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Baseball

Scratchbomb’s Thoroughly Compromised 2010 MLB Preview: NL East

chipper2.jpgATLANTA BRAVES

2009 record: 86-76

Local weather: Hotter than the devil’s drawers, suh! /sips mint julep

Namesake: Valiant Native American warriors like Chief Noc-a-homa

What will Bobby Cox do after he retires?: I don’t know, but for his wife’s sake, I hope he doesn’t plan on spending a lot of time around the house.

Perpetually overused team-related headline: Anything involving ‘chop’. The only thing that should be chopped on the Braves is their dumb, racist chant.

Best name on 40-man roster: Jonny Venters, who had a few regional rockabilly hits back in the 50s.

The That Guy’s on This Team? Award: Scott Proctor, who was allowed to keep the tiny shreds of his throwing arm that Joe Torre didn’t destroy

Spring standout: Jason Heyward, who is not only tearing the cover off the ball, but can make sportswriters cream their jeans with every swing of his bat.

Probable Opening Day starter: Derek Lowe, taking some time off between injuries to throw a baseball.

Biggest question for 2010: Will Chipper Jones badmouth his own teammates again, or save his dumb outburst for someone on another team?

Advantage to start the season: Low pressure–if Braves fans won’t come out for the playoffs, they surely won’t care if the team starts out slow.

Semi-serious assessment: Potentially great starting rotation, and a formerly suspect lineup has been shored up by the emergence of Heyward (THE CHOSEN ONE!). The bullpen took a step back–Mike Gonzalez and Rafael Soriano were replaced with Takashi Saito and Billy Wagner, neither of whom have any chance of staying healthy all season (mark it down). Regardless, the Braves will definitely compete this year. Fuck.
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Baseball

Scratchbomb’s Thoroughly Compromised 2010 MLB Preview: NL Central

harrycaray.jpgCHICAGO CUBS

2009 record: 83-78

Local weather: If you don’t like it, just wait a minute!* (* joke stolen from your grampa)

Namesake: The smaller partner in a “bear” relationship

Has it really been 102 years since they won a World Series?: Yes, but some days it only feels like 75.

Perpetually overused team-related headline: Lovable Losers. How many losers have you known that were lovable? Most losers are bitter, sour human beings.

Best name on 40-man roster: Esmailin Caridad, because when you’re Esmailin, the whole world esmailes with you.

The That Guy’s on This Team? Award: Kevin Millar. Or as he used to be known by guys named Sully, MILLAHHHHHH!

Spring standout: Youngster Tyler Colvin, who’s not only batting .468, but is also not a pitcher, so he can’t have a Kerry Wood/Mark Prior-style flameout.

Probable Opening Day starter: Carlos Zambrano, provided he doesn’t get into a scrape with a Gatorade cooler first.

Biggest question for 2010: In what ways will the fates cruelly toy with this team this season?

Advantage to start the season: Arctic conditions will adversely affect visiting teams who have not brought their own Sherpas.

Semi-serious assessment: Only the total shitshow that was the 2009 Mets prevented the Cubs from being the most disappointing team in baseball last season. I would expect them to improve, but they’re also relying on a number of players who’ve been hurt off and on the past few seasons (Zambrano, Derrek Lee, Alfonso Soriano, Aramis Ramirez). I could see the Cubs finishing anywhere on the continuum of success. Except winning the World Series, of course. That will never, ever happen. Ever.
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Baseball

Scratchbomb’s Thoroughly Compromised 2010 MLB Preview: NL West

Thumbnail image for dbacks2.jpgARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS

2009 record: 70-92

Local weather: Ball-meltingly hot

Namesake: Venemous rattlesnake responsible for the majority of fatal snakebites in northern Mexico, thus explaining why the Diamondbacks are Lou Dobbs’ favorite team.

Do they really play for the entire state of Arizona?: Yes, except for small pockets of Tempe. They know why.

Perpetually overused team-related headline: Raising Arizona. Cease and desist letters from the Coen Brothers have proven ineffective.

Best name on 40-man roster: Clay Zavada (also owner of best mustache on team)

The That Guy’s on This Team? Award: Billy Buckner. Not the former Dodgers/Cubs/Red Sox first baseman, but a young relief pitcher. Still, you’d think teams would shy away from anyone named Billy Buckner.

Spring standout: Justin Upton, whose .324 batting average and 16 RBIs are an obvious attempt to shame his brother B.J.

Probable Opening Day starter: Dan Haren, whose hitched delivery is almost as confounding as his facial hair.

Biggest question for 2010: Will their talented core of young players once again prove woefully outmatched, or merely disappointing?

Advantage to start the season: Close proximity of spring training facility removes the disorienting effects of jet lag.

Semi-serious assessment: The Diamondbacks lineup is full of stars, near stars, or should-be stars like Upton, Stephen Drew, and Mark Reynolds (all of them born in years I actually remember, which depresses the shit out of me). But their rotation is Haren and not much else until Brandon Webb comes back from shoulder surgery. They’ll score a lot of runs, but they’ll give a lot up, too, especially in their home park. Even in a relatively weak division, I don’t see how they finish much better than .500 this year.

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