Category Archives: Baseball

Baseball

Scratchbomb’s Thoroughly Compromised 2010 MLB Preview: AL East

omar3.jpgBALTIMORE ORIOLES

2009 record: 64-98

Local weather: Crime-filled, critically acclaimed

Namesake: John McGraw’s turn of the century squad that cheated and fist-fought its way to dominance. Ah, the good ol’ days…

What was McNulty thinking with the whole “homeless biter” thing?: I don’t know. It’s always bugged me.

Perpetually overused team-related headline: Flippin’ the Bird!

Best name on 40-man roster: Cla Meredith, striking a blow for unclear long vowels everywhere

The That Guy’s on This Team? Award: Garrett Atkins. One bad season and the Rockies kicked him to the curb. A cruel business, baseball is.

Spring standout: Felix Pie. And when Felix Pie is your spring standout, a long season awaits.

Probable Opening Day starter: Kevin Millwood, also not a good sign.

Biggest question for 2010: Who will take over Camden Yards to a more annoying extent, Yankee fans or Red Sox fans?

Advantage to start the season: I dunno, nobody’s died yet? That’s a plus.

Semi-serious assessment: There’s some young talent on this team, like Nick Markakis and Adam Jones and Matt Wieters, but virtually no pitching. Not to mention they play in possibly the toughest division in baseball. Yet another tough year in Charm City.
Continue reading Scratchbomb’s Thoroughly Compromised 2010 MLB Preview: AL East →

Baseball

Scratchbomb’s Thoroughly Compromised 2010 MLB Preview: AL Central

8menout.jpgCHICAGO WHITE SOX

2009 record: 79-83

Local weather: Broad-shouldered

Namesake: Article of footwear whose color could be changed in an ironic fashion to indicate infamy or shame

Is Hawk Harrelson the biggest tool in all of baseball announcing?: Perhaps, though John Sterling gives him a run for his money.

Perpetually overused team-related headline: Joy of Sox, or Sox Appeal. The thought of A.J. Pierzynski in conjunction with a word that even vaguely sounds like “sex” is vomit-inducing.

Best name on 40-man roster: Stefan Gartrell. Sorry, that’s the fakest last name I’ve heard since Nick Soapdish.

The That Guy’s on This Team? Award: Omar Vizquel, who I’m surprised is still on any team at this point. He’s become the Jamie Moyer of shortstops, though he throws harder than Jamie.

Spring standout: Mark Kotsay, batting over .400 and once again proving the complete meaninglessness of spring stats.

Probable Opening Day starter: Mark Buehrle, which means Chicago’s opener will probably clock in at a cool 90 minutes.

Biggest question for 2010: Will Ozzie Guillen’s Twitter account be shut down before it incurs some sort of lawsuit or police action?

Advantage to start the season: Umpires intimidated by roving bags of scumbags in the crowd.

Semi-serious assessment: A full season of Jake Peavey could push them into contention, but I don’t know how likely that is. Their lineup is Paul Konerko, Alexei Ramirez, and not much else, and the bullpen is not much to write home about, either. I foresee a thoroughly meh year on the South Side.
Continue reading Scratchbomb’s Thoroughly Compromised 2010 MLB Preview: AL Central →

Baseball

Scratchbomb’s Thoroughly Compromised 2010 MLB Preview: AL West

scioscia.jpgANAHEIM ANGELS

2009 record: 97-65, AL West title, lost Championship Series to Yankees

Local weather: Suburban

Namesake: Theatre investors. Ziegfeld’s in the house tonight, everyone!

How much does Angels owner Arte Moreno look like a Walt Disney?: A disturbingly large amount.

Perpetually overused team-related
headline: Angels in the Outfield. Lame, but at least it gives work to Christopher Lloyd.

Best name on 40-man roster: Maicer Izturis. I hate maicers to paicers!

The That Guy’s on This Team? Award: Hideki Matsui, whose salary should offset the cost of transporting his enormous porn collection from New York.

Spring standout: Catcher Mike Napoli, who’s clubbed 5 homers this spring and is in no way connected to The Mob. I don’t know why you’d think that. That’s racist.

Probable Opening Day starter: Jered Weaver, who looks just as baked as his brother, but is much more employed.

Biggest question for 2010: What tragic death will inspire the Angels this year?

Advantage to start the season: Insane Orange County traffic will prevent anyone from actually attending the games.

Semi-serious assessment: I was amazed to see that the Angels won 97 games last year. I think that result will be impossible to reproduce this year, as Seattle has improved by leaps and bounds. They lost John Lackey and added Joel Pineiro, who I predict will turn back into a pumpkin like most Dave Duncan projects do away from St. Louis. This year’s Angels have taken a step backward–not an enormous one, but not small enough to stave off the huge step forward taken by the Mariners.
Continue reading Scratchbomb’s Thoroughly Compromised 2010 MLB Preview: AL West →