Category Archives: Baseball

Baseball

The Hunt for Douche October

Bro, do you like the new Axe? I heard chicks dig it when you spray it on your junk, but it kinda hurts my pee-hole….OH SHIT, THERE’S A BALL COMIN RIGHT THIS WAY! I GOT IT! I GOT IT! YO LA GOT IT, BRO!

canohr.jpgHey, did you see that?! I snatched it right outta that outfielder’s glove! Serves ya right, you stupid fuckin world class athlete! Hey you, Chico, whatever your name is–this is you!

YankeesFanDouche.gifYou’re all like, “Duh, lookit me tryna catch a ball while someone grabs my glove!” What an asshole! Go back to Texas, so you can then go back to Mexico or wherever the fuck you’re from!

Bro, high five. Totally burned that guy. That’ll teach him to come to the cathedral of baseball and think he can win a game. Too many ghosts here, bro. That wasn’t me who grabbed the ball outta his hands, that was the spirit of Ruth and DiMaggio and Mantle. But the thing where I did the jerkoff motion right in his face, that was totally me.

Wait, the Rangers are up 2-1 now? Fuck, let’s get outta here, this shit blows…whoah, the Yanks are back on top? FUCK YEAH! LET’S-GO-YAN-KEES! NEVER GIVE UP! BURNETT, YOU ARE A BEAST!

Jeter, why’d you hit your triple to center field? Shoulda hit it out here to right. I got a car battery under the seat, totally woulda beaned that stupid outfielder. He’d be all like, “Duh, I can’t catch the ball cuz my skull was crushed by a Duralast!”

Whoah, did that fan keep Gardner from grabbing a foul ball by the third base stands. YOU GOTTA REVIEW THAT, UMPS! WHAT THE FUCK! THAT COULD BE SOME RED SOX FAN DOWN THERE! Just some more anti-Yankee media bias, bro. Unbelievable!

Hey, wait a minute, who hit that home run? Bengie Molina? Never heard of him. I’ve been a Yankee fan since 1998 and that name does not ring a bell. UMPS, MAKE SURE HE’S REAL AND NOT A SOPHISTICED HOLOGRAM! YEAH, YOU LEAVE THE MOUND NOW, BURNETT, YOU FUCKIN HUMP!

Alright, now Joba’s in. He’s gonna right right the ship…ARE YOU FUCKIN KIDDIN ME?! YOU FUCKIN SUCK, JOBA, YOU FAT PIECE OF SHIT!

Bro, I’m out. This team has got no heart. No guts. They don’t see it through to the end like the old Yankee teams did. You wanna come with? I’m probably gonna stop at that one Hess station on the way home and abuse the African guys who pump the gas.

At least it’s football season. Got tickets for Giants-Cowboys in a coupla weeks. You’ll never guess what I’m gonna yell at Tony Romo…

Yeah, that’s right. Who told you?! WHO TOLD YOU MY HILARIOUS TONY ROMO ZINGER?!

*crush*

Bro, I’m sorry I had to smash you in the face with a car battery. I was emotional. It was the ghosts. If he was in my shoes, Jim Leyritz woulda done the same thing.

Baseball, Media Morons

Mike Francesa’s Mike’d Up Ghost Hunters

fran1.jpgDis is Mike Francesa, and welcome to Mike Francesa’s Mike’d Up Ghost Hunters. Dis is da show where we hunt for the ghosts of Yankees past. I’m here with fellow ghost hunter Filip Bondy.
bondy.jpgThis is exciting, Mike! Almost as exciting as each time I hang out with the Bleacher Creatures and they don’t hurl homophobic insults at me! It’s like Bald Vinny told me one time…
fran1.jpgGive it a rest, Filip, it’s over. As you all know, da Yanks were shut down by Cliff Lee last night in an uttahly embarrassing perfawmance. Some might say dat’s because Lee is one of da best pitchers in baseball. But da truth is, da Yanks lost because da Yankee Stadium ghosts have not made da trip to da new bawlpawk. So I’m goin to da site of the old stadium across da street to see if we can get em back where dey belong. I come well prepahed for dis historic mission. I’m awmed with some EKB metahs, a bowl of snacks the size of K2, and 72 two-litah bottles of Diet Coke.
oldyankeestadium.jpg
fran1.jpgDis is da site of the old stadium. Lotta ghosts here. Lotta spirits. Lotta spectahs, okay? Eddie, you got dat list of all da ghosts that haunt this place? No? Eddie, I toldja to bring the list of all da souls still inhabiting the hoary nether-regions between dis world and da next. So dat’s how we’re runnin a ghost huntin shows dese days, huh? Okay, dat’s fine.

Obviously, it would be yuge if we could get a big time ghost to come ovah to da new Stadium. A Mantle. A DiMaggio. A Gehrig. A Ruth. Dat is da goal. But we gotta be open to what da night brings us. Ghosts are fickle. Dey don’t obey da same rules as da living, and we have to respect dat. We might just come back with a Joe Pepitone, or a Kevin Maas. Dat’s fine. We can live with dat.

* unearthly noises *

fran1.jpgWhoah, did you hear dat? Dat is the sound of a soul in torment. Oh spirit, come with us! Dere is a home for you just across 161st Street! Da Yankees need you! Plus da new place has got a Hawd Rock Cafe and stands dat sell gawlic fries!
maddog.pngHey Mikey, how bout dem Giants, huh? Tied 1-1 with da Pherlies goin back to da Bay! Good spot ta be in! Betcha didn’t see dat comin, with Burwell and Kung Flu Pander Sindovail and Tom Lincercwum in da mix!
fran1.jpgOh gawd, dat’s not a Yankee ghost, dat’s da ghost of Mad Dog Russo’s career! Don’t look at it, Filip!
bondy.jpgBut it’s satellite radio! So beautiful!….OH GOD! DIVINE WRATH IS SEARING MY FLESH!

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fran1.jpgDat’s gotta be da first ever head-melting on Mike Francesa’s Mike’d Up Ghost Hunters. Good job, Eddie. Alright, we got Jon Heyman up next, and he’s gonna help us hunt down the ghosts of his journalistic objectivity, with da help of Scott Boras. Back aftah dis.

Baseball

Mets General Manager Candidate Questionnaire

If you are reading this introduction, it means you’ve already passed our Brooklyn Dodgers trivia test with flying colors. Congratulations! You’re one step away from joining the New York Mets organization as our new general manger, and following in the footsteps of such luminaries as Steve Phillips, Al Harazin, and M. Donald Grant. Please answer the following open response questions to the best of your ability.

1.    You receive a call at 2am. It’s Oliver Perez. He’s being held hostage by a gang of international terrorists and desperately needs your help. How quickly would you fall asleep after hanging up the phone on him mid-sentence?

2.    Do you think people who commit domestic violence should be afforded a second chance? If so, do you also believe they deserve fourth and fifth chances?

3.    Cliff Lee is one of the best pitchers in baseball and easily the most prized free agent this offseason. Do you think fans would be okay with it if we acquired Dontrelle Willis?

4.    The Mets have been criticized for the rash of injuries that have befallen the team in the past two seasons, and not being able to keep its best players on the field. Can you think of any way this can be blamed on Carlos Beltran?

5.    Do you know anything about trying to sneak stuff into prison? Like, say, a shank? One that might be used on a former financial investor who screwed us eight ways from Sunday? Just wondering.

6.    Would you be willing to let Lenny Dykstra crash on your couch for a few weeks while he figures some stuff out?

7.    What quality player would you most like to acquire and force to play out of position?

8.    How would you describe your level of knowledge about Mets history–poor, middling, or disinterested?

9.    In response to fan outcry and these difficult economic times, we will be cutting ticket prices next season. Would you mind helping out by sweeping up after games?

10.   Many front offices now use at least some modern sabermetric assessments to influence their drafting, player development, and roster building. How would you help the Mets look like we might care about that crap?