Category Archives: Baseball

Baseball

Take Your Medicine

Fellow baseball fans, I say this with love: grow the fuck up.

If you think the Mitchell Report is the worst thing to ever happen to baseball, that tells me two things about you.

(1) You have not even skimmed the report, because if you had, you’d know that it hardly names any major player we didn’t already know about. Aside from Roger Clemens and Andy Pettite–and if you had two eyes and an ear for gossip, you’d have known about them already, too.

(2) You know nothing about the history of baseball.

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Baseball

Dane Cook: There Are Several Failed Oc-TOW-bers

danecook.jpgJune 30, 2007

You know what’s brewin’ in Milwaukee? The Milwaukee Brewers,
broseph! They got the choice hops of Prince Fielder, the finely toasted barley of J.J. Hardy, and the exquisite sour mash of Ryan Braun. There’s gonna be no hangover for the Brewers this year, Soda Popinski! These guys are goin’ on a bender–all the way to the World Series. *pop*

/dumb hand gesture

After All-Star break, Brewers lose Ben Sheets, Ned Yost mismanages the bullpen, a promising season goes down the tubes as Milwaukee falls 2 games shy of the NL Central title.

August 1, 2007

Never mind that, bro-ha-ha. ‘Cause the rime of the ancient mariner is ringin’ out in Seattle! And it rhymes with “postseason”. Ichiro! Sexson! Vidro! They even got a reliever named Putz! That’s awesome! No albatross around their necks, ya heard? They’re paddling their way upstream, all the way to a wild card berth, Mother Brain! *pop*

Mariners lose 15 of 17 in late August/early September. Coinciding with the Yankee’s surge, Seattle’s slide virtually eliminates them from playoff contention.

September 3, 2007

Okay, my last couple didn’t work out so great, tight bros from way back. But that’s because you haven’t met the Mets yet! Nothin’ wrong with David Wright! Jose Reyes the roof! Carlos Beltran is, um, a pretty good player! The rest of the National League don’t wanna meet the Mets, Fist of the North Star, you feel me? *pop*

Mets go on historic collapse, pissing away a 7-game lead with 17 games to play, finish one game behind the Phillies in the NL East.

October 23, 2007

Look, bro-logna sandwich on rye with mustard. Major League Baseball picked me to be the official postseason spokesman for a reason. It’s because I know what it takes to be a winner. I built up my stand-up empire through tireless touring, internet self-promotion, and idiotic hand signals and mouth noises. *pop* It ain’t my fault that all the teams I did commercials for earlier in the year went straight to toilet town. You think I wanted to do a
commercial for the friggin’ Diamondbacks? Even I can’t stand Eric Byrnes.

/does the worm on a stool

I’m not gonna let these losers drag me down, Cliff Huxtable. Dane Cook is gonna stay on top forever, just like slap bracelets and Patrick Swayze. You just watch, Ben Fong Torres–the Cookster is never goin’ down!

Next Dane Cook album, Wild Flailing in G Minor, sells 12
copies, sequel to Employee of the Month straight to video, eventual comeback via
celebrity dance competition widely mocked.

Baseball, Literary Endeavors

Tim Marchman: One of the Good Ones

There’s a lot of snark on this web site, particularly where sports media is concerned. Thanks to one professional endeavor or another, I spent several years immersed in the stuff, so it’s hard to wash the stink off.

That makes it even more important to stop the presses when I spot a rare example of Truth
and Justice in sportswriting. So I take time out of my regularly schedule bile to declare the following: Tim Marchman is awesome.

Tim Marchman has written for such lofty outlets as the New Republic and such not-so-lofty ones as the New York Press (a weekly that once let this asshole write for them). I know him best as a baseball columnist for the New York Sun, and if you enjoy the game of baseball even slightly, you will love his writing. I’m usually not so absolutist in my opinions, but I feel confident making this statement.

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