Category Archives: Baseball

Baseball

We Can’t Have Nice Things, Can We?

I know Satchel Paige said don’t look back, but for days it was all I could do. I was obsessed with the signs of doom for the Mets that I chose to ignore. Not on the field. I wish I could have ignored those, but I would’ve needed to gouge out my eyes and get a lobotomy. I mean signs from my life.

Because going into the last game at Shea Stadium, I was sure that the Mets would pull out a win and at the very least force a one-game play-in game against the Brewers. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind this would happen after Johan Santana’s unbelievable performance against the Marlins on Saturday–a three-hit complete game shutout on three days’ rest after throwing more pitches than he’d ever thrown in his professional career while secretly suffering from a TORN FUCKING MENISCUS.

But now I look back and see the little signposts thrown my way, and I realize the Mets were doomed.

* * *

On Saturday, I stood on the 7 train platform, shuffling nervously, wondering how Santana would respond to the pressure and the fatigue. At least they’re playing the Marlins, I thought. Not because the Marlins were a cupcake team, but because the Marlins always ensured a more pleasant stadium-going experience.

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Baseball

Jeff Loria and the Art of the Deal

theo.jpgSo it looks like we’re all set, Mr. Beinfest. You guys get
Manny Ramirez, the Pirates get Jeremy Hermida, and we get Jason Bay. Manny’s
already approved a trade, and we’ve submitted the offer to the league office for
approval. So there isn’t a single logistical obstacle to making this deal a
reality.
beinfest.jpgYou know, Theo, for a three-way trade, this agreement has
come together in surprisingly easy fashion. I mean, you hear rumors about
three-way trades every year and they almost never come to fruition because the
particulars are just too darn complicated. It’s amazing that this one is about
to go off without a hitch.
theo.jpgI know, isn’t it?

beinfest.jpgRight now, it seems that there’s nothing at all that could
prevent this trade from being completed. All I need to do is press my official
general manager’s APPROVE TRADE button.

theo.jpgBy all means, do so.

beinfest.jpgI thoroughly intend to. My index finger hovers over said
button as we speak. I merely need to lower that finger and depress the button in
order to consummate our agreement.

theo.jpgI eagerly await that action.
beinfest.jpgLet’s see. I am lowering my index finger. My index finger is
now on the button. I’m about to apply some pressure and activate the
button.

loria.jpg* kicks down office door *
Hold on there, Larry! This is my
money we’re talking about! I’m not jumping at the first future Hall of Famer I
see! You gotta know how to negotiate, kid!

beinfest.jpgBut we did negotiate, Mr. Loria, and I feel that this offer
is more than fair.
loria.jpgKid, a true businessman doesn’t want fair deal. He wants
totally unfair deal. You wanna totally humiliate the other guy.

beinfest.jpgThat sounds like the exact opposite of what you’d want to do to someone you’d like to do business with again.

loria.jpgYou got a lot to learn, kid. I’ll take this one home. You go and scrub them used baseballs so we have them ready for tonight’s game.

beinfest.jpg* sigh *

/leaves office

loria.jpgSo, Mr. Epstein, you’re offering…who is it again?

theo.jpgManny Ramirez.

loria.jpgUh huh. I’m not familiar with that model.

theo.jpgHe’s one of the best hitters of his generation.

loria.jpgBest hitter of his generation? Okay, that’s nice. Lemme look at my blue book…oh, says here he’s knocked in at least a hundred runs 11 of the last 13 years. I guess that’s okay. Of course, I can’t make a decision before taking him for a test drive.

theo.jpgHe’s a player, not a car. His body of work should speak for itself.

loria.jpgDo you know what I do for a living, Mr. Epstein? I’m an art dealer! I deal with the best arts in the world! You know who has the world’s largest collection of original Trapper Keeper prints? Me, that’s who! So I think I know a little something about working out a deal!

theo.jpgDo you actually want to work out a deal? Because it sounds like you have no interest in negotiating seriously.

loria.jpgI guess if you’re looking to unload this Manfred Dominguez person, I could take him off your hands. But if I’m giving up a can’t miss, sure thing like Jeremy Hermida, I have to get some financial compensation in return.

theo.jpgWe’ve already agreed to pay the remainder of Manny’s salary.

loria.jpgAs well I would expect. I mean additional considerations. Say, two million dollars or so of additional considerations.

theo.jpgSo let me get this straight. We’re handing you Manny Ramirez for virtually nothing. Because you’re trading another player and we’re paying Manny’s salary, you would actually make money on the deal.

loria.jpgAccording to my calculations, yes.

theo.jpgAnd even though you get tens of millions of dollars from revenue sharing every year, you refuse to spend any of that money on keeping players in Florida. You’ve traded away every single good player your team ever developed because you refused to give them salary arbitration. And yet, you want me to give you two million dollars on top of everything else.

loria.jpgThat would be nice.

theo.jpgAnd just to refresh my memory, you’re the douchebag who completely destroyed the Expos.

loria.jpgThe very same!

theo.jpgThanks, I think I’ve heard enough.
*click*

loria.jpgHe’ll come crawling back. They always do. Except for those times when, you know, they don’t.

Baseball

Win George Steinbrenner’s Rep

I wasn’t too upset about the Yankee Love Fest that was Fox’s coverage of OMG THE LAST ALL STAR GAME AT YANKEE STADIUM. I mean, yeah, it was completely over the top and so full of fake, sepia-toned wistfulness it would make Ken Burns retch.

But the months and months of hype leading up to it meant you knew it was gonna be like that. If you insisted on watching the All Star Game, knowing full well it was going to be 4 hours of Joe Buck bending over and spreading for the Pinstripe Bullet, you really have no right to complain about it.

I did wish, however, that more attention had been paid to the two following details.

1) Yankee Stadium hasn’t been condemned. It’s not about to turn into dust. It’s old and outdated, but the Yankees could continue to play there if they really wanted to. So essentially, this “celebration” of the last year at Yankee Stadium is really a celebration of the Yankees building a billion dollar monument to themselves–with more than half of that money coming from city bonds, while the team tries and hold New York over a barrel for even more public funds to complete it.

1a) Oh, and they destroyed one of the few public parks in their Bronx neighborhood in order to do it. The team insists that they’ll pay to replace it with another public park, but that new park will be located on the other side of the Deegan. So go fuck yourselves, local residents, we need that space for a Hard Rock Café!

2) When the history of Yankee Stadium is rehashed by nostalgia junkie writers, they inevitably bring up Ruth, DiMaggio, Mantle, and so on. They seldom mention the fact that the current Yankee Stadium shares almost nothing with the Yankee Stadium that those legends played in, except for the name. The Stadium received an enormous makeover in the early 70s (totally publicly funded, by the way), to add a few seats and completely drain it of all idiosyncracies and charm. If you see pictures of the original version, it looks more like Ebbets Field or the old Tiger Stadium, a classic pre-war ballpark. The redesigned version that opened in 1976 looks like Shea Stadium in navy blue (which even the most ardent Mets fan will tell you is a bad thing). So when people lament the impending loss of the House that Ruth Built, guess what? That place has already been gone
for over 30 years.

But again, the full-press Yankee love was hardly surprising. What I did find surprising was the unbridled worship of George Steinbrenner that came along with it. During the broadcast, Joe Buck went out of his way to spend an entire inning talking about how great Steinbrenner was, and how he deserves to be in the Hall of Fame. Tim McCarver, who I think might now be legally retarded, agreed with him, as if Big Stein was a much a no-brainer HOF vote as Mariano Rivera.

Today’s NY papers were all pretty much in line with this POV, praising Steinbrenner and his winning winningness, and his ability to have his team’s stadium host an All Star Game. Midget Mike Lupica’s column was typical of the lot, chronicling George’s trip onto the Yankee Stadium field as if it was Caesar crossing the Rubicon.

At this point, I have to rub my eyes and blurt a Hanna Barbera-ish “ah-geda-ah-geda-HUH?” Because apparently I blinked some time in the last 15 years or so, and it must have been at the exact second someone switched the setting on George Steinbrenner’s Public Opinion to Adoring Adulation. Because for as long as I’ve been alive, it was set at either Derision, Disgust, or Searing Hatred.

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