Category Archives: Baseball

Baseball

A-Rod’s Apology

aroid.jpgTo all the Yankee fans, baseball fans, and sports fans out there, I would like to humbly apologize for getting caught doing steroids. I promise that, in the future, I will restrict my performance-enhancing drug use to designer chemicals still untraceable to known science.

I ask that those who would judge me put themselves in my shoes. I had just signed a huge contract with the Texas Rangers. A ridiculous contract. I mean, good Christ, you can’t even imagine how much money that is. Like, Oprah money. Therefore, people who want to criticize me should first prove that they have as much money as me. Otherwise, I think they’re unqualified to judge my state of mind.

You also have to understand that I tested positive in 2003, a much simpler time. I know that’s only 6 years ago, but think about how much we’ve changed as a society in just that short amount of time. You know what came out in 2003? “Rock Your Body.” That was, like, Justin Timberlake’s first big solo hit. Everyone was still like, “pfft, the guy from NSync? He’ll never have a sustainable pop career!” Now the guy’s huge! How far we’ve come…

In 2003, I was young and dumb. Sure, I was already 25, and married, and had already done more things and seen more of the world than most people my age. But I think “young and dumb” is a relative term. I’m young and dumb compared to Einstein, who is smart and dead. See? Science proves it.

If you want anyone to blame for destroying your illusions, go talk to my cousin from the Dominican. He’s the one who got me the steroids and showed me how to use them. I mean, don’t really go talk to him, because I totally can’t give you his name. But trust me, that guy’s bad news.

Also, I have this other cousin who totally let me touch her boob one Christmas when I was 13. Is that weird?

Speaking of the Dominican, I hope no one perceives my sudden acquisition of a Latin accent as some sort of pandering ploy for sympathy from Hispanic baseball fans. Because it totally is.

In conclusion, I look forward to putting this all behind me and once again disappointing Yankee fans solely on the field.

Baseball

The Metrics of Met Fans

As I’ve noted before, the MLB Network has done a pretty good job so far, particularly with their Hot Stove show. But that program annoyed and disappointed me last night when host Matt Vasgersian brought up the subject of the Mets and how they can’t “buy a headline” right now and how the Yankees have been dominating the back pages.

He queried ex-Met-and-Yankee Al Leiter on the subject, and the ol’ lefty insisted that New York is a National League town. This brought stunned, laugh-filled reactions from the assembled host: Vasgersian, Harold Reynolds, and recently retired first baseman/molasses imitator Sean Casey.

The other guys on the show had no counter-argument. They probably didn’t think they needed one. Just the notion that NY was an NL town, to them, was so ridiculous that it didn’t warrant a rebuttal.

jacket.jpgI don’t agree with Mr. Leiter that NY is an NL town. It’s a baseball town. And within that universe, there is enough room for large, rabid fan bases for two teams. There are more Yankee fans than Mets fans (26 championships and a 60-year head start will do that), but to paint the Mets as some poor widdle stepsister is ludicrous.

Continue reading The Metrics of Met Fans →

Baseball, The Worldwide Leader

Dick Vitale Has a Few Things He’d Like to Share

vitale.jpgA-Rod really disappointed me, baby! He’s gotta set a better example for the kids! ‘Cause the kids are what’s important, baby! I talk to the kids all the time, and they love me! They’re always giving me high fives and thumbs up and doing an “L” sign on their foreheads! If you’re not hip, then you don’t know the “L” stands for “Laugh a Minute”! The kids love me, baby!

I’ve tried to give A-Rod some advice! I told him he don’t need steroids! I told him to follow his dreams, and stay in school, and listen to his parents! But he keeps telling me to stop bothering him during his daughter’s birthday party! I told him my invitation musta gotten lost in the mail, and he threatened to call the cops! It’s sad when people get too big to listen to complete strangers who are famous!

Michael Phelps really let me down, too! Smoking the reefer! Doesn’t he know that winners don’t do drugs? No hope in dope, baby! I’ve tried to reach out to Michael, but his manager said he’d have me thrown in jail if I contacted him one more time!

You know who else I’m disappointed in? Congress! We gotta get this country on the right track, baby! Republican, Democrat, don’t matter! Let’s get something done already! I don’t know what, but let’s just do it, baby!

You know who else let me down? The good people at Best Western Inns! I stayed in one last weekend when I was out west attending my great-niece’s christening! They used to give you the shampoo and the conditioner. Now they just got conditioner! I asked at the front desk, and they said they don’t provide it free no more! What is this world coming too?!

Why can’t you get a good pork chop anymore? Get on the stick, butchers!

Also, this cryogenic chamber just ain’t cutting it anymore! I know it has to maintain a constant temperature of -200 degrees Fahrenheit to keep my vital organs from seizing up, but can ESPN throw in a magazine every now and then?