Category Archives: Inappropriate Walk Up Music 2011

Inappropriate Walk Up Music 2011

Inappropriate Walk Up Music: Neil Diamond

For an intro to this series, click here. For the original series way back in 2009, click here.

Neil Diamond is a veritable fount of inappropriate. His unique combination of old-timey showmanship, bombast, and ego is rivaled by few other performers. Witness “Cherry Cherry Christmas,” a Yuletide tune he composed that wishes happy holidays to one and all by namechecking the titles of his own songs. That takes some seriously chrome-plated, sequined balls.

Hot August NightThere’s virtually no Neil Diamond song that wouldn’t be inappropriate for the purposes of walk up music. (How “Sweet Caroline” has become a ballpark sing-along staple, most notably at Fenway, is a mystery to me.) But if I had to pick one–and by the dictates of this series, I do–I’d have to opt for “Porcupine Pie.” This somewhat obscure track, from his 1972 live double-album Hot August Night, is an insanely ridiculous song sung with the utmost sincerity and seriousness. It takes a very special sort of person to play this song in front of an audience and not crack a smile. And to also use the image seen here for the cover of your album.

I would have been blissfully ignorant of this masterpiece were it not for The Best Show on WFMU. Years ago, host Tom Scharpling searched for the worst song ever made. The first candidate was “The Loadout” by Jackson Browne, a truly awful, thoroughly cynical song. (“Here’s a tune about how much we love you slobs in the audience!”) But two years later, “Porcupine Pie” was put forward as far worse, and I can’t disagree. I cede to Tom’s analysis at this time, from the episode from June 25, 2006, as it says far more than I can (and also includes a critique of a song that’s almost as weird, “Done Too Soon”).

[audio:http://66.147.244.95/~scratci7/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/060425_Porcupine-Pie1.mp3|titles=060425_Porcupine Pie]
Inappropriate Walk Up Music 2011

Inappropriate Walk Up Music: Chicago

For an intro to this series, click here. For the original series way back in 2009, click here.

In the mid-80s, Chicago released roughly 8,000 ballads, usually for movie soundtracks, each one identical to the last. One of my most hated sounds in music is the Chicago Ballad Drum Sound: one beat per measure, on a 300-feet wide snare drum sitting at the bottom of an abandoned well.

Any of these would be thoroughly inappropriate as walk up music. However, I’m going to take the suggestion of @TurnpikeTony on Twitter and opt for “Along Comes a Woman.” Because it is a rare example of Chicago of this era trying to “rock,” which is worse. And also because it might be accompanied by this video.

Inappropriate Walk Up Music 2011

Inappopriate Walk Up Music: Randy Newman

For an intro to this series, click here. For the original series way back in 2009, click here.

I think Randy Newman is inappropriate in any context. His voice drives me bonkers and all of this songs sound the same to me. All plinkety, Western saloon piano with a warmed over boogie beat. It makes my teeth hurt just to think of it.

When I was in high school, I went to book signing for John Cleese, and was lucky enough to get him to sign my copies of both the Monty Python scripts and the complete Fawlty Towers scripts (/ brag). There was a Q&A session, and some random fan asked him what kind of music he liked, for some reason. Cleese looked a bit puzzled, and responded that he didn’t listen to music all that often because he usually didn’t find it preferable to silence. But if he did listen to music, it was liable to be Bach or Randy Newman.

That response almost made me rethink my love for the man. But I looked past it, because love is deeper than that. After all, he’s spent pretty much his entire adult life writing and performing comedy, going back to his college days, so the guy hasn’t had much time to listen to music. Still, c’mon John.

Newman’s most famous tune, “Short People,” might be the most inappropriate Randy Newman tune of all, for many reasons. In retrospect, it seems insane that the song was not only released, but became an enormous hit. It’s one thing for him to compose a song full of hate (ironic or not). It’s another for everyone to decide to buy it. Not cool, people of the late 1970s. Then again, what do I expect from people who thought avocado was a good color for appliances?

Of course, if David Eckstein finds his way onto a major league roster this season, “Short People” would transform from inappropriate to mandatory.