Weird things make me sad. Like signs that say GOING OUT OF BUSINESS, or old broken toys heaped on the curb for garbage pickup. I have no true connection to whatever situation has transpired, and yet the sight of these things gives me a deep, untouchable melancholy feeling.
In this category, I put drug store gift sets. If you’ve been to a CVS or Duane Reade around the holidays, you know of what I speak. They’re usually toiletry related, like a set of brushes or a manicure set or five identically smelling but differently colored bath scents. They come in red and green boxes, and they usually have a preprinted price tag as part of the cardboard packaging, held on by a perforated hinge, so you can rip it off and no one will know how cheap you are.
I can not fully express how sad the sight of these gift sets makes me. No one wants to get them. No one wants to give them. If you’re buying them, you’re either buying them for someone you barely care about, or because you’re too broke to get something better. And regardless of the reason, no one who receives them is happy.
Wow. I am so bummed out now I have to go lie down. Thanks, Walgreens.
Most holiday tunes fall into one of two categories. There are religious Christmas songs, which celebrate the birth of Jesus (which totally couldn’t have happened on December 25th and is just a remnant of an ancient pagan Roman bacchanal, but that’s a whole other story). And there are secular Christmas songs, which celebrate snow and presents and togetherness.
And then there’s “The Little Drummer Boy”, which tries to be a mutant hybrid of both. It’s definitely not secular, because it tells the story of a young percussionist who celebrates the Messiah’s birth with some killer skin work. But this story can’t be found in any Gospel account. So it’s actually less a Biblical tale and more like Jesus Fanfic.
I believe people like this song for its pseudo-crypto-spirituality. It has religious elements to it, but it doesn’t make people nervous by getting too serious. The Angel Craze of the last 15-20 years or so comes from a similar place. It has traces of Christianity, but not enough to, you know, help others or be more forgiving or change you life in any meaningful way.
In other words, “The Little Drummer Boy” is a huge cop out. I’m not religious, but I will take traditional, overtly religious Christmas carols like “Silent Night” over this hunk of garbage. At least religious songs come from a sincere, genuine place. There’s something manipulative about “The Little Drummer Boy”, as if its composer yanked in the Jesus angle to make it criticism-proof. “Oh, you don’t like my song, huh? Guess you don’t like OUR LORD AND SAVIOR.”
Also, what kind of gift is playing the drums for a newborn child, or his parents? If someone wanted to celebrate the birth of my child with a Gene Krupa imitation, that person would find his ass on the curb in three seconds. “What the hell is wrong with you?! I got an infant child trying to sleep and you wanna Neil Peart it up in my house?!”
Maybe I’m being a little unfair to “The Little Drummer Boy”. Because I find it impossible to think about it without seeing Neil Diamond perform it during his Christmas special. That scene consistently ranks in my Top 50 Worst Things I’ve Ever Seen. Do you think “You Make It Feel Like Christmas” is the worst holiday-related thing Mr. Diamond has done? Oh, you have no idea.
Sadly, I could find not video of this horror online. But here’s audio of the version from Neil’s Christmas album. Imagine this accompanied by Neil doing the same kinda moves he did in the “Coming to America” video, while dressed in a similar outfit, and you may understand my hatred.
For the last ten years or so (at least it feels like that long), Lexus has run ads every Christmas that feature a brand new car in someone’s driveway, topped by a large red bow. That someone is invariably a person you want to hit in the throat with a tree stand.
Over time, these commercials evolved to become even more out of touch. It wasn’t enough that the people in these commercials woke up to new luxury sedans on Christmas morning. Now, they were being introduced to said vehicles by means of cutesy, vomit-inducing gimmicks, the kind that, in the real world, would require a huge investment of free time and money. Like a choir of children singing carols on your lawn. Or, they would necessitate other family members “tricking” mom or dad into finding the Lexus in their garage.
Eventually, the ad wizards in charge of this campaign ran out of ways to trick people into finding their new cars. Hence their Christmas spot from two years ago, in which a husband (with the help of his son) engages in the lamest ruse every filmed. You can peep my blow-by-blow review here.
Last year, Lexus had to recognize that times were tough. Even the rich-asshole-iest of the rich assholes coudn’t just plop down 50 grand for a car. Or at least they couldn’t be spurred to do so by the old Lexus sales pitch. So Lexus took a new tack: Tap into the childlike wonder of Christmas. The ads featured home movie-ish film stock, with children talking about their most beloved toys, most of which were classic toys like Big Wheels and Ataris. Then the ads would cut to the children, all grown up, marveling at their new Lexus with childlike wonderment.
It almost worked. But then they ruined it with one terrible variation on the theme: A little girl talking about getting a pony, and how it made her friends jealous. It still pisses me off just thinking about it, but you can read my fresh anger from last year here.