Category Archives: Seasonal Fare

Holiday Horrors 2009

Holiday Horrors: The Christmas Sweater

glennbeck.jpgFor other Holiday Horrors posts, click here.

I hate to divide people into camps, but I think I can safely say there are two kinds of people in America right now: People who hang on Glenn Beck’s every word, and people who think he’s batshit insane. There is no in between. There is no one who sorta likes him or catches his show every now and then. You either despise him or want a lock of his brush cut.

As vile as other right wing yakkers might be (Rush Limbaugh, Bill O’Reilly), they’re not stupid. They know how to push people’s buttons, but they also know what they can and can’t say. When push comes to shove, they’re just out to make a buck. If they could figure out how to make one more dollar as lefty talking heads than they do right now, they’d switch sides tomorrow.

Glenn Beck, on the other hand, is genuinely unhinged. And monstrously theatrical. He’s like Joe McCarthy crossed with Bob Fosse. I would not be surprised if he did a whole show in a black union suit and bowler hat while flashing jazz hands.

The more I see Glenn Beck, the more I’m convinced that he will totally implode one day, and soon. It’s a question of when, not if. And this won’t be some simple indiscretion coming to light or a mild tantrum. This is gonna be the full Howard Beale. He is gonna snap, live on the air, and say/do something so insane that not even Fox News can excuse it.

How do I know? The Christmas Sweater.

If you’re an effete liberal snob like me, you may not be familiar with The Christmas Sweater. That’s Beck’s heartstring-tugging multimedia spectacular. It tells the story of an ungrateful poor kid and his “return to redemption” (a phrase that gets exponentially stupider the more you think about it, like “a history of tradition”).

It features Glenn Beck gesturing and fetal-positioning his way to forgiveness, a one-woman gospel Greek chorus, plot contrivances that would be rejected from the worst romance novel, and crying. Lots of crying. Good lord, this man knows how to turn on the waterworks. Do not trust anyone who can cry on cue like that. They’re either manipulative, emotionally unstable, or doing pounds of blow.

Glenn Beck performed The Christmas Sweater last year, and it was simulcast in movie theatres across the country. Now it’s back again, plaguing a multiplex somewhere you. For a blow-by-blow account of this monstrosity, peep Dave Holmes’ blog post about going to see it with a friend for ironic purposes, and discovering to his horror that “the open mockery section…held exactly two people.”

Seriously, read that post and tell me: You think this guy’s here to stay? He’s a sniper in search of a belltower.

Holiday Triumphs 2009

Holiday Triumphs: Christmas Ads from 1985, Pt. 2–McDonaldspalooza

Truth be told, very few of these ads are strictly Christmas ads. Or even obliquely. But they come from the same VHS tape that spawned the first collection I posted last week, and I’d like to maintain the continuity implied by my previous post. It’s my own web-based form of OCD.

Also, this portion of the tape contained some true McDonalds gems from years past. Once upon a time, McDonalds didn’t just run ad campaigns. They were more like ad battle plans: attacks on every conceivable front, using every conceivable tactic, and about as devastating (to the arteries, anyway). There were show stopping dance routines, simplistic set pieces, and cutesy spots that tugged at the heartstrings.

Plus, tons of ads aimed squarely at children. Did McDonalds have qualms about pitching horrifically unhealthy food to impressionable tykes? No, no they did not.

But first, the adult ads. For some reason, a huge number of these spots are obsessed with the HOTNESS of McDonalds food. I don’t know if they were accused of producing lukewarm food, or if this was a particular issue at the time. (I vaguely recall a Time Magazine cover story from this era that wondered, “Are Our Fast Food Burgers Too Cold?”)

Regardless of the cause, in 1985, McDonalds wanted to make sure everyone knew how hot their food was. And just so nobody could miss the message, they created a commercials aimed at specific groups. Like this one, which is clearly pitched to people who love neon.


Continue reading Holiday Triumphs: Christmas Ads from 1985, Pt. 2–McDonaldspalooza →

Holiday Horrors 2009

Holiday Horrors: Hannukah Songs

For other Holiday Horrors posts, click here.

This falls under the category of “stuff that makes me sad for no good reason”, as mentioned in my last Holiday Horrors post. Note that “Songs” in the title is plural. I assume many people can’t name a Hannukah song other than “Dreidel Dreidel Dreidel”, and I’m not sure that even qualifies under the legal definition of a song. It’s more like a jingle.

No, there really aren’t any Hannukah songs, just like there really aren’t any Easter songs or Thanksgiving songs. It’s not a holiday that’s inspired too many composers to bang out a tune. But, if you were ever in the school band or chorus as a kid (or a parent of one), you know that Hannukah songs exist.

Because school music departments buy their sheet music (which is really expensive) in packages, usually themed. And the holiday packages inevitably include some “Hannukah song” for the purposes of inclusion. You will never have heard of this song, even if you’re Jewish, because this song/composition was probably written by some guy at The Sheet Music Company to pad out the aforementioned package. (There weren’t any Kwanzaa tunes when I was a kid, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they exist now.)

So the school band conductor/chorus leader, not wanting anyone to feel left out (or let very expensive sheet music go to waste), has his young charges perform the song at the holiday concert. Even though, again, no one in attendance has ever heard of it. The song inevitably sounds like a number cut from Fiddler on the Roof in early rehearsals, and has a vague title like “Festival of Lights”. And to emphasize it’s tossed-off-edness, it is wedged into the program right before the showstopping Christmas medley.

When I was a kid, this always made me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed for any Jewish kids/families at my school, even though I couldn’t quite put my finger on why. I guess because it’s a strange, ham-fisted approach to cultural sensitivity. As if doing anything will be enough, even if it has little to no relevance to the culture involved–or is borderline insulting. “Hey, to honor your Italian heritage, I made a bowl of pasta and threw a Frank Sinatra album on top of it, and set it out on the dining room table as a decorative centerpiece. No need to thank me!”

Around this time every year, I always think of those weird, anonymous Hannukah tunes that everyone was forced to play and nobody liked. And I wonder if kids and parents still sit in stuffy school auditoriums, squirming with discomfort just hearing them.