Category Archives: Seasonal Fare

Holiday Horrors 2009

Holiday Horrors: UPS

For other Holiday Horrors posts, click here.

I bought something on eBay for The Wife for Christmas. Something expensive, something I couldn’t just go get at a store. I bought this thing very early, knowing that shipping would take a while. I instructed the shipper to send said item to my place of business, because I knew I wouldn’t be home during usual UPS delivery hours, and because I didn’t want The Wife to discover a Mysterious Package on our doorstep.

All of this would’ve proceeded without a hitch, if the package had been shipped via anyone but UPS, who are apparently criminals. Or morons. Or criminally moronic.

oldupstruck.jpgThe package was supposed to arrive at my office yesterday. When the day wore on and nothing had arrived yet, I tracked the package. It was listed as having an Exception. And the Exception was, RECIPIENT HAS MOVED.

That came as news to me, since I’ve had my current job for a while, and our office has not moved one foot in that entire time. So I called up the UPS people, and they told me the UPS delivery guy must have gotten confused because the delivery address didn’t have my company’s name. Even though I get shipments all the time sans company name.

Apparently, my company is served by the most literal UPS delivery guy on the planet. It’s very nice that UPS is giving jobs to autistic people, but maybe they shouldn’t be delivering packages.

UPS customer service told me I had two choices: get in touch with the shipper and tell him to add the company’s name to the delivery address, or pick it up myself at a local facility. Said facility is literally blocks from my house, so I chose the latter. A minor inconvenience, but problem solved. Or so I thought.

When I got home, just to make sure the package was back in the facility, I tracked it again. This time, it had another exception, saying the delivery guy had tried again, I still had “moved”, and the package was on its way back to the shipper. In California. (In case you don’t know, I live about as far away as you can get from CA without entering another dimension.)

So I called up UPS again to try and figure out what happened. Between the online tracking and the phone reps I’m getting a lot of conflicting info, I said, so just assure me that I can pick this thing up at my local facility, I said.

Yes you can, said the UPS rep.

That’s the UPS facility in Queens, right?

Frighteningly long pause. Um, no, the facility in San Jose.

Why is it going to a facility in San Jose? Unless there’s a San Jose in Long Island.

Will you hold, please? Cue the awful hold music.

Five minutes, the UPS rep is back on the line, telling me that the package is schedule to pull a Biggie (aka go back to Cali). But he will attempt to contact the local facility and get them to intercept that before it happens.

An hour later, I got a call back from said local facility, which informed me the package was already “in processing” to go back to the shipper, and there was nothing they could do about it. Maybe you can order a new one and get the shipper to refund your money?

No, I can not do that, I said.

So this package took a week to get to me, but the second they couldn’t drop it off–at the place where I work, where the receptionist knows who I am–UPS gets rid of it like it’s covered in mad cow disease. And I had to tell The Wife, Hey, I ordered you something awesome for Christmas! But it may not get here until Memorial Day.

Just wanted to let everyone know, if you have any choice, please consider NOT using UPS. I mean, provided you’re ordering something of value that you’d actually like to receive at some point. And don’t want to RUIN YOUR CHRISTMAS.

But if you want a lot of inexplicable fuck-ups and unhelpful advice, they’re the place to go.

Holiday Triumphs 2009

Holiday Triumphs: The Framley Examiner Advert Calendar

Thanks to the tweeting of The Onion’s Joe Randazzo, I was able to enjoy the Framley Examiner Advent Calendar. Or as they call it, The Advert Calendar, since each date contains an ad for a mundane or horrifying product. It comes from a fake British department store, as a supplement to a fake local British newspaper. But trust me, the laughs are real and plentiful.

I won’t ruin any of the gags ahead of time. Just click here and you shan’t be disappointed.

Holiday Horrors 2009

Holiday Horrors: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and the Island of Misfit Toys

For other Holiday Horrors posts, click here.

Perhaps the title of this post made you do a double-take. Surely he’s not referring to the beloved holiday special?! No, of course not. The original Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is an unbridled triumph. (Although a friend of mine just reminded me of something disturbing in it, which I may cover in a future Holiday Horrors installment.)

What I’m referring to is a special produced for the direct-to-video market (a true mark of quality) in 2001. I don’t think the title is meant to remind people of the Christmas classic–I think it’s supposed to confuse them and make them think they’re purchasing the original.

At least that was my initial reaction. ABC Family ran it earlier this week as part of their 25 Days of Christmas spectacular, and when I saw it listed in the cable guide, for a second I assumed it was the special I grew up with. So I turned it on, hoping to introduce The Baby to its charms. Needless to say, I was not pleased.

Though it contains many of the same characters–Hermey the Elf, Yukon Cornelius, many of the Island of Misfit Toy residents–any resemblance between it and 1964’s Rudolph is purely coincidental. For one thing, it eschews the stop-motion craft of the original–you know, its major defining characteristic–for CGI. Bad CGI. Really, really bad CGI.

I know that technology proceeds at a breakneck pace nowadays. Eight years is a long time in Computer Years. Even so, this animation is unacceptable. Especially since the original was created with such care and attention to detail. Rankin-Bass made their original with stop-motion dolls, painstakingly shooting each scene frame by frame. You can see the craft in every shot.

In the 2001 retread, you can’t see anything except all the corners that were cut. I’m definitely not anti-CGI. Every time I watch a Pixar film, I’m blown away at how computers can create something so warm and full of life. Then I see garbage like this and I remember, “Oh yeah, computers can make horseshit, too.”

Remember how the original Rudolph had all of those catchy, heart-warming songs? This special doesn’t have those either. Oh, it has songs. It just doesn’t have memorable ones. The songs aren’t horrible, but they sound as forced as a Katie Holmes smile looks. I actually felt sorry for the composer, trying to squeeze blood from this stone, and hoped that at least s/he was well compensated. But if the animation is any indication, no one involved with this thing was paid too well.

What happens in this special? Some guy steals toys, and then they go to the…island…or something. The writers clearly didn’t care about a plot, so why should I? And for some reason, Rudolph still longs to have a normal nose, even though his red nose is the only reason anyone likes him. But that gets resolved when…ugh, it doesn’t matter. I’m getting mad just thinking about it. And sleepy. Is there such an emotion as sleepy-mad?

But at least this special has star power! Burl Ives’ banjo-playing snowman character is replaced by a reporter snowman called Scoop, played by Richard Dreyfuss. Rick Moranis and Jamie Lee Curtis each play villains. None of them distinguish themselves in any way, as if they hoped no one would notice their presence if they didn’t get too excited. Like everything else about this special, their performances are resolutely mediocre.

This is easily one of the worst Christmas specials I’ve ever seen. There are worse specials in terms of overall quality, but this one tried to piggyback on Rudolph, a true work of art that’s treasured by millions of people. It was obviously written by committee, rushed through production, and not given one iota of care and attention. Because whoever created it thought they could just appropriate the Rudolph characters, slap a confusing name on the DVD package, and rake in the dough.

Shame on you, sir or madam. May you get eaten by a Bumble.