Category Archives: Seasonal Fare

Seasonal Fare

Season’s Greetings from Taser Grandma

This year, I’d like to once again present a Holiday Horror and/or Holiday Triumph for each day in December leading up to Christmas. But I’ve gained a larger readership since last Yuletide, and that means increased bandwidth and more overtime for the guys down in the archival warehouse. (Frank, Tony, Carmine, Joey, and Fran do good job, they really do.)

So reluctantly, I’ve had to take on some outside sponsors to make this year’s Holiday Horrors/Triumphs possible. But I want all of you know that I’d never take on a sponsor that might compromise or bring shame to this site. In that spirit, I present my first holiday sponsor, Taser Grandma, America’s oldest and most lovable taser salesperson, who you can follow on Twitter here.

Thumbnail image for tasergramma.jpgSEASON’S GREETINS TO ONE AND ALL! TASER GRANDMA HERE, REMINDIN YOU THAT TASERS MAKE GREAT STOCKIN STUFFERS! BUT MAKE SURE THE STOCKINS ARE RUBBER OR SOME OTHER INSULATED MATERIAL. OTHERWISE YOU MIGHT GET BOUT 9000 VOLTS OF HOLIDAY CHEER!

WHEN I THINK OF THIS TIME O’ YEAR, I REMEMBER GOIN OUT WITH TASER GRAMPA TO PICKS US UP THE OL’ FAMILY CHRISTMAS TREE. WE’D HIKE OUT INTO THE WOODS, JUST ME, HIM, AND THE YOUNG’UNS, AND WE WOULDN’T COME HOME UNTIL WE FOUND JUST THE RIGHT ONE! BUT WE WOULDN’T CHOP IT DOWN, NO SIREE. WE’D TASE IT DOWN! TOOK A BIT LONGER THAN AN AXE, BUT BY GUM, IT WAS WORTH IT, EVEN IF THE SHOCKMEISTER 3000 SINGED OFF ALLA THE DAD-GUM PINE NEEDLES.

THEN THE KIDDIES WOULD SET OUT SOME MILK AND COOKIES FOR SANTY CLAUS, PLUS HIS VERY OWN RED AND GREEN ZAPS-A-POPPIN 750. IT’S A GOOD WEAPON FOR THE OLDER FELLER; EASY TO USE BUT STILL GOTTA LOTTA KICK. I KNOW SANTA GETS INTO SOME ROUGH NEIGHBORHOODS AND A BODY CAN’T BE TOO CAREFUL. WOULDN’T WANT ALL THE GOOD BOYS N’ GIRLS TO BE DISAPPOINTED BECAUSE HE WASN’T SUFFICIENTLY ARMIN HIMSELF FOR ALL THE DANGERS OF THE MODERN URBAN LANDSCAPE, DAG NABBIT!

BUT MY FAVORITE PART OF CHRISTMAS CAME WHEN ALL MY YOUNG’UNS HAD LITTLE SHAVERS OF THEIR OWN, AND I GOTS TO SPOIL EM ALL EVERY YEAR. LORD, IT BROUGHT MY HEART SUCH JOY TO SEE THEIR FACES LIGHT UP WHEN THEY OPENED UP THEIR PRESENTS. AND IT BROUGHT ME EVEN MORE JOY TO SEE EM LIGHT UP EACH OTHER FACES WITH THOSE PRESENTS, THE LIL’ SIZZLER. PERFECT SIZE FOR LITTLE HANDS AND JUST ENOUGH KICK TO KEEP DOWN THE MONKEYSHINES!

TASER GRANDMA WISHES YOU AND YOUR’N ALL THE BEST THIS HOLIDAY SEASON! MAY THE COMIN YEAR BRING US ALL PEACE AND GOOD WILL. AND IF IT DON’T, MAY IT BRING US ALL OUR VERY OWN FLESHWRANGLER 5000, CUZ THAT BABY CAN GELD A PRIZE STALLION AT 800 YARDS! IF SOMEONE CUTS IN FRONT OF YOU AT THE OL FIVE AND DIME, THAT’LL LEARN EM!

Seasonal Fare, The Funny

Turkey Day, the Most Holiest of Holidays

I cannot think of Thanksgiving without also thinking of the annual Turkey Day marathons that once came with them. In the early/mid 1990s, Comedy Central would turn over its broadcasting day to a non-stop showing of Mystery Science Theater 3000, my favoritest show ever.

If I recall correctly, it was a Turkey Day Marathon that turned me on to MST3K in the first place. I didn’t even have cable, but an older cousin hipped me to its basic premise, and it certainly sounded like it was up my alley. One Thanksgiving at my grandparents’ house, I just happened to flip on Comedy Central as they were airing the “Crash of the Moons” episode. It was love at first sight.

My grandfather, who did not cuss lightly, wondered “What the hell is this?” with genuine bewilderment. But he still indulged my obsession by allowing me to set up a timer recording on his VCR, so I could tape it every night at midnight and bring it home to watch.

“I don’t get that show at all,” Grampa would say, but he let me monopolize his TV (and cable box) anyway. He was a saint.

I am decidedly a Joel partisan; his shows had a goofiness and silliness that kept them from being too mean-spirited, and I think that was lost when he left. However, my favorite Turkey Day bumpers might be these from the Mike Era, which bring back many characters from over the years: Mr. B Natural, The Kitten with the Whip, and Pitch, among others. Plus, Mike reprises two classic roles: the preternaturally ebullient Jack Perkins, and crooner Michael Feinstein (much to the delight of Dr. Forrester).

Pointless Nostalgia Video, Seasonal Fare, Videocracy

Ghosts of Thanksgivings Past: Marvel Floats

As a kid, the highlight and lowlight of every holiday season for me was the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. It was the highlight because, duh, huge balloons. It was the lowlight because, even to a child, it had some truly cringe-tacular moments.

For some strange reason, the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade has always (or at least always in my lifetime) simultaneously tried to appeal to both kids and Broadway aficionados. Why did they try to do this? I don’t know, because Times Square is sort of close to Herald Square? Makes as much sense as any other explanation.

They also tried to shoehorn various celebrities into the festivities. Some were established, or at least recognizable. Some were clearly being foisted on the show by some agent hoping to establish a client. (If a singer was “performing” his/her “smash hit single”, it was a virtual guaranteed said single hadn’t even been pressed yet.)

Regardless of their status, said celebrity would probably be inserted into some sort of float or setpiece in which their presence was superfluous at best. And often asked to sing, even if (often especially if) they were not known as a singer. (“Here to perform a medley from Damn Yankees, please welcome Abe Vigoda!”)

This was extremely frustrating to a little kid. When you’d see the opening credits for the Parade and see something you loved teased as coming up soon, naturally you thought that said thing would be presented in a form you loved. If you were told Masters of the Universe would appear, you assumed they would resemble the cartoon you watched every day. You didn’t expect guys in weird, foamy costumes fake-sword fighting on a 15-foot float.

In that spirit, I present this video from the 1989 (first captured and shared with the world by the excellent X-Entertainment.com, which has a plethora of Thanksgiving Parade videos and period commercials as well). It features a float by Marvel Entertainment, full of all your favorite Marvel characters, and of course Melba Moore too, because…huh?

Ms. Moore sings “I Need a Hero,” addressing many of the lyrics to Captain America and Spider-Man (who’s too busy crouching to pay her much attention). She had a few hits in the 1980s. “I Need a Hero” was not one of them. This is something the Parade is notorious for doing, having some random person sing a random song in a random setting, thus assuring that everyone involved looks intensely uncomfortable.

Compared to some performances I’ve seen, Moore is in Laurence Olivier territory. She’s game enough to get caught in web-type-thing and climb through a manhole. But no one else has much room to maneuver, and the Marvel heroes and villains don’t fight so much as they lightly tap each other and shift from one foot to the other. The Hulk in particular looks like he doesn’t know what to do with himself.

By the end of the video, everyone is bopping along to the beat, regardless of affiliation. You can see both Doctor Doom and Luke Cage rockin’ out as the song fades away. Moore has united them all with her R&B song stylings.

Weird? Of course, but no weirder than the Marvel float from 1987, which did not include Moore or any other practitioners of the quiet storm arts. It was just a lot of low-impact aerobics, featuring the exact same float seen above, most of the same heroes, and the soundtrack from Back to the Future.

Captain America is prominently featured, as he saves Wolverine from being shoved by bad guys, zaps Doctor Doom to death, and briefly passes by RoboCop without comment (and before you say RoboCop wasn’t part of the Marvel Universe, he was, smart guy). 

Two things that confuse me more than the presence of RoboCop: Why does Dr. Strange look like Frank Zappa, and why is The Hulk a bad guy?