Category Archives: Seasonal Fare

Holiday Horrors 2010

Holiday Horrors: Super Mario Brothers Super Show Christmas Special

Continuing the fabled tradition begun all the way back in 2009, Scratchbomb presents Holiday Horrors and Holiday Triumphs: an advent calendar of some of the more hideous aspects of this most stressful time of year–with a few bits of awesomeness sprinkled in.

Yesterday, in my post about the puke-tacular He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special, I wrote about how you shouldn’t let nostalgia cloud your judgment about the true quality of beloved items from your childhood. There is no such danger with today’s Holiday Horror, because even in my less discriminating youth, I knew it was garbage.

Like many folks of my generation, I loved Nintendo. Scratch that, I didn’t just love Nintendo, I believed in Nintendo. If I added up all the hours I spent playing it as a kid–assuming there are machines powerful enough to make such calculations–I would probably have to kill myself once I learned how much time I wasted.

marioandluigi.jpgOne of the main tenets of Nintendoism holds that Mario is awesome, no matter what he does. Therefore, when a cartoon show debuted called The Super Mario Brothers Super Show, naturally I had to watch it. I eagerly anticipated its arrival, but once I actually watched the thing, I felt that horrible Kid Feeling of being gypped by adults. This show was nothing short of an unmitigated disaster.

My first tip-off should have been the fact that it was called The Super Mario Brothers Super Show. In retrospect, that is a painfully stupid name, and indicates the amount of care and thought that went into the whole enterprise.

Do you remember another Nintendo-themed cartoon called Captain N? That was pretty awful (except for the choice to make Mother Brain sound like Little Richard, which was insane). But compared to The Super Mario Brothers Super Show, Captain N was The Wire.

It would’ve been bad enough just as a cartoon. The animation was terrible, and the plots about as threadbare as you might expect from a show based on a video game. Its only redeeming feature–if it can be called that–was that the music and many of the sound effects were taken from the real Mario games. Such a minor detail being its best feature–one that might be noticeable to only the fanniest of fanboys–should indicate how bad the rest of it is.

But the show wasn’t just a cartoon. For some reason, there were also live action sequences with the Mario Brothers engaging in sub-Bowery Boys-level comedy, on sets that make Steampipe Alley look like Barry Lyndon. And in case you thought anyone involved would escape with any dignity, the producers added a laugh track that ironically punctuates just how unfunny the whole thing is.

Mario himself was played by legendary wrestling figure Capt. Lou Albano, who was a ubiquitous figure in the 1980s thanks to his contributions to rubber-band-based fashion. He was not, however, a very good actor. Then again, Laurence Olivier couldn’t have done anything with this material. (Although I wish he would’ve tried; it would’ve resulted in a hilariously scenery-chewing Jazz Singer-esque performance.)

Like every other cartoon ever made, The Super Mario Brothers Super Show had a special Christmas episode, “Koopa Claus”. Truth be told, this installment is not any worse than any other. But all those other episodes didn’t try to drag down the Yuletide with it, so this one gets an extra large lump of coal in its stocking.

After a title sequence “rap” so cringe-worthy it will make your teeth hurt, the Mario Brothers’ enjoyment of boxing is interrupted by a kid with a suitcase (who I’m pretty sure is the youngest kid from Family Ties who aged five years in one off-season). He wants to run away from home because his parents don’t love him anymore. Being responsible Italian stereotypes, the Mario Brothers try to talk this wayward child off the fence while their cartoon unfolds.

What happens in the cartoon? Does it matter? Even if you’ve never seen it, you could probably relate what happens just as well as I. The Mario Brothers, The Princess, and Toad wind up near the North Pole just as King Koopa kidnaps Santa and tries to ruin Christmas. Like every other villain ever, he hates Christmas, presents, and goodness of all kinds, and he keeps saying “Bah, Koop-bug” as if this makes any goddamn sense whatsoever.

Enemies from the games try to defeat the Mario Brothers, to no avail, and King Koopa’s evil plans are thwarted by the power of Christmas spirit. When you subtract the live action segments, the cartoon probably clocks in at 12 minutes, and yet it feels like nine years have passed. While waiting for this garbage to end, I swear I grew a beard.

With that unpleasantness over, we return to the hilarious live action antics of the Mario Brothers, which include a flashback to Mario and Luigi’s feckless youth, when they wore propeller beanies and didn’t want to help their mother peel garlic. Only color film and an audible soundtrack tell you that this wasn’t produced in 1917. You would not be the least surprised to see a Keystone Kop hit a huge fat lady with a cream pie.

Stick around for the end credits to learn how to do The Mario. If you can’t wait that long, here’s how: Swing your arms from side to side, then step once, and then again. That’s it. Words can not express how truly uncomfortable this song made me as a kid. It made me feel bad for whoever was involved in writing it, performing it, and, in a small way, for the entire human race.

If you love Mario, download the old games for your Wii. Do not watch this Christmas special, or any other episode of The Super Mario Brothers Super Show. It does not even qualify for so-bad-it’s-good status, and the live action segments are so old timey and weirdly racist against Italians, I think they were written by vaudevillian Klansmen.

Holiday Triumphs 2010

Holiday Triumphs: O’ Christmas Pete

Continuing the fabled tradition begun all the way back in 2009, Scratchbomb presents Holiday Horrors and Holiday Triumphs: an advent calendar of some of the more hideous aspects of this most stressful time of year–with a few bits of awesomeness sprinkled in.

artie.jpgI’ve been rediscovering The Adventures of Pete and Pete lately. I don’t know how it started, but I got The Baby into this gem, and her love of it has rekindled my own love of it.

I’m very glad Pete and Pete hasn’t totally disappeared down the memory hole, which would be very easy for show that didn’t run for very long on a cable network. Whenever I mention this show to people in my relative age bracket, they will inevitably break into a smile caused by remembrances of awesome past.

If you’re too young or too old to remember Pete and Pete, here’s the background: It began in the early 90s on Nickelodeon as a series of shorts, then expanded into half-hour specials, and finally became its own series that ran for three seasons. It was basically about the titular brothers (yes, they were both named Pete) and their, well, adventures in the fictional town of Wellsville.

The show was definitely aimed at children, yet had enough weirdness and sly references to appeal to adults (or very hip kids), little touches and running gags that separate a mediocre show from a great one. Like how every piece of electronic equipment was a Krebstar 2000. Or how Little Pete had a 50s-style tattoo of a lady on his forearm named Petunia (who received her own credit in the opening titles), something bizarre that never came close to being explained, or even questioned. Or how both Petes were constantly terrorized by bullies with insane nicknames like Endless Mike, Open Face, and Gravy Breath.

Pete and Pete had tons of out-of-nowhere cameos by celebrities, often from the world of music. Kate Pierson, Michael Stipe, Julianna Hatfield, and Marshall Crenshaw had one-off roles, and Iggy Pop had a regular gig as the father of Little Pete’s friend Nona.

Of course, the best character was Little Pete’s personal superhero, Artie The Strongest Man in the World, who would perform feats of strength, enable Little Pete’s crazy schemes, and perform gymnastic dance moves like The Voodoo Crispy.

Pete and Pete did one Christmas special during their run, and though it did not feature Artie (he had left the show by that point), it was definitely one for the ages. In some ways it is almost as touching as A Charlie Brown Christmas, while being infinitely more strange.
Continue reading Holiday Triumphs: O’ Christmas Pete →

Holiday Horrors 2010

Holiday Horrors: The He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special

Continuing the fabled tradition begun all the way back in 2009, Scratchbomb presents Holiday Horrors and Holiday Triumphs: an advent calendar of some of the more hideous aspects of this most stressful time of year–with a few bits of awesomeness sprinkled in.

hemanxmas.jpgUPDATE 12.10: I received a copyright claim from Classic Media regarding the He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special video clips. Rather than endanger the rest of my YouTube bounty, I made the executive decision to take them down. I apologize that they’re no longer available but these terrible videos died so that the rest may live. A moment of silence, if you please.

There’s an important milestone in every adult’s life when you realize most of the things you liked as a kid aren’t very good. Most kids’ tastes aren’t too refined, and they’re also easily swayed by peer pressure. If everyone else at your school likes something, there’s a good chance you’ll “like” it, too. There’s no such thing as a hip 8-year-old who eschews Pokemon to dig on Wes Anderson movies and Captain Beefheart.

I don’t think you should turn your back on everything you loved as a kid. (The enormous amount of posts about things from my childhood should indicate that.) But there’s a big difference between appreciating the touchstones of your childhood in a nostalgic way and insisting these things actually have quality, which most of them don’t.

Trust me, I have a little girl who’s into lots of things that are terrible. They look like complete garbage to me, but I’m sure that one day she’ll look back on them with the rose-colored glasses of nostalgia. Twenty years from now, we can look forward to glowing essays on the metacritical themes of iCarly.

Here’s a prime example: He-Man. I watched this cartoon every day, without fail. I had many of the toys–not as many as I wanted, of course, since there was a new Masters of the Universe figure every three days or so. My poor mom still tells the story of traveling all the way Poughkeepsie and fight with other desperate parents, just so she could bring home a Castle Grayskull playset for Christmas one year.

And yet, I remember virtually nothing about the show. I remember some of the characters’ names, the theme song, and that’s basically it. I don’t think this is because I was so young, because I can remember other things from around the same time, and vividly. I have clear memories of both Transformers and Thundercats, which both had a distinct, sometimes dark style to them. (Ever read the Transformers comic book Marvel put out in the 1980s? It was dark as hell. So was the G.I. Joe title. They knew their main audience was kids and killed people left and right anyway.)

The reason He-Man was lost in the mists of my brain is because it wasn’t very memorable. The few times I’ve seen it as an adult have confirmed this. The animation is decent during action sequences, but the animators seemed to struggle with dialogue; any word that matched a character’s lips was purely coincidental. The voice acting was stilted, and the dialogue just as wooden. And there’s rarely any real sense of drama. Someone gets in trouble, Adam turns into He-Man, and he beats the crap out of everyone. The end, ho hum.

Not to mention that the show was a shameless vehicle for selling toys. Mattel would put out a new figure as often as humanly possible, and lo and behold, he’d show up in next week’s cartoon! When they ran out of ideas for new characters, they’d just fit the old ones with squirting backpacks or chests that got dented for some reason Even among its peers, who basically did the same thing (see: the aforementioned cartoons), He-Man stuck out as being quite obviously only one arm of a larger marketing strategy. It was like the KISS of superhero cartoons.

However, one He-Man episode has remained in my mind, because of its craven attempt to both capitalize on Yuletide joy and introduce a whole new line of toys. This was the He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special. Yes, He-Man and She-Ra (who are apparently twin brother and sister) teamed up for this event, which was about as successful a crossover as The Jetsons Meet The Flintstones.

As the action opens, He-Man and She-Ra are together for the first time to celebrate their birthdays together (no explanation of why She-Ra has returned, or why they haven’t had a birthday together every, of course). We’re treated to a scene of all the He-Man characters and all the She-Ra characters decorating and tidying up the royal palace for the party. Yes, that’s why we got all these heroes together in one place, so they could clean up! If you tuned in late and missed this scene, don’t worry, you’ll see it at least three more times.

The action (such as it is) begins when Orko accidentally sets off a rocketship and, after a run-in with Skeletor, winds up crash landing on Earth. There he meets a couple of kids, Miguel and Alecia, and does something useful for once by saving them from an avalanche. The kids take shelter in Orko’s stolen spaceship.

When the kids mention Christmas, Orko has no idea what that is, so they fill him on the whole “away in a manger” story. The cartoon cuts away before the kids can tell the whole Biblical tale, but I still find it weird that, in a special that is otherwise completely middle of the road, they would touch anything religious with a 10-foot pole.

To get Orko back from Earth, She-Ra has to rescue some sort of gem from a lake, which is guarded by robots who look suspiciously like Transformers. They capture She-Ra in a bubble, then inexplicably leave to “prepare for battle.” Given this reprieve, She-Ra returns the crystal, and the spaceship is transported back to Eternia.

Unfortunately, it brings the kids with it, and now they’re going to miss Christmas! Don’t worry, kids. A couple of magical fairies and some beefy dude with a heart on his chest will cheer you up. Until a boner-shaped ship comes to take you away, that is.

Why are the kids wanted? Because Horde Prime fears their presence has brought “a great spirit of goodness to Eternia!” So he charges Skeletor and Hordak (She-Ra’s mortal enemy) with reining these kids in. Would you like an explanation about who Horde Prime is and what power he holds over these super villains? Too bad!

Much wackiness and one-upmanship ensues. Hordak loses the kids when they’re claimed by the aforementioned Transformer-rip-off-bots, who want the children for reasons neither they nor anyone else bothers to articulate. They languish in prison until rescued by this special’s Ewok equivalents, cutesy little robots called Manchines. Then He-Man and Sh-Ra beat up the Fake Transformers and everything’s cool, right?

Nope! Skeletor swoops in to take the kids, but his Air Rascal is shot down by a jealous Hordak. They land on a snowy mountain, where the evil villain suddenly feels himself overcome by an odd sense of charity that makes him feel ill. He gives he freezing kids jackets and even takes care of the sickeningly cute Manchine puppy that stowed away with them. And when Horde Prime attempts to kidnap the kids, Skeletor even blasts his ship and saves the day.

Naturally, this Grinch-like turnaround ends with a fade-out on everyone laughing. This was actually the law back then; every pivotal cartoon scene had to end with all the characters chuckling at something, even if it wasn’t remotely funny.

The special ends with He-Man playing Santa and giving the kids flying belts. That seems a tad irresponsible; I can only imagine what kind of trouble a kid could get into while levitating. Why, just watch the mischief they play on their parents! (Who seem weirdly unphased that their kids were missing FOR DAYS.)

Why is this a Holiday Horror? If you did not grow up in the 1980s, there is absolutely no reason for you to watch this thing. I can’t imagine what would compel you to do so, and even if you did, you’d surely turn it off five minutes in.

Even if you did grow up in the 1980s, I’m sure your opinion of this special will range somewhere between excruciating and unwatchable. All the dialogue sounds like it was slowed down or delivered by voice actors on Xanax. The non-action animation is robotic. Even the simplest plot points go unexplained. And the Manchines are annoying as hell, apart from being another blatant attempt to create a new set of figures for kids to scream at their parents to get (which, near as I can tell, did not succeed).

I often get annoyed when The Baby makes me watch something like Caillou or The Fresh Beat Band. And then I remember I watched garbage like He-Man all the time as a kid, and consider this my karmic payback.