Category Archives: Holiday Horrors 2009

Holiday Horrors 2009

Holiday Horrors: Hannukah Songs

For other Holiday Horrors posts, click here.

This falls under the category of “stuff that makes me sad for no good reason”, as mentioned in my last Holiday Horrors post. Note that “Songs” in the title is plural. I assume many people can’t name a Hannukah song other than “Dreidel Dreidel Dreidel”, and I’m not sure that even qualifies under the legal definition of a song. It’s more like a jingle.

No, there really aren’t any Hannukah songs, just like there really aren’t any Easter songs or Thanksgiving songs. It’s not a holiday that’s inspired too many composers to bang out a tune. But, if you were ever in the school band or chorus as a kid (or a parent of one), you know that Hannukah songs exist.

Because school music departments buy their sheet music (which is really expensive) in packages, usually themed. And the holiday packages inevitably include some “Hannukah song” for the purposes of inclusion. You will never have heard of this song, even if you’re Jewish, because this song/composition was probably written by some guy at The Sheet Music Company to pad out the aforementioned package. (There weren’t any Kwanzaa tunes when I was a kid, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they exist now.)

So the school band conductor/chorus leader, not wanting anyone to feel left out (or let very expensive sheet music go to waste), has his young charges perform the song at the holiday concert. Even though, again, no one in attendance has ever heard of it. The song inevitably sounds like a number cut from Fiddler on the Roof in early rehearsals, and has a vague title like “Festival of Lights”. And to emphasize it’s tossed-off-edness, it is wedged into the program right before the showstopping Christmas medley.

When I was a kid, this always made me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed for any Jewish kids/families at my school, even though I couldn’t quite put my finger on why. I guess because it’s a strange, ham-fisted approach to cultural sensitivity. As if doing anything will be enough, even if it has little to no relevance to the culture involved–or is borderline insulting. “Hey, to honor your Italian heritage, I made a bowl of pasta and threw a Frank Sinatra album on top of it, and set it out on the dining room table as a decorative centerpiece. No need to thank me!”

Around this time every year, I always think of those weird, anonymous Hannukah tunes that everyone was forced to play and nobody liked. And I wonder if kids and parents still sit in stuffy school auditoriums, squirming with discomfort just hearing them.

Holiday Horrors 2009

Holiday Horrors: Drug Store Gift Sets

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Weird things make me sad. Like signs that say GOING OUT OF BUSINESS, or old broken toys heaped on the curb for garbage pickup. I have no true connection to whatever situation has transpired, and yet the sight of these things gives me a deep, untouchable melancholy feeling.

In this category, I put drug store gift sets. If you’ve been to a CVS or Duane Reade around the holidays, you know of what I speak. They’re usually toiletry related, like a set of brushes or a manicure set or five identically smelling but differently colored bath scents. They come in red and green boxes, and they usually have a preprinted price tag as part of the cardboard packaging, held on by a perforated hinge, so you can rip it off and no one will know how cheap you are.

I can not fully express how sad the sight of these gift sets makes me. No one wants to get them. No one wants to give them. If you’re buying them, you’re either buying them for someone you barely care about, or because you’re too broke to get something better. And regardless of the reason, no one who receives them is happy.

Wow. I am so bummed out now I have to go lie down. Thanks, Walgreens.

Holiday Horrors 2009

Holiday Horrors: “The Little Drummer Boy”

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Most holiday tunes fall into one of two categories. There are religious Christmas songs, which celebrate the birth of Jesus (which totally couldn’t have happened on December 25th and is just a remnant of an ancient pagan Roman bacchanal, but that’s a whole other story). And there are secular Christmas songs, which celebrate snow and presents and togetherness.

And then there’s “The Little Drummer Boy”, which tries to be a mutant hybrid of both. It’s definitely not secular, because it tells the story of a young percussionist who celebrates the Messiah’s birth with some killer skin work. But this story can’t be found in any Gospel account. So it’s actually less a Biblical tale and more like Jesus Fanfic.

I believe people like this song for its pseudo-crypto-spirituality. It has religious elements to it, but it doesn’t make people nervous by getting too serious. The Angel Craze of the last 15-20 years or so comes from a similar place. It has traces of Christianity, but not enough to, you know, help others or be more forgiving or change you life in any meaningful way.

In other words, “The Little Drummer Boy” is a huge cop out. I’m not religious, but I will take traditional, overtly religious Christmas carols like “Silent Night” over this hunk of garbage. At least religious songs come from a sincere, genuine place. There’s something manipulative about “The Little Drummer Boy”, as if its composer yanked in the Jesus angle to make it criticism-proof. “Oh, you don’t like my song, huh? Guess you don’t like OUR LORD AND SAVIOR.”

Also, what kind of gift is playing the drums for a newborn child, or his parents? If someone wanted to celebrate the birth of my child with a Gene Krupa imitation, that person would find his ass on the curb in three seconds. “What the hell is wrong with you?! I got an infant child trying to sleep and you wanna Neil Peart it up in my house?!”

Maybe I’m being a little unfair to “The Little Drummer Boy”. Because I find it impossible to think about it without seeing Neil Diamond perform it during his Christmas special. That scene consistently ranks in my Top 50 Worst Things I’ve Ever Seen. Do you think “You Make It Feel Like Christmas” is the worst holiday-related thing Mr. Diamond has done? Oh, you have no idea.

Sadly, I could find not video of this horror online. But here’s audio of the version from Neil’s Christmas album. Imagine this accompanied by Neil doing the same kinda moves he did in the “Coming to America” video, while dressed in a similar outfit, and you may understand my hatred.