Category Archives: Holiday Horrors 2009

Holiday Horrors 2009

Holiday Horrors: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and the Island of Misfit Toys

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Perhaps the title of this post made you do a double-take. Surely he’s not referring to the beloved holiday special?! No, of course not. The original Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is an unbridled triumph. (Although a friend of mine just reminded me of something disturbing in it, which I may cover in a future Holiday Horrors installment.)

What I’m referring to is a special produced for the direct-to-video market (a true mark of quality) in 2001. I don’t think the title is meant to remind people of the Christmas classic–I think it’s supposed to confuse them and make them think they’re purchasing the original.

At least that was my initial reaction. ABC Family ran it earlier this week as part of their 25 Days of Christmas spectacular, and when I saw it listed in the cable guide, for a second I assumed it was the special I grew up with. So I turned it on, hoping to introduce The Baby to its charms. Needless to say, I was not pleased.

Though it contains many of the same characters–Hermey the Elf, Yukon Cornelius, many of the Island of Misfit Toy residents–any resemblance between it and 1964’s Rudolph is purely coincidental. For one thing, it eschews the stop-motion craft of the original–you know, its major defining characteristic–for CGI. Bad CGI. Really, really bad CGI.

I know that technology proceeds at a breakneck pace nowadays. Eight years is a long time in Computer Years. Even so, this animation is unacceptable. Especially since the original was created with such care and attention to detail. Rankin-Bass made their original with stop-motion dolls, painstakingly shooting each scene frame by frame. You can see the craft in every shot.

In the 2001 retread, you can’t see anything except all the corners that were cut. I’m definitely not anti-CGI. Every time I watch a Pixar film, I’m blown away at how computers can create something so warm and full of life. Then I see garbage like this and I remember, “Oh yeah, computers can make horseshit, too.”

Remember how the original Rudolph had all of those catchy, heart-warming songs? This special doesn’t have those either. Oh, it has songs. It just doesn’t have memorable ones. The songs aren’t horrible, but they sound as forced as a Katie Holmes smile looks. I actually felt sorry for the composer, trying to squeeze blood from this stone, and hoped that at least s/he was well compensated. But if the animation is any indication, no one involved with this thing was paid too well.

What happens in this special? Some guy steals toys, and then they go to the…island…or something. The writers clearly didn’t care about a plot, so why should I? And for some reason, Rudolph still longs to have a normal nose, even though his red nose is the only reason anyone likes him. But that gets resolved when…ugh, it doesn’t matter. I’m getting mad just thinking about it. And sleepy. Is there such an emotion as sleepy-mad?

But at least this special has star power! Burl Ives’ banjo-playing snowman character is replaced by a reporter snowman called Scoop, played by Richard Dreyfuss. Rick Moranis and Jamie Lee Curtis each play villains. None of them distinguish themselves in any way, as if they hoped no one would notice their presence if they didn’t get too excited. Like everything else about this special, their performances are resolutely mediocre.

This is easily one of the worst Christmas specials I’ve ever seen. There are worse specials in terms of overall quality, but this one tried to piggyback on Rudolph, a true work of art that’s treasured by millions of people. It was obviously written by committee, rushed through production, and not given one iota of care and attention. Because whoever created it thought they could just appropriate the Rudolph characters, slap a confusing name on the DVD package, and rake in the dough.

Shame on you, sir or madam. May you get eaten by a Bumble.

Holiday Horrors 2009

Holiday Horrors: “Funky, Funky, Xmas”

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The time to make fun of New Kids on the Block, like the time of New Kids on the Block themselves, has long since passed. Such hackery belongs with jokes whose punchlines end in “Where’s the Beef?”

However, no discussion of Holiday Horrors would be complete without a mention of their 1989 album Merry Merry Christmas. Slapped together in a cynical attempt to capitalize on both the group’s popularity and the Yuletide season, it is a cornucopia of fake holiday sentiment, misappropriated hip-hop, and bad drum machines.

Late 80s music production drives me completely up the wall, and Merry Merry Christmas is no exception. This was the dawning of the digital recording era–also known as The Era of No Low End. Every sound is compressed to within an inch of its life, and it’s all so trebly it makes Alvin and the Chipmunks sound like Barry White.

The album contains no redeeming features, but if I had to pick the worst track, I’d opt for “Funky, Funky, Xmas”. There is so much to hate about it. From the cookie cutter beat to the sub-kindergarten-level lyrics to the unnecessary second comma in the title, it is wall to wall suck. And despite the double “funky”s in the title, it is about as funky as Perry Como. Especially as performed on The Arsenio Hall Show, which you can view below, if you dare.

This version is actually worse than the studio cut, because the Kids valiantly attempt to sing live over the screams of their adoring fans as they bust some Roger Rabbits. Unfortunately, without the benefit of the latest digital compressors, they sound like guys trying to shout at you across a room as they run on treadmills.

Holiday Horrors 2009

Holiday Horrors: The Christmas Sweater

glennbeck.jpgFor other Holiday Horrors posts, click here.

I hate to divide people into camps, but I think I can safely say there are two kinds of people in America right now: People who hang on Glenn Beck’s every word, and people who think he’s batshit insane. There is no in between. There is no one who sorta likes him or catches his show every now and then. You either despise him or want a lock of his brush cut.

As vile as other right wing yakkers might be (Rush Limbaugh, Bill O’Reilly), they’re not stupid. They know how to push people’s buttons, but they also know what they can and can’t say. When push comes to shove, they’re just out to make a buck. If they could figure out how to make one more dollar as lefty talking heads than they do right now, they’d switch sides tomorrow.

Glenn Beck, on the other hand, is genuinely unhinged. And monstrously theatrical. He’s like Joe McCarthy crossed with Bob Fosse. I would not be surprised if he did a whole show in a black union suit and bowler hat while flashing jazz hands.

The more I see Glenn Beck, the more I’m convinced that he will totally implode one day, and soon. It’s a question of when, not if. And this won’t be some simple indiscretion coming to light or a mild tantrum. This is gonna be the full Howard Beale. He is gonna snap, live on the air, and say/do something so insane that not even Fox News can excuse it.

How do I know? The Christmas Sweater.

If you’re an effete liberal snob like me, you may not be familiar with The Christmas Sweater. That’s Beck’s heartstring-tugging multimedia spectacular. It tells the story of an ungrateful poor kid and his “return to redemption” (a phrase that gets exponentially stupider the more you think about it, like “a history of tradition”).

It features Glenn Beck gesturing and fetal-positioning his way to forgiveness, a one-woman gospel Greek chorus, plot contrivances that would be rejected from the worst romance novel, and crying. Lots of crying. Good lord, this man knows how to turn on the waterworks. Do not trust anyone who can cry on cue like that. They’re either manipulative, emotionally unstable, or doing pounds of blow.

Glenn Beck performed The Christmas Sweater last year, and it was simulcast in movie theatres across the country. Now it’s back again, plaguing a multiplex somewhere you. For a blow-by-blow account of this monstrosity, peep Dave Holmes’ blog post about going to see it with a friend for ironic purposes, and discovering to his horror that “the open mockery section…held exactly two people.”

Seriously, read that post and tell me: You think this guy’s here to stay? He’s a sniper in search of a belltower.