Category Archives: Religium

Religium

Church Leader Appreciates Timing of Rapture

rapture.jpgBAKERSFIELD, CA–The controversial minister of an evangelical church, who predicts The Rapture will occur this year, says this celestial event “couldn’t have come at a better time.”

“Our world has earned its own destruction by turning its back on our lord and savior,” said Rev. Jebediah Montrose, leader Eternal Life Forever Ministries. “And I also appreciate the Almighty bringing about this destruction when I’ve just begun to realize my own mortality.”

Using a unique interpretation of Biblical prophecy, Rev. Montrose determined that on September 19, 2011, the righteous will ascend to heaven while sinners will remain on Earth. “Which, as it turns out, is the exact point at which my own earthly life would reach its apex, after which my body and mind would begin their steady decline towards death.”

The reverend said he first began to suspect the world would end soon “when I noticed my bald spot had grown to such Leviathan proportions that it required a comb over. Who would want to live in such world. Oh, and the sin. All the sin, too.”

“God has condemned us for our wicked ways,” he said. “The day will come when all sinners will weep and gnash their teeth, knowing their blasphemy has condemned them to eternal damnation. The day will also come when I’ll be doddering around like an old man, unable to control my bodily functions, and praying for the sweet release of death. But thank the Lord He has chosen to end this wicked world before that day comes!”

Montrose said he determined The Rapture would begin on such a specific date “once I figured out how many good years I really have left, and saw there wouldn’t be many. I studied the prophecies of Ezekiel and The Book of Revelation, and calculated that if Armageddon didn’t begin soon, I might not be around to see it. I don’t think God would allow such insanity.”

The reverend’s predictions have spurred widespread condemnation, even among fellow evangelicals. “That this man would proclaim God has ordained a specific time for the end of the world is extremely upsetting,” said Leroy Jenkins, president of Praiseways Baptist Ministries. “Especially since I’d like to think I have a good decade left in me, at least. I believe I have a special relationship with God, earned through service and prayer, and He has assured me that this world shall not end at least until I purchase my first boat.”

Jenkins pointed out that Montrose had previously predicted The Rapture would occur during 1995. “I fully admit my error,” Montrose responded. “My calculations were incorrect and not thoroughly checked. And also, I was going through some stuff at the time, and I thought ascending into heaven would’ve really taken care of a few things.”

“God does not bow to our earthly dictates. He shall act in the hour and the manner of his choosing. But I am truly grateful He has chosen to act at the most convenient possible time for me.”

Politics Schmolitics, Religium

Media Turns Its Attention to Other Tiny Bands of Kookadooks

On Wednesday, the collective American media pledged to cover a more diverse selection of incredibly small groups of maniacs. The move came after several weeks of unblinking coverage of Rev. Terry Jones of the Dove World Outreach Church in Gainesville, Florida and their plans to burn the Koran, despite the church’s miniscule membership.

“It’s a basic matter of fairness,” said New York Times publisher Arthur Sulzberger. “We’ve spent a ton of time reporting on a church with a congregation of 50 people, who not only want to burn the Koran but think their Christian god is telling them to do it. So we have to give equal time to comparably sized, comparably insane religious sects. We’ve already sent two reporters to Des Moines, where there’s a tiny cult that worships Jim Backus.”

Shortly after the Times‘ announcement, other news organizations followed suit. USA Today is planning a three-part series on a temple in Galveston, Texas dedicated to the monster truck Bigfoot, while MSNBC has prepared an hour-long special about a church in Bakersfield, California that believes Jesus Christ was made of fudge.

“When compared to the total US population, 50 people is an infinitesimally small, statistically insignificant number,” said CNN’s Wolf Blitzer. “That’s only slightly less than the number of people who believe Jamie Fahr is the antichrist. Which is why I’ll be interviewing some of those people this week.”

FOX News did not join the public pledge, in part because it has already been devoting a large amount of its airtime catering to a small, deranged audience that believes President Obama is a Muslim.