Category Archives: Politics Schmolitics

Politics Schmolitics

The People Have Grunted

boehner.jpgWASHINGTON–Midterm elections have gone overwhelmingly in favor of Republicans, giving them control of the House of Representatives and narrowing the Democratic majority in the Senate, thanks in large part to the growing influence of the Tea Party movement. Representative John Boehner, the presumed Speaker of the House for the next Congress, declared, “This election has sent an unmistakable message from the American people. And that message is, ANGRY!”

“We have heard your cries,” Boehner said, “your unfocused, rage-filled, blood-curdling cries. And in response to those cries, we say BLARGH! And we shall not stop saying BLARGH until the White House hears us!”

Rand Paul, newly elected senator from Kentucky, said he was motivated by the people he met along the campaign trail. “I heard many folks in my travels. From the man who said GAH! to the woman who said something that sounded like FERNBLOO!, to a number of other things I couldn’t quite make out because the people saying them were frothing out the mouth. Those words sustained me during this long campaign, although I think many of them do not technically qualify as words.”

The mood was reflected in ballot initiatives as well. In California, Proposition 13–also known as the GET OUT OF MY WAY! law–passed easily, while Michigan voted yes on HEY BUDDY, YOU LOOKIN TO FIGHT?!

With each Republican victory, Tea Party headquarters across the nation rejoiced with loud wall-punching and feces flinging. Ted Burlap, regional Tea Party director in Topeka, Kansas, reflected on his movement’s sudden success. “You have to understand, people are fed up with… ARGH!… DAMMIT!… SKRULB!… THERE’S A BLACK GUY IN THERE!”

President Obama said he looks forward to working with the newly elected Congressmen who have sworn to destroy him.

Politics Schmolitics

Tim Profitt: Someone Should Put a Stop to Me!

timprofitt.jpgI apologize for stepping on a MoveOn.og volunteer’s head at the recent Senate debate in Kentucky. I stepped over the line, repeatedly, and also thought that line was printed on a woman’s face. I would like to add, though, that as a Rand Paul supporter, I am a firm believer in the free market, and sometimes the free market wants things we might not like–for instance, caving in your skull with a boot.

Most importantly, I think the police should have done a better job of controlling the crowd. I really whipped the crowd into a blood-thirsty frenzy with my love of Rand Paul and hatred of our so-called president. The people outside the debate were ready to do anything, and I mean anything. You should have seen the look in my eyes–it was almost demonic! Somebody really should have stopped a maniac like me!

It’s the police department’s job to contain dangerous, unhinged people like myself, and I think they really dropped the ball on this one. I could have killed someone! I’m calling for an investigation into their negligence, and their inability to recognize the fact that I clearly should be placed behind bars, if not some sort of institution.

I also think the Rand Paul campaign has to take some of the blame here. Clearly I’m not the sort of person a political campaign should have as a representative. How could they not tell I’m a danger to myself and others, simply by looking into my dead-eyed stare and twitching beetle brow? I almost appear as if I haven’t fully evolved, really. Paul really should have thought more carefully before associating with lowlifes such as myself. If anything, he should have alerted local authorities to my presence, so that I could be caged and studied.

And don’t think this MoveOn.org person is blameless, either. Obviously, I am a sick, dangerous person, and getting anywhere near me is like jumping into a lion’s den of Crazy. My disturbed, rage-addled brain can’t distinguish between genuine threats and ordinary visual stimuli. Anything that enters my field of vision is a potential target for my unfocused, ape-like fury. Frankly, I think she should apologize for placing not just herself in harms way, but anyone else in her vicinity, who might have become collateral damage from my bull-in-a-china-shop impulses.

The fact that I am allowed to roam the streets freely just sickens me. That’s why we need to elect responsible lawmakers like Rand Paul, who will keep our towns safe for guys like me from guys like me.

Politics Schmolitics

Promoting Political Involvement through Cheese

On a daily basis, my email inbox is polluted by messages whose presence baffles me. For instance, I receive an email from CMJ every single day. That is not hyperbole–every single day. Not only have I never purchased a copy of CMJ, but I’ve never attended any show as part of the CMJ Fest, or even put the letters C, M, and J together until today. I haven’t the slightest idea how I wound up on their mailing list, but I am definitely on it, because not a day goes by that I don’t get some missive about how I only have three days/two weeks/four hours to register for some event of theirs. I don’t bother to write back and say REMOVE because by this point, I find it more amusing than annoying.

Similarly, I get at least one email a day from a Democratic politician or pundit. The origin of this is less mysterious: I went to some Kerry meet-ups way back in the heady days of 2004 and made the mistake of giving my email address at one of them. So for the rest of my life, I will check my email first thing in the morning and see at least one message from James Carville or J.B. Poersch.

They’re the kind of emails you can see in your inbox from across the room, because the subject line is usually in all caps and consists of one angry word like OUTRAGE! Normally, they go straight in the trash unread. After years of receiving these screeds, I suffer from Outrage Fatigue. I contribute enough time and money to Important Things that I don’t feel bad ignoring these appeals.

Then yesterday, I received an email from Chuck Schumer, New York’s senior senator. He is a frequent OUTRAGE!er, and his emails usually wind up in my recycle bin. But the subject line of this one caught my eye.

cheddarbomb.pngKudos to you, Senator Schumer. An email with the subject CHEDDARBOMB is an email I will read.*

You see that, political fundraisers? Put a food and a percussive verb together that normally have zero relationship with one another, and you’ve hooked me. Here are some humble suggestions for future subject lines:

  • PUDDINGSLAM!
  • SALMONCRUSH!
  • SANDWICHBRUISE!
  • CUTLETSTOMP!
  • ZITIPUNCH!

* In case you’re curious, the email was Chuck trying to stir up donations for Senator Feingold of Wisconsin. Normally this is called a moneybomb, but Wisconsin? Get it?