Category Archives: Politics Schmolitics

Baseball, Politics Schmolitics

Chipper and Jesse’s Conspiracy Theory

WELCOME TO CONSPIRACY THEORY WITH JESSE VENTURA. I AM YOUR HOST WHICH MEANS MY NAME IS JESSE VENTURA. THE GOVERNMENT HAS SPARED NO EXPENSE TO KEEP THE TRUTH FROM EVER COMING OUT ABOUT ITS DEEPEST, DARKEST SECRETS, SO THE ONLY WAY I CAN EXPOSE THEM IS ON THIS BASIC CABLE PROGRAM. MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A FAMOUS BASEBALL PLAYER. BASEBALL IS A FINE AMERICAN SPORT, AND THIS MAN IS GOING TO ENGAGE IN ANOTHER FINE AMERICAN SPORT TONIGHT: CONSPIRACY THEORIES! PLEASE WELCOME CHIPPER JONES.

Thanks for having me, Jesse.

CHIPPER WHAT IS YOUR CONSPIRACY THEORY IN A NUTSHELL BY WHICH I AM NOT SAYING YOU’RE A ‘NUT’ BECAUSE I BELIEVE YOU ARE A FINE AMERICAN WHOSE BRAIN WORKS JUST FINE.

I believe that JFK was assassinated by a conspiracy launched at the highest levels of the American government.

OF COURSE YOU DO. ALL RIGHT-THINKING AMERICAN CITIZENS REALIZED THAT YEARS AGO. WHAT LED YOU TO THIS CONCLUSION?

Well, I’ve been a hunter my whole life and I can’t imagine how one person could’ve gotten off three rifle shots in such a short period of time.

I COULD BECAUSE I AM TRAINED IN ALL THE KNOWN DEADLY ARTS PLUS A FEW OF THE ONES KNOWN ONLY TO ALIENS AND THE ISRAELI ARMY, BUT YOU ARE CORRECT. NO MERE MORTAL COULD DO SUCH A THING.

I once shared my thoughts with John Smoltz. He told me that he was contacted by a mysterious Mr. X in Washington. They met up on a park bench within sight of the White House and Mr. X laid out the whole details of the conspiracy for him. He said it was chilling, and that Mr. X vaguely reminded him of the hero from Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

THAT SOUNDS SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE A PLOTLINE FROM THE FILM “JFK” BUT I DO NOT CARE.

I also heard that Steve Avery knew too much about the whole thing. That’s why the government had to blow up his left arm.

STEVE AVERY, ANOTHER PATRIOT GONE TOO SOON. HOW WILL YOU CONTINUE TO EXPOSE THIS SHAMOCKERY PERPETRATED ON THE AMERICAN PEOPLE?

I dunno, figure I’ll just play for a month and get another horrible injury or something.

CHIPPER, I HAVE TO SAY GOOD NIGHT NOW BECAUSE I JUST REMEMBERED I HAD A CATASTROPHIC ANEURYSM BACK IN 2005. STAY STRONG, TRUE AMERICANS!

Politics Schmolitics

Scott Walker Moves Democracy Out of State

MADISON, WI–Governor Scott Walker made an unexpected move on Wednesday night, ending a legislative stalemate by relocating the state’s democracy out of the capitol.

“We have tried to work with Democrats to come to a satisfactory resolution to this financial crisis,” Walker told reporters. “But as the governor of this state, I’m charged with making tough decisions, and I believe that Wisconsin can no longer support a democracy franchise.”

Mayflower trucks pulled up to the state capitol building at 10pm local time to complete the move. The Dairy State’s principal symbols of democracy were packed in bubble wrap and loaded into the vehicles shortly thereafter, including the public university system, the bicameral state legislature, and the legacies of Robert LaFollette and Russ Feingold.

“I think the democracy franchise deserves a chance to thrive in a state that can give it the support and attention it deserves,” Walker said as the trucks drove off into the night. “But I know Wisconsans will be well served by the feudalism franchise that will be relocating here from the Middle Ages.”

Walker assured citizens they would be informed shortly about the names of their local vassals and the proper manner to pledge fealty thereto.

Politics Schmolitics

Future Guests of the Ohio Legislature

  • Two fetuses, testifying via ultrasound in favor of an anti-abortion bill
  • Two ultrasound machines, testifying that the weird gel you have rub on their sensors is really gross
  • A chimera, testifying via Skype, on the subject of tort reform
  • A leprechaun, a unicorn, and a chupacabra, each seeking tribal recognition for their respective imaginary nations in order to build casinos
  • The pheasant plucker, and pheasant plucker’s son, pleading no contest to charges of nepotism
  • Two squirrels and a ghost, for obvious reasons
  • RoboCop, seeking safe haven for his statue
  • A Man from Nantucket, protesting the awful rumors that have been spread about him
  • The concept of human flight, declaring itself an abomination in the eyes of God
  • Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, reading into the record some of his Twilight fanfic