Category Archives: Politics Schmolitics

Politics Schmolitics

Joe Biden Lends the President Some Gaffe Tips

biden.jpgSo you gaffed. Big deal. I do it all the time! I gaffe more before breakfast than most people do all day.

Here’s what you do. I call it the “aw shucks” defense. You just say stuff like, “aw jeez, I’m sorry!” like you’re a big dumb galoot who can’t even control what comes out of his mouth. Works for me all the time! It makes you sympathetic. By the time I’ve done, I got the president of Bolivia apologizing to me, even though I just called his country a hellish sinkhole.

Then again, I guess you have a reputation as a smart man and a skilled orator. I’ve never had that problem. So maybe that strategy won’t work for you.

It was a good idea to gaffe on a Thursday night, though. That way, they roast you on Friday, but the weekend’s about to start. By the time Monday comes all the news outlets are on to the next thing.

Me, I try to save my really big gaffes for Friday afternoons. The newspapers are already knocking off for the day by then. I spit out something really stupid around 3:30, then I can spend Saturday on the links, free of worry.

Also, March Madness–excellent time to gaffe. Nobody’s watching CNN or Fox News right now. Not while they’re keeping track of their brackets. I also find Super Bowl week is a good gaffing time, as is pretty much any day from late June through Labor Day.

Would it help if I made an even bigger gaffe to take the heat off you? I got a speech scheduled for a Mothers Against Drunk Driving event later today. How bout I make some real dumb old-timey Foster Brooks-type jokes about tippling? Or if I accidentally ask a mom to bring her kid on stage, even though I know her son was killed by a drunk driver?

No matter what you do, make sure you apologize. Better late than never, I say. And if you do wait a few days to apologize, you can just say you were doing it on Colored People’s Time.

Oh jeez, I can’t believe I said that! Oh man! I am so sorry!

See? Learn from the master, kid.

Politics Schmolitics

Joe the Plumber’s Slap-a-Rep

jtp.jpgJoe the Plumber’s Slap-a-Rep, Joe the Plumber speaking. How may I help you?

Dianne Feinstein? Okay. What’s your reason for wanting to slap her?

She bad mouthed the troops? Could you cite a specific example of her doing that?

Nah, I’m just pulling your chain. That sounds like something she’d do. Your word is good enough for me.

Would you like to request a certain type of slap? We offer Victorian duel, pimp, naughty child, and my patented slap, the Ass-Reddener.

Okay, I’ll put you down for Victrorian duel. A very popular choice. Any other Congressmen you’d like me to slap?

Ted Kennedy? He’s recovering from a stroke, from what I understand. So I’m afraid I’ll need a note from his doctor that indicates a clean bill of health before I can slap him. Sorry, but we have to cover our bases. Insurance and all that. I’m sure you’ll understand.

Harry Reid? No problem. Shall I put you down for another Victorian duel, or would like to upgrade to a double-slap? For ten extra bucks, you get two slap styles of your choice.

You want me to shoot Harry Reid? No, we don’t do that here at Slap-a-Rep. We only slap.

Yes, I know I mentioned shooting lawmakers in my press conference. However, I was only speaking about historical precedent. You know, back in the old days, when citizens were allowed to shoot politicians.

Sure, it used to happen all the time. Totally legal. In fact, the government used to encourage citizens to shoot guys you didn’t like. My great-great-great-grandfather shot Grover Cleveland twice. Yeah, once for each non-consecutive term.

Listen, I’d love to shoot Harry Reid, believe me. But you know how these government regulations are. I shoot somebody and you the next thing you know, I lose my slapping license.

Well, no, I don’t actually have a slapping license. But hey, I don’t want John Law knocking on my door, know what I’m saying?

Okay, thank you for using Joe the Plumber’s Slap-a-Rep.

Politics Schmolitics

Rhymes with “Swindle”

jindal.jpgHello citizens of Louisiana! Hope you’re havin fun this Mardi Gras! Or at the very least not interfering with tourists having a good time, which is now against the law.

Governor Bobby Jindal here. I’m here to assure you that you don’t need to worry anymore. I won’t accept that nasty stimulus package money! That nasty, stinky, smelly stimulus money from Washington! Or as I like to call it, Sin Town!

I call it that because I can’t think of something insulting that rhymes with Washington! It’s so evil it doesn’t rhyme with anything!

Truth be told, I’m not going to reject all of the stimulus package. I mean, a man’s gotta eat! But never fear, I will reject the sickest, vilest part of the package–unemployment insurance.

Maybe you don’t understand unemployment insurance. Well, let me tell you, it’s just about the worst thing to ever happen to this country, right after the designated hitter and Will & Grace. F’rinstance, did you know that in order to collect unemployment, you have to be unemployed?

See? That’s how they trap ya! You quit your job so you can get some of that sweet unemployment dough. Next thing you know, you’re on welfare, too. And eating government cheese–which, as we all know, contains a secret narcotic agent that makes you desire premarital sex, believe in evolution, and smoke crack.

How can you get by in these tough times without government money? Do what your grandparents did–pull yourself up by your leather bootstraps! And then boil those leather bootstraps, which should make them semi-edible.

Barring that, why not learn from some of our brothers in the Bayou. Expand your palate! Ever had alligator? Possum? Skunk? Hey, there’s no better time to try it than now!

And why grab some easy federal money when you can try for some easy state money? Yes, the Louisiana State Lottery! Pick 3, Pick 4, Easy 5, and scratchoffs, scratchoffs, scratchoffs! Someone’s gotta win–why not you? Other than the astronomical odds against it, of course.

Remember what Reagan taught us, folks–government is the problem, not the solution. And I’m going to spend the rest of my career in public office proving him right!