Category Archives: Politics Schmolitics

Politics Schmolitics

Giuliani Knows You’re Cool With That, Right?

giuliani.jpgHey, thanks for lettin me crash at your place, guys. I’m goin through a really rough patch with my old lady and you saved my bacon. You guys really did me a solid, and I won’t forget it, man.

And no worries about the whole ‘bein gay’ thing. You do your thing, I do my thing, we’ll all be cool, okay? Live and let live, that is my mot-to.

‘Course, in a coupla years, I’m gonna be runnin for higher office. Maybe senator, maybe governor–who knows, maybe even La Casa Blanca, know what I’m sayin, bro?

Point is, I’m a Republican and all, so I gotta play the game. You know how it is. Hey, look I’m talkin to–you guys probably gotta pretend to be all not-gay just to keep your jobs!

Anywhoozle, I’m just lettin ya know I gotta say some shit that might rub ya the wrong way. Not for real, of course–just stuff that’ll play in the sticks, you know? Like, I gotta say I “hate” gay marriage and that hetero marriage is a “sacred institution”.

Man, I gotta practice sayin that–I can barely get the words out without crackin up! I mean, I been married three times already and cheated on my last old lady. And I wasn’t discrete about it either. I kinda did it really, really publicly. All the time.

Oh, and I used city money to go visit my girlfriend while I was still married. Hey, nobody’s perfect, bro.

But don’t worry, it’s just gonna be shit I say to climb the ladder, know what I’m sayin? Once I’m in office…well, then I probably gotta pass some laws against gay marriage it because I’ll totally be indebted to the guys who got me elected on that platform.

Don’t you worry, though–that civil union thing, totally safe. No one’s touchin that on my watch! Unless they pressure me to repeal that, too. Then all bets are off, know what I’m sayin?

But hey, just wanna letcha know, even if I strip away all your rights and keep you from being with the one you love, just know this: I don’t really mean it.

So we’re still cool, right?

Seriously? We’re still cool? Awesome. I knew I could count on you guys.

You guys got matches? I’m gotta use the little boys’ room and I plan on cuttin mud for 25 minutes minimum.

Politics Schmolitics

John Boehner Defends His Art

boehner.jpgI’m sick of all this criticism of the charts and graphs in the Republican budget plan. I thought the liberal media would be able to recognize the aesthetic reality we were going for. But obviously, I have to explain myself to you philistines.

Unlike the President, Republicans have no interest in the showy maximalism of Shepherd Fairey. The pop culture references, the retro-Soviet imagery, the cold, angular typefaces–ugh, it makes me cringe!

Have you read the President’s budget? It’s incomprehensible! What font did he use for this thing? I wouldn’t be surprised to see overlapping type in here, like some horrible early 90s music rag. I thought we were all over David Carson, but I guess some of us aren’t!

No, Republicans harken back to the sleek minimalism of Milton Glaser. Like “I Heart NY”, one of the most successful ad campaigns of all time. That art was such a perfect synthesis of simplicity and complication, it almost quelled the burning hatred I have for New York and all its out-of-touch liberal elites. And its hopelessly navel-gazing art world.

Is our art simple? I would ask, Is a line simple? It depends on where the line comes from, and where it leads to. A line means nothing, but a line means everything. I would think you would all know that by now.

I shouldn’t have to explain the Republican budget plan to you people. It should stand on its own, and if you had even the most rudimentary grounding in art and graphic design, you would know that!

God, I haven’t been this mad since I went to the last Matthew Barney exhibit!

Politics Schmolitics

Good Luck, Chuck

chucktodd.jpgMr. President, Chuck Todd, NBC News. Some have compared this financial crisis to a war, and in times of war, past presidents have called for some form of sacrifice. Why, given this new era of responsibility that you’re asking for, why
haven’t you asked for something specific that the public should be
sacrificing to participate in this economic recovery?
obama.jpgChuck, I think Americans are sacrificing a lot right now, doing a lot of belt tightening to get through this rough patch…
chucktodd.jpgNo, that’s simply not good enough. I think you should demand that the American people sacrifice something very specific.
obama.jpgI don’t really understand what you’re getting at.

chucktodd.jpgI want you to ask Americans to stop eating hot dogs.

obama.jpgWhy?

chucktodd.jpgI think they’re gross.

obama.jpgI won’t ask Americans to forego hot dogs just because you don’t like them, Chuck.

chucktodd.jpgWhat about kielbasa? Certainly Americans should quit their wanton consumption of kielbasa in such a financial environment.

obama.jpgI don’t think a reduction of kielbasa purchases will help our economy one bit

chucktodd.jpgWhat about those weird mini-pepperoni things? You know, like you see next to the cash register at all-night delis? Yeesh, those things creep me out, glistening in their plastic tubes under the fluorescent light. Ick!

obama.jpgWhat do those things cost, like, a buck? That’s not gonna break anyone’s budget.

chucktodd.jpgIs there any type of sausage product you’d like Americans to give up for the duration of this economic crisis?

obama.jpgThat kind of decision should be made by each individual family. It’s not the president’s job to tell the American people what processed foods they can and can’t eat.

chucktodd.jpgBaloney!

obama.jpgExcuse me? Do you think you know more about the executive branch than I do?!

chucktodd.jpgNo, I mean baloney! We can get rid of that, right?

obama.jpgChuck, if you have issues with luncheon meat, work those out on your own time. Other people at this press conference have questions.

chucktodd.jpgSure, I understand..oh wait, this just in! The National Science-y Institute says the nation’s supply of Slim Jims is contaminated with Melting Brain Disease! Guess you’ll have to ban those, huh?

obama.jpgNo, I’m banning you from presidential press conferences. For three years.

chucktodd.jpgDo you know who you’re talking to? I did those stupid electoral maps all night on MSNBC on Election Day! I MADE YOU, BARRY!