Category Archives: Politics Schmolitics

Politics Schmolitics

Governor Sanford Has a Lost Weekend

sanford.jpgWhere have I been? Out. I went out.

I was gone for four days? No, I don’t think so. No, I’m pretty sure I was just out for the afternoon.

Today’s Wednesday? Really? Yeah, I guess I was gone for four days. Boy, time flies when you’re…well, you know.

Where did I go? Hiking. Took a little hike. You know how I love to hike, honey. Can’t get enough of that hiking.

What’s this? A duty free bag. They got some great stuff in them stores. I got a hundred Kit Kats for, like, five bucks.

Yeah, I was at the airport. Why?

Oh, I see. My staff told you I was on the Appalachian Trail. That’s where the whole misunderstanding comes from. See, they have code phrases they use so no one else can figure out where I am. So when they said I was “hiking on the Appalachian Trail”, what they meant was I was on a very important diplomatic mission to…France. Qatar. Argentina-land.

I meant Argentina! See, sometimes we use “France” and “Qatar” as, um, alternating code words for “Buenos Aires”. See, I’m getting myself all mixed up now!

I know I said I was hiking. That was because of the hiking code word, so I got that all mixed up with…you know, I’m so confused from the trip and the jet lag and the secret code words and whatnot, I think I’m gonna turn in early tonight…

What was I doing in Buenos Aires? Oooh, that’s a good question. It was a diplomatic mission, honey. You know how those are. Just trying to get the Argentinians to be more, um, diplomatic. Can’t say too much about it, though. Pretty hush hush, you see.

Why was I on a diplomatic mission for the current president, who I don’t like very much? Boy, that’s another good question. You are just full of them today! Well, honey, some things are bigger than partisan politics. And I would love to tell what those things are, I really would! But I am just so bushed from my flight, I think I’ll just go hit the hay right now! *yawn*

Why was this trip such a big secret? It wasn’t a secret, honey! Sure, I left for several days and didn’t tell you or anyone else where I was going, but that doesn’t make it a secret!

Okay, fine, that does make it a secret. Technically. We’re not gonna argue semantics, are we? Because I could do the same thing back to you! What does the word “secret” mean, huh? Think about it!

Jeez! Can’t the executive of a state of the union go completely off the grid for a long weekend to commit certain unnamed deeds without it being a huge deal?

Tell you what. Why don’t you fix me a scotch and we’ll go watch Jon and Kate Plus 8 on Tivo. Sound like a plan? Great.

Oh, and honey? If you ever tell the press you don’t know where I am again, you’re gonna wind up with a pair of cement shoes. Got it?

Good. Thanks, sweetie! Still waiting on that scotch!

Politics Schmolitics

Joe Biden’s Swine Flu Tips

biden.jpgHello, Americans, it’s your veep. After my ground-breaking announcement on swine flu last week, President Obama decided he wanted me right in the thick of the fight against pandemics. That’s why I’m here in North Dakota, counting buffalo herds.

Actually, now that I say those words out loud, it doesn’t make too much sense. Shouldn’t I be in some Mexican bordertown? Or maybe in Arkansas inspecting pigs, instead of buffalo? This assignment seemed a lot less ridiculous when Barry told me about it a couple of days ago. If nothing else, I could be back in Washington, giving the president some more of my valuable advice.

Anyways, now that I finally found a spot where my Blackberry works, I wanna give the people my take on this whole swine flu thing. Because there’s a lot of misinformation going around, and if there’s one thing I know, it’s how to calm down hysterical masses.

First off, you cannot get swine flu from eating bacon. That’s just preposterous. Unless the bacon was prepared by someone who had swine flu. Then it’s a distinct possibility. Especially if the guy cut his finger while slicing it up. In that case, swine flu is the least of your problems, believe me!

Of course, FDA regulations would require such meat to be discarded, so it’s not likely that bacon would ever make it to market. Unless it came from some slipshod operation whose owner bribed local authorities to look the other way. Then yeah, that could totally happen.

I know what you’re thinking: How many meat processing plants are actually like that, really? I mean, this is America, right? The answer is, hundreds. Maybe thousands. You don’t even want to know.

I’ve seen some people wearing surgical masks in the street, and I want to assure you that these are completely unnecessary. Do you know how tiny a flu virus is? You might as well try to catch a bumblebee with a fishnet. If that little germ wants to get in your mouth, a mess of cloth and a rubber band ain’t gonna stop it, believe me. No point in catching a debilitating illness and looking ridiculous at the same time.

The important thing is, if you suspect you have swine flu–even the slightest bit, based on the slimmest piece of evidence–get yourself to a hospital ER immediately. Just get in the car and floor it. Do not obey any traffic signs. Run red lights. If you come to a police barricade, plow right through it.

Once you get to the ER, if you can’t see a doctor right away, just scream a lot. That should speed you towards the front of the line.

I want to assure the American people that we will get through this. Our best scientists are working around the clock on a flu vaccine, and once they find it, we’ll all be out of the woods.

That is, until the flu virus evolves an immunity to this vaccine and comes back stronger and deadlier six months from now. Which will totally happen. Because a virus’ life cycle is so tiny that they can go through a million generations in just a few short months. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if those little bastards were making crude hand-tools and wielding fire in a few years. Then we’re all in some serious trouble!

But at least six months gives us all enough time to accept our fates and make our peace with our respective gods.

Politics Schmolitics

Barack O-BOO-ma Is FRIGHTFULLY Sorry for this TERRIFYING Oversight

obama2.JPGI apologize for yesterday’s Air Force One flyover in lower Manhattan. I should have realized this would frighten people still emotionally scarred from 9/11. We should not have done it, or at the very least let people know what was happening so they wouldn’t be so terrified when a huge plane flew dangerously low to the city’s skyline. So again, I apologize.

In the wake of this event, I’ve decided to change the details of my upcoming tour of the new federal building in Oklahoma City. To celebrate the memory of all the brave citizens who lost their lives there, I thought I might arrive dressed in army fatigues and waving around a copy of The Turner Diaries. But now this seems kind of insensitive, more like the exact opposite of what I’d want to do in that city.

So the whole army fatigue/paranoid, racist literature thing is right out, I promise.

I’ve also canceled the music act for my next appearance in New Orleans. Suddenly, Katrina and the Waves doesn’t seem like the wisest band choice. I apologize to those of you who looked forward to hearing “Walking on Sunshine.”

I will still campaign door-to-door for Democratic candidates this year. However, I will probably not do so after midnight while wielding a rusty chainsaw and wearing a hockey mask.

In conclusion, I’d like to promise the American people that I will never OH MY GOD, THERE’S A GUY WITH AN AXE RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!