Think President Obama is a Muslim- Don’t believe in the letter Q
- Suspect the U.S. Army faked the landing at Normandy
- Fear eating grapes can “turn ya queer”
- Pray to Jesus nightly to give them their own hoverboard
- Want Justin Bieber to be appointed Dictator for Life
- Ask their minister, every Sunday, if a fish can become born again
- Refuse to recognize the month of October
- Wish there were more items with badly drawn Calvins peeing on things they don’t like
- Actively fantasize about Herman Munster
- Participated in a protest against the author of Bloom County, for reasons they can’t remember
- Think it would be cool to be Swamp Thing for like, a day
- Have at least thought about punching a duck
- Once shoveled pudding in their mouths with a fork and felt really weird about it
- Can’t decide if David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest is an
ambitious but flawed attempt at constructing a sweeping nigh-Proustian
epic or a titanic achievement of modern literature that shall be
studied for centuries to come - Have eaten more than one battery
Category Archives: Politics Schmolitics
Joe Barton’s Endless Love
First of all, Mr. Heyward, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for gracing us with your presence here in Congress today. I realize your schedule would be busy under normal circumstances, being the CEO of a huge, awesome oil company and all. But I can’t imagine what it must be like for you now as the media relentlessly hammers you day in and day out. So again, thank you so much for taking the time to answer our piddling little questions today.
Second, I want to apologize for the president’s actions. He has absolutely no right to demand that you clean up this mess. After all the fine, thankless work you do day in and day out, you do not deserve to be bullied by someone who was only technically elected leader of the free world.
Believe me, Mr. Hayward, if it was up to me, it would be the American people who would repay BP. After all, American waters destroyed your gorgeous oil rig. And American seagulls and cranes are now polluting your precious crude with their dirty feathers. If I had my way, all these large bodies of water and sea creatures would be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
Mr. Hayward, I sit here in utter admiration of you. You carry a burden none of us can possibly understand. Not since Job has a man endured such unwarranted persecution. You are a tower of strength, a shining beacon, and a wondrous example of what the human spirit can withstand. I can honestly say I’ve never met any man who could measure up to you, and I doubt I ever will.
Mr. Hayward, I want to kiss you. Gentle pecks at first, then deep, probing kisses that seem to last forever. I’ve never felt this way before, about anyone, and I am not afraid. The heart wants what it wants, and it is no liar.
Mr. Hayward, I want you to know that you can have your way with me, in the manner of your choosing. Whatever you ask for, it shall be yours. I am your slave. If you wanted to urinate directly into my mouth, I would gladly open it to receive your pee. If you wanted to defecate onto my chest, I’d remove my shirt immediately.
I would do all of this and more. I want you to understand that. That’s how strong my love is.
I know that my fellow Republicans will pressure me to retract my apology, and I will do so because I’ve always been a good soldier. That is my earthly duty. But my heavenly duty is to love you.
Mr. Hayward, I see you rising to leave. I beg of you, do not despair. You must endure, for all of us. STAY ALIVE! NO MATTER WHAT OCCURS, I WILL FIND YOU!
Richard Blumenthal’s Debilitating Condition
I sincerely apologize for any misunderstanding my remarks may have caused. I know I said I served valiantly in Vietnam, when in fact I obtained several deferments and never saw combat. However, when I said those words, I sincerely believed them. Because I suffer from Fictional Character Empathy Syndrome. Whenever I consume some piece of compelling entertainment, be it a movie or a TV show or even a video game, I become so consumed by it that I think I’ve actually lived through it.
Right before I made those remarks, I’d just watched Platoon, which is one of my favorite movies. That explains why I’d make such a blatantly false statement in my speech. It also explains why I dropped to my knees with my fists clenched toward the heavens as Barber’s Adagio for Strings blared out of the PA system.
I’d also like to apologize to anyone who witnessed the speech I gave at an Elks Lodge in Derby last April. The previous weekend, I watched all of Mad Men season 2 on DVD, which explains why I was chain smoking and trying to violently finger each member of the local city council.
I want to thank my wife for sticking with me through this difficult time, just as she did when I saw Casino and tried to crush her head in a vice. I love you because you choose to see the best in me, even though you can not literally see anymore since I popped your eyeballs.
I also want to thank all of the actual veterans gathered on the stage behind me, who have supported me and understand this affliction better than anyone. You are true American heroes. Please stand up so that we all can thank you: Private Ryan, Sgt. Slaughter, Nick Fury, the General Lee, and of course, Master Chief.