Category Archives: NYC

NYC

This Child MUST Make It to Day Camp, Come Hell or High Water!

This morning, at the corner of Flushing and Throop, I saw a dad pushing a stroller. The dad wore an aggressive-looking uniform with a shield-shaped badge on the shoulder that says SECURITY. Which could mean anything, of course. He could be on his way to guard a bank or a Chik-Fil-A. But he had the swagger of a man who is dangerous for a living. Shaved head, buff arms. Guy definitely looked intimidating.

But he was pushing a stroller. A very large stroller, with a very cute little girl in it. He was pushing it with one hand, which is not easy to do with those gigundo strollers. And from the look of his belt, he was pushing it with one hand so he could more easily reach the gun holstered at his hip, if need be.

All of this led me to believe that this was his job: protecting this toddler AT ALL COSTS. Like she had accidentally swallowed the key to the nuclear football, or she was born with a birthmark that spelled out the secret formula for time travel. Whatever the reason, this child needed to get where she was going, and FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION.

Which is as good an excuse as any to embed this Paul F. Tompkins video.

Jokes.com
Paul F. Tompkins – New Dads
comedians.comedycentral.com
Joke of the Day Stand-Up Comedy Free Online Games
NYC

Government Just Doesn’t Work. Except When It Does

abcnorio.jpgLiving in NYC, I’m never at a loss to find something to complain about, as far as local government is concerned. Oh man, the government. Don’t get me started about the government! I believe Mayor Bloomberg got most of his philosophies by watching Brazil and studying how to make citizens pay for their own punishment.

But occasionally, the city gubment can do good things. Like this past week, when they awarded a $1.65 million grant to punk landmark/Lower East Side community center ABC No Rio for construction of a new building.

After technically squatting at 156 Rivington Street for much of its existence, ABC was sold the site for one dollar on the condition they make necessary repairs. Problem was, the building was in need of more than a few repairs, and costs ballooned exponentially the longer it took them to raise the necessary funds. Then, a city architect told them the whole building would have to come down (which, if you’ve ever been inside it, should come as no surprise).

That seemed to be that, but thanks to grants from the Manhattan borough president’s office and the work of city councilman Allen J. Gerson, ABC will be able to build the new facility they need. I didn’t know you could even bribe the necessary city officials for less than $2 million, but apparently the grant will cover the cost of a smaller one-story facility with a basement (as opposed to the four-story tenement that’s housed ABC since 1980).

Having seen many, many shows there (and played in a few), I’m very happy that ABC can continue to exist in a city that seems bent on destroying everything organic and interesting. So kudos to everyone involved for finding a way to keep something vibrant and important alive in Manhattan. I don’t know what horrible, unspeakable deeds you committed to make this happen. I’m just glad that you did them

NYC

The Wheels Have Come Off (Your Mind)

The mini-topic of last night’s Best Show was “the dumbest vanity license plate you’ve ever seen”. I wasn’t listening live, otherwise I would have called in with these two gems:

Gem #1: There’s a nondescript green Ford minivan frequently parked on my block or nearby in the neighborhood. It’s a total Soccer Mom Car, except for the personalized license plate: BACKSTAB.

So either this soccer mom is (A) a former member of The O’Jays, (B) a professional turncoat, or (C) a fucking maniac. Most of the time, when I see weird things in the street, I want to know The Why behind it. In this case, I have no desire to know what chain of events would lead a person to get BACKSTAB as their license plate. There’s no way that story doesn’t end in a depressing and/or horrible manner.

Gem #2: I was driving around Howard Beach, a neighborhood that virtually guarantees to show you something horrible/awesome. Cross Bay Boulevard was all backed up, so I took a left onto Pitkin Avenue. And boy, was I glad I did.

Parked on Pitkin was a Scion with a custom yellow paint job, the kind usually found on super-souped-up muscle cars. Except this was a Scion, a car that, even without a custom paint job, looks like a Cheez-It box with wheels. In yellow, it looked like large chunks of government cheese held together with toothpicks. And across the windsheild, in jagged No Fear-type letters: THE ASSASSINATOR.

I did four takes before I realized, “Wait, that’s not a word!” What’s even more hilarious is that I’m sure the detailing cost him an assload of money. Nine times out of ten, there is a directly proportional relationship between how much money is spent customizing a car and how idiotic it looks.

I pulled over across the street, because I HAD to have a picture of this. But then I considered the neighborhood and thought better of it. I had visions of some mook with a Dragonball-Z haircut jacked up on Red Bull beating me to death with a chain for mocking his car. Even without a photo, it will remain burned in my memory.