Category Archives: Media Morons

Skitch Hanson

Up the Middle with Skitch Hanson: Fall Back to Spring Forward

Today, Scratchbomb takes a break from YouTube-Phoria to welcome back sports columnist Skitch Hanson. You may know him as the author of the highly popular syndicated sports column “Up The Middle,” the six-time winner of the Mike Lupica Award for Most One-Sentence Paragraphs Written In A Year. You may have read his best-selling books “You Don’t Have To Understand Something To Hate It” and “Why Everything Good In The World Happened 30 Years Ago”. He’s also a frequent guest on ESPN’s sportswriters panel show YELLING. Without further ado, here’s Skitch.

Spring Fever is in the air. And it’s not the Spring Fever I caught at a Bennigan’s in Gainesville last March that actually turned out to be Hepatitis A.

No, this Spring Fever is Spring Training, a virulent pandemic causing inflammations of Excitement throughout the nation, bursting pustules of Anticipation, and scratchy red patches of Hope. This Spring is a highly contagious affliction for which there is no cure. And unlike my Spring Fever, this one won’t cause liver failure.

Baseball is more than America’s Pasttime. It’s a metaphor for the changing of the seasons, the ebb and flow of time. We suffer through a hard winter, with snow and sleet and seasonal effective disorder. Then suddenly baseball reemerges to give us a reason to live once again, right when we’re at the end of our collective rope–I mean, when we’re literally
ready to throw a noose over a beam in our collective basement.

Continue reading Up the Middle with Skitch Hanson: Fall Back to Spring Forward →

Baseball, Skitch Hanson

Up the Middle with Skitch Hanson

Lots of stuff has been going on in the sports world lately, and the one-man editor’s board of Scratchbomb can’t cover it all. So we’re delighted to welcome Skitch Hanson to our fold. You may know him as the author of the highly popular syndicated sports column “Up The Middle,” the six-time winner of the AP’s Fence Sitter Award for “Writing Least Likely To Offend Anyone”. You may have read his best-selling books “Your Eight Heavenly Visitors: The Afterlife Made Easy!” and “My Saintly Mentor”. You may have seen him on ESPN’s “SportsCranks,” where he’s often seen debating against his “urban”
counterpoint, b-ball pundit Hoops Washington. Without further ado, here’s Skitch.

It’s Super Bowl Week, and everyone who’s anyone is in Miami. Since I’m somebody, that’s where I find myself now. My employers at the syndicate have put me up at the Jupiter Best Western, a mere 2 hour drive from Dolphins Stadium. Perks abound for media types like myself. For instance, you know what the breakfast buffet in the hotel has? Those tiny little poppy seed and orange muffins. All you can eat.

I love tiny muffins.

But I am not in south Florida for muffins. I am here for Super Bowl XLI. The Colts versus the Bears. These two teams have never faced each other in a championship game. But there’s an even bigger first that will happen for the first time on February 4th.

A first so big it warrants a one-sentence paragraph.

Possibly even a sentence fragment.

This Sunday, for the first time in the history of the NFL, both Super Bowl teams will be coached by Afro-Americans. Those two coaches are Lovie Smith of the Chicago Bears and Tony Dungy of the Indianapolis Colts. And typing out their full names and team names has allowed me to fill precious column inches.

Precious, precious column inches.

Continue reading Up the Middle with Skitch Hanson →

Football, The Funny, The Worldwide Leader

ESPN’s NFC Playoff Preview

berman.jpgCHRIS BERMAN: Welcome to ESPN’s Spook-tacular NFL
Playoffs Preview! Brought to you by Budweiser, Coors Light, Heineken,
Levitra, and Budweiser! I’m your host, The Boomer, Chris “Oz Never Did
Give Nothing To The” Berman. Because the NFL playoffs are so huge, ESPN
is preempting its round-the-clock poker coverage to give football its
due. First off, the NFC. How do you see the senior conference shaping
up, Ron Jaworski “Huh! Good God, Y’all-ski! What Is It Good For-ski”?

jaws.jpgRON JAWORSKI: It’s been a disappointing, mediocre year in the NFC..

berman.jpgCHRIS BERMAN: Absolutely nothin’! Say it again-ski!

jaws.jpg
RON JAWORSKI: Last year’s conference champs, the
Seahawks, just barely staved off the 49ers to take the NFC West. And
I’m pretty sure the 49ers’ offensive line is actually made of popsicle
sticks. No one in the NFCreally scares you. There are compelling
reasons why each of the conference playoff teams couldn’t go all the
way.

ditka.jpgMIKE DITKA: Except for the Bears.

jaws.jpg
RON JAWORSKI: Actually, the Bears have many glaring
question marks, such as Rex Grossman’s horrid passer rating, which can
make babies cry from across a room.

Continue reading ESPN’s NFC Playoff Preview →