Category Archives: Media Morons

Mike and the Mad Dog Fall Down the Memory Hole

December 18, 2007

fran1.jpgSo baseball’s Winter Meetings have concluded, and it looks like the Yankees and the Red Sox are about to get in a bidding war for Johan Santana. And of course, we all know that this will end with #57 in pinstripes, taking his place among the pantheon of
great Yankee hurlers: Whitey Ford, Catfish Hunter, Carl Pavano…

maddog1.jpgMikey, tell you what, Hank Steinbrenner is playing this perfectly. When you’re negotiating with another GM, the best thing to do is change your mind over and over again, and talk about it publicly all the time. There’s absolutely no way that could backfire and make you look like a spoiled three-year-old.

fran1.jpg And the Mets *snicker* say that they’re making a play for Santana, but we all know they don’t have the horses to pull this off. I mean, the Yankees are offering Melky Cabrera, for crying out loud. What Mets prospect could possibly compare to Melky Cabrera?

maddog1.jpgYou’re a thousand percent right, Mikey. The Mets are NOT in the mix here. The only way I see them landing Santana is if the front offices of the Yanks and Sox are destroyed by two separate meteors striking the Earth simultaneously.
fran1.jpg Listen, I’ve been talking with Omar Minaya. I talk with important people all the time. And he told me that the Twins are asking for David Wright, Jose Reyes, and Carlos Beltran’s first born son. And even if he agreed to that deal, there’s still NO WAY that package compares to the Yankees’ offer of Ian Kennedy and some guy in the minors whose name escapes me.

January 15, 2008

fran1.jpgIt’s been pretty quiet in the Hot Stove League, but there’s some rumblings that the Santana sweepstakes could be ending very soon. There’s reports that the Mets have become the favorites to land the lefty, which frankly, I do not believe. I have a LOT of
contacts in the industry, and everyone tells me that the Twins piss on the Mets’ prospects. Literally. I heard Bill Smith sent a jar of his
urine to the New Orleans Zephyrs.

maddog1.jpgMikey, the Mets are NOT gonna spend the kind of money it’ll take to sign Johan Santana. We all know Fred Wilpon passed on Vladimir Guerrero, he passed on A-Rod, I’ve heard he wears socks two days in a row so he won’t have to go to the laundromat. Mark it down: they will sign Livan Hernandez and finish in third place.

fran1.jpgSantana will be a Yankee, make no mistake. I see him now, starting game 7 of the World Series, taking the hill in front of Rudy Giuliani, Billy Crystal, Regis Philbin, Donald Trump, Lebron James, Kevin Federline…

maddog1.jpgThings are looking bad for the Mets next year. I don’t see any way they beat out the Phurlies.

fran1.jpgThe what?

maddog1.jpgThe Phurlies. The Phurladerphio Phurlies.

fran1.jpgThe Phillies . Jeez, how did you ever get a job talking for a living?

maddog1.jpgMikey, I’ve had to do some evil things to get ahead. Black, unspeakable things. But hey, after these commercials, I
yell at an engineer!

January 29, 2008

fran1.jpgSo now we’re hearing that the Mets have landed Santana, which is something I’ve been saying would happen for weeks now. Naturally, Santana wants to be a Yankee, but the Yanks won’t give up their very special prospects. This is a good move by Brian Cashman, showing financial restraint. This is the NEW Yankees, the GROW FROM WITHIN Yankees. If there’s anything Yankees fans want to see, it’s guys just up from triple-A face Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz.

maddog1.jpg Excellent point, Mikey. And I tell you one thing: this is only for the money. There is NO WAY Santana wanted to be a Met. I’m sure someone told him Queens is the same thing as the Bronx. He’s from Minnesota, so he has no idea about different boroughs. And maybe he’s colorblind, so he won’t realize the pinstripes on his uniform aren’t navy blue.

fran1.jpgAlright, let’s go to the phones. Frank is on the cell phone.

cell.jpgMike, did you just say that you’ve been saying Santana’s going to the Mets for weeks? Because I listen to the show every day, and I could swear you said as recently as last week that he’d definitely be a Yankee.

fran1.jpgFrank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank

cell.jpg
What?!

fran1.jpgFrank, let me finish! Frank Frank Frank Frank Frank.
Frank.
Frank.
Frank.
You there, Frank? Frank, I never wrote off the Mets as players in the Santana race. I have been TOUTING them for WEEKS as MAJOR players! If
you think I didn’t say that, you are LOST!

cell.jpgI am positive that you’ve been saying the exact opposite. And Mad Dog, how can you say Santana didn’t want to be a Met when there’s a bunch of different reports that the Mets were his first choice?

maddog1.jpgFrank, lemme ask you a question: did Paul LoDuca do steroids?

cell.jpgWhat does that have to do with anything we’re talking about?

maddog1.jpgAnswer the question, Frank! Did Paul LoDuca do steroids?

cell.jpgAccording to the Mitchell Report, yes, he did.

maddog1.jpgAnd you, as a Mets fan, used to root for him, am I right?

cell.jpg Yes, I did.


maddog1.jpgSo how can you sit there on your high horse and tell me not to root for Barry Bonds?

cell.jpgI didn’t say a single word about Barry Bonds! But if you don’t believe me about what you guys said last week, go listen to the tapes.

fran1.jpgFrank, I promise you that the tapes will say exactly what we’re saying now. At least as soon as our engineers get through with them.

maddog1.jpg You dare question us? Get this guy off the air! God, what a disgrace! Eddie, you gotta screen these calls better! I’m gonna say some horrible stuff about your wife on the air later!

fran1.jpgFolks, here’s what you gotta understand. When we use a word, it means just what we choose it to mean. So when I wrote off the Mets’ chances last week, I meant that they would land Santana. When I said the Yankees would land Santana, I meant that they would keep their prospects.

maddog1.jpgWar is peace! Work is freedom!

fran1.jpgWe will not be slaves to history, folks. History is a weapon, to be wielded at our command, on our terms.

maddog1.jpgThe Mets are doubleplusungood!

fran1.jpgWe’ll be right back after this word from the Ministry of Truth.

What Not to Wear and the Final Solution for Fashion

whatnot1.jpgGod, look at this girl!
whatnot2.jpgAre you sure it’s a girl? She looks more like the love child of Margaret Thatcher and a month-old jack-o-lantern!
whatnot1.jpgHer fashion sense is on life support, and I’d love to pull the plug on it!
whatnot2.jpgI’d like to pull the plug on her ! Look at that huge ass! That thing’s got its own zip code!
whatnot1.jpgWhere’d she get those pants, Old Gravy?
whatnot2.jpgIf I had to wear outfits like hers, I’d pop a cyanide capsule straight into my mouth.
whatnot1.jpgExcept if you were her, you couldn’t fit it because there’d be too many Ring Dings in the way!
whatnot2.jpgHer whole look makes me want to vomit, but I’m afraid if I did, she’d lap it up like the dog she is!
whatnot1.jpgRuff ruff! Forget the makeover, we should just put her to sleep! How would you put Ol’ Smeller down?
whatnot2.jpgI’d slit her throat, but I think butter would come out instead of blood!
whatnot1.jpgI’d shoot her, but the bullet might just get lost in all her fat folds!
whatnot2.jpgMaybe if we wait, nature will take its course, and she’ll go out choking on a ham sandwich, Mama Cass-style.
whatnot1.jpgGod, I hate women!
whatnot2.jpgGod, me too!
whatnot1.jpgNot all women, of course. Just the poor ones.
whatnot2.jpgOh God, I hate poor women. Don’t they know dry-clean only clothes just look better?
whatnot1.jpgI know, right? Fat women drive me nuts, too. If
you can’t stop stuffing your face, just get some liposuction, or stay
indoors! You’re blocking the sun for the rest of us!
whatnot2.jpgIf I could, I would so round up all the
fat and poor women in America. Herd them into the same neighborhoods,
make them wear patches on their tacky outfits so we can keep track of
them…
whatnot1.jpgYeah! Then I’d send them off to special camps in
the country, where they would totally work 18 hours a day for no pay!
That’ll teach ’em!
whatnot2.jpgThen when they’re too weak to work anymore, we can execute them all!
whatnot1.jpgBut why waste precious bullets on them? Just round them up in gas chambers and choke them to death! It’s more efficient!
whatnot2.jpgYou’ve thought about this a lot, haven’t you?
whatnot1.jpgOh my God, every waking moment!
whatnot2.jpgIt’s fun to dream, huh?
whatnot1.jpgSomeday, mi amigo, someday. Now let’s see what her fat friends had to say…

Up the Middle with Skitch Hanson: A Trage-Lesson for Us All

Today, Scratchbomb hands over the reins to nationally syndicated sports columnist Skitch Hanson, as we’ve done many times before. You may know him as the author of the highly popular column “Up The Middle,” recipient of the 2006 Phil Mushnick Award for Neo-Luddite-Ism in Sports Writing. You may have read his best-selling books “My Way Is the High Way: How Every Single Game Should Be Played” and “Whoops! Seventeen Years of Retracted Statements”. He’s also a frequent guest on ESPN’s sportswriters panel show Who’s the Loudest? Without further ado, here’s Skitch.

Sean Taylor:
Who can we
blame his death
on (other than
the guy who
did it)?

When Sean Taylor was shot this weekend, it was a shot that was heard around the world. Except for those places in the world where they don’t care about football. So I guess it was primarily a shot heard around America and perhaps some parts of Canada.

Of course, the police are still investigating, and we still don’t know exactly why he was killed. But I think it’s safe to say Sean Taylor was involved with some combination of violence-gangs, drugs, or gun running. I would also not rule out the white slave trade.

Sean Taylor is another sad example of a young athlete being seduced by the world of violence, drugs, shooting, and violence (probably). His death was a tragedy, but it was also a wake-up call. Call it a Trage-Call. Or a Trage-Lesson. Or a Trage-Example.

Coming up with a new word would be easier if we all spoke German, but I think my point is clear.

Professional sports leagues can no longer continue to employ people who set such bad
examples for our children, no matter how well they can hit or run or shoot. Shoot basketballs, I mean. Shooting guns well would be bad. Now that I think about it, even a poorly aimed bullet can harm someone. So leagues should stop taking on players who shoot guns badly, too.

When you’re an athlete, children look up to you. When I was a boy, I wanted to be just like Pete Rose. So I wore my hair in a bowl cut and barreled into other kids just so I could be first in the lunch line. I was happy to be just like Charlie Hustle, and I didn’t care that this subjected me to daily wedgies and backseat school bus beatings.

Continue reading Up the Middle with Skitch Hanson: A Trage-Lesson for Us All