Category Archives: Media Morons

Football, Media Morons

Stop the Presses – With Horror!

“Hey chief, this just came over the wire: Bill Cowher has no interest in Jets job.“

“This is definitely going on tomorrow’s back cover. Now, we just need to find an appropriate photo, something that will convey the contempt and disgust we have for a man we desperately wanted to come to NY just yesterday.”

“I got one here, chief. This was snapped right after he bit into a meatball sub and got it all over his shirt.”

“No, we’re not going for embarrassing! We’re going for nauseating! This is the first picture millions of people are gonna see this morning when they’re having their breakfast, drinking their coffee, riding the subway. We want them throw up in their mouths when they see this thing!”

“I think I got one, chief. Check it out–he looks like a cross between Hitler and an orc.”

gal_back_12_31.jpg“I can barely contain the vomit churning in my stomach. And you can totally see up his nose, too! This is gonna sicken millions–I love it! Take it down to the art guys and see if they can widen his nostrils in Photoshop, add some more hair up there.”

“Do you want them to add some stink lines, too?”

“No, we got in trouble the last time we did that. The Dalai Lama was not happy. But I like the way you think, kid!”

Football, Skitch Hanson

Up the Middle with Skitch Hanson: A Fashion Plaxico-No

Today, Scratchbomb hands over the reins to nationally syndicated sports columnist Skitch Hanson, as we’ve done many times before. You may know him as the author of the highly popular syndicated column “Up The Middle.” You may also have read his best-selling book Numbers Don’t Lie Except When They Do . He’s also a frequent guest on ESPN’s sportswriters panel show Tiny Elf-Like Men Shrieking. Without further ado, here’s Skitch.

I want to thank The Scratchbomb for having me back. I’ve turned into a bit of a “pariah” around the office ever since I got back from Beijing. My newspaper didn’t appreciate some of the charges I ran up during the Olympics. I tried to explain to my boss that it wasn’t my fault, but he hasn’t trusted me since the Rental Car Incident of 2003.

(My loyal readers will remember that well, but for the rest of you, let’s just say that you should never try to force a cassette tape into a car stereo CD player, no matter how badly you want to hear “Sweet Baby James”. And remember: even if you’re trying to be helpful to the good people at Hertz, marinara sauce is no substitute for transmission fluid.)

Here’s what happened: One night in Beijing, I ate a crazy vegetable the locals call “egged-plant” and found myself in some gastric distress. A friendly cabbie brought me to the local pharmacy to get some Pepto Bismol, after I made myself understood with 15 minutes of an embarrassing set of hand gestures.

When we go to the pharmacy, the cabbie asked if he could borrow my corporate AmEx. He said he needed some medicine for his sick wife. I know it sounds crazy now, but I felt I owed the guy. Plus, I wasn’t really sure this place was a pharmacy at all. I’ve never seen a drug store that had crap tables and roulette wheels, and guys guarding the doors with
switchblades.

So imagine my surprise when I get back to the States and the only pharmaceutical purchases on the statement were 500 gross of Viagra! Plus 17 flatscreen TVs, and a bunch of charges to some Web site called LithuanianBrides.com. That sounds like a place where you could get something nice for your wife, so maybe the cabbie wasn’t totally lying.

Continue reading Up the Middle with Skitch Hanson: A Fashion Plaxico-No →

Skitch Hanson, Sports

Up the Middle with Skitch Hanson: Fine China

Today, Scratchbomb hands over the reins to nationally syndicated sports columnist Skitch Hanson, as we’ve done many times before. You may know him as the author of the highly popular syndicated column “Up The Middle.” You may also have read his best-selling book Ebbetts Field and Johnny Unitas: Why Everything Good in Sports Has Already Happened. He’s also a frequent guest on ESPN’s sportswriters panel show I Disagree With You. Without further ado, here’s Skitch.

Greetings from Beijing! Or should I say, “How Knee”! That’s how they say “hello” here in China, which is where I am, covering this year’s Summer Olympian Games! It’s so exciting to cover a special event such as this, something I look forward to so much every year! Except for those years when there aren’t any Olympics.

It took some doing to get here, of course. I had to convince my editor that I would actually do some work on this trip and not spend the whole time consumed by my favorite off-hours hobby. But I assured him that China would give me very few opportunities to collect Lawrence Welk memorabilia.

Continue reading Up the Middle with Skitch Hanson: Fine China →