Category Archives: Media Morons

Rush Limbaugh’s Society for Things that Look Like Other Things

limbaugh.jpgWelcome back to the show. Listen, I think I need to clarify some remarks I made. For some reason, some people get all bent out of shape when you mention Adolf Hitler.

Look: I’m not saying that Barack Obama is exactly like Adolf Hitler. That would be insane! I just think he does certain things that resemble things Hitler also did. They both eat. Are you aware of that? You won’t hear the liberal media talk about that, but it’s true!

And how about the logo for Obama’s health care plan? It looks almost swastika-esque, in my opinion.

Not overtly, of course. No one would come right out and make a logo that looks like a swastika–not even the O-bum-a administration. No, they’re too subtle and sneaky for that. You have to stare at this thing for a while before it becomes apparent. Really stare at it. For like, five hours. Then smack yourself upside the head and pop three Vicodin. And throw some salt in your eyes.

It’s amazing, isn’t it? The Obamas make me jump through all these hoops so I can see their Nazi imagery. I have to sit around and do all this work, just to it will resemble something evil. Is there anything they won’t stoop to?

Know what else I’ve been noticing? Nancy Pelosi looks an awful lot like Joseph Goebbels. Again, this is not something you would notice at first glance. Or second. Or third, or tenth, or seven hundred and twenty-fifth. It takes a truly keen intellect like mine, with the mental stamina to squint at the same thing for several hours without blinking. And to do so after ingesting a fistful of Percocet.

Not to mention, this golden microphone that I use, it looks a lot like the torch wielded by the runner in Leni Riefenstahl’s Olympia. Maybe this is the same torch hoisted in that film. Yes! I am sure of it!

And the receiver of this phone, it looks just like the talons of a fierce Nazi creature called the Jar-Lock! Half-man, half-animal, and 100 percent killing machine! Hitler bred it especially to spread the foul stench of socialized medicine! It haunts my dreams! Sometimes Jar-Lock tries to attack me in broad daylight, emerging from the shadows and returning there just as quickly! You may not have heard of this beast, because it might only exist in my head!

And when I stare in the mirror for a really long time, I can convince myself that my greasy, slicked-back hair actually looks presentable, instead of making me look like a 400-pound Gordon Gekko.

And when I see the fine layer of gelatinous sweat that limns my forehead, it looks to me like something women might find attractive, rather than the sign of a morbidly obese land monster who gets winded while chewing.

Coming up on the program, I’ll slam a few OxyContin, choke back the self loathing churning in my stomach, and find several new ways to shoehorn the phrase “anal poisoning” into my rant!

Scratchbomb’s 2009 All-Star Game Live Blog: Final

11:08: K-Rod looked good, for the most part. Much better than he’s looked in actual Mets games of late.

I vote we place a moratorium on those Bud commercials with that Jet song. The tune has approached near-“Vertigo” levels of annoying ubiquity.

Mariano sets ’em down 1-2-3, and the NL is 0 for the decade (and then some). And I shall repair to my bed, to dream of the years of senior circuit dominance gone by.

11:08: How on earth did Angel Hernandez get on the umpiring crew for the ASG? He’s gotta be the worst ump in the game, by a huge margin. And a total douche to boot.

As Will Carroll pointed out, why did McCarver pick Adrian Gonzalez giving $250K to his alma mater’s baseball team as an example of good-guy-ism? Lot more worthy causes in
the world, Tim.

Ryan Howard strands runners at the corners. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen him strike out on a total junk pitch in the dirt. Dude can not just lay off it.

10:52:
Heath Bell has taken over Trevor Hoffman’s role in San Diego–including
melting down when it really counts. Curtis Granderson triple and Adam Jones sac fly puts the AL back on top.

McCarver’s trying to sell us on the “value” of Kevin Youkilis. Is he a used car?

Continue reading Scratchbomb’s 2009 All-Star Game Live Blog: Final

Stay Tuned: All Star Game Live Blog

buckmccarver.jpgI considered tweeting all about tonight’s exciting (yawn) All Star Game. Then I remembered that it will involve Joe Buck and Tim McCarver. And that, because the game is taking place in St. Louis, Mr. Buck will be at the height of his most cloyingly nostalgic and self righteous. (See how many times the phrase “greatest fans in baseball is used”, but please don’t turn it into a drinking game or you’ll go blind.) It was then I knew I couldn’t restrain my hatred to 140 characters at a time.

So this evening, I will live blog all the drama and stupidity that surely awaits us. Your comments are, as always, welcomed.