Category Archives: Life In These United States

Life In These United States

Me and My Shadow

I wouldn’t call myself claustrophobic per se. But I do have an intense dislike of confined spaces, a trait I share with pretty much every animal on the planet. So naturally, I’ve chosen to live in New York City, which is a series of confined spaces piled on top of one another.

For reasons I can’t quite place right now, I decided to go to a different deli than usual to get my coffee and breakfast. And for reasons that are even harder to determine, I went to the deli that once served me the worst sandwich ever made. So I should have expected to be a little disoriented and confused. What I didn’t count on was starring in a mini-French Connection subway platform scene. (I played Popeye Doyle in this version.)

Like most NY delis, this one doesn’t have a lot of room to spare for coffee preparation. It needs the space for 1700 different kinds of energy shots and wasabi peas. Even when judged by NY standards, however, this deli is aggressive in its waste of space. You know how there are design consultants who can help you maximize your space in a crowded urban environment? This deli went with these consultants’ bizzarro counterparts. “This guy comes highly recommended–he spiffed up the Collyer Brothers’ place!”

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Life In These United States, Seasonal Fare

Demean Yr Idols

I was stuck at a light this morning at the corner of Flushing and Bedford, right behind a minivan of generic American make. The minivan’s rear windshield was emblazoned with two stickers, right at the top of the glass, centered horizontally. They were both of roughly equal size and, based on their positioning, given roughly equal prominence by their owner.

To the left: Jesus Christ wearing a crown of thorns, rendered in silver and black

To the right: Faded Mickey Mouse, one of his arms partially torn.

He’s probably too nice to say it, but I think Jesus would be a little upset by that. And on his birthday, too!

He might also be a little upset by the windows I saw earlier, near the intersection of Flushing and Knickerbocker. The first floor apartment had two windows with messages written in that snowy tinsley stuff whose name I can’t recall.

Left window: MERRY XMAS!

Right window: HAIL SATAN!

Life In These United States, Seasonal Fare

Open Letter to the Completely Stoned Guy I Saw at Toys R Us

highsanta.jpgKudos to you, sir.

A lot of us get stressed out during the holidays, especially when we’re shopping for our families. That stress causes us to do non-Christmas-y things like act rude or discourteous to complete strangers while at the store. Or worse.

You decided that you would maintain the holiday spirit the only way you know how: by going to Toys R Us high as a kite. That takes no small amount of courage. No, wait, courage isn’t the word I’m looking for. What is it? Oh yes: immaturity. Still, bravo!

I also applaud you for making sure no one could mistake you for a sober person. Nope, when you packed that bowl before leaving the house, you wanted strangers to spot your glazed, heavy-lidded Stoner Stare from 50 yards away. You also, apparently, wanted the air around you to have the acrid stench of Willie Nelson’s rec room carpet.

I should probably congratulate you just for remembering that it’s Christmas. You look like the kind of guy who forgets to to do things because they’re just too “heavy”. Like showing up for work on time, or paying the rent.

And I don’t envy what you’ll tell your kids when they open their gifts and they ask you about that funny smell. Will say that reek is Santa’s Magic Christmas Dust? Or will you go smoke up again because you can’t handle your children giving you a big plastic hassle?

Happy Holidays, Stoned Man. I hope Santa Claus brings you that 12-foot dragon-covered bong you want. And if you’re really lucky, maybe he’ll leave behind some handy stocking stuffers. Like dignity, and self-respect.