Category Archives: Life In These United States

Life In These United States, The Funny

Re: Fridge Cleaning

From: Human Resources (hr@technotek.com)

To: All_Staff (staff@technotek.com)

Re: Fridge Cleaning

Just a heads up that we’ve scheduled a fridge cleaning in the fourth floor kitchen this weekend. The cleaning staff will throw out any unmarked food, so if you want to keep something, please use the little yellow DO NOT DISCARD stickers we’ve posted in the kitchen.

If anyone has any questions about this at all, please let me know. Thanks!

* * *

From: Bill_Thompson (bthompson@technotek.com)

To: All_Staff (staff@technotek.com)

Re: Re: Fridge Cleaning

Hey Fred, does this mean they’re gonna toss some of those science projects you got in there? They’ll need a hazmat suit to touch that stuff! LOL

* * *

From: Angela_Williams (awilliams@technotek.com)

To: All_Staff (staff@technotek.com)

Re: Re: Re: Fridge Cleaning

Bill, if you want to send a jokey email to Fred on company time, that’s your business. But don’t hit “Reply All” when you do it and clog up everyone’s Outlook inbox.

* * *

From: Bill_Thompson (bthompson@technotek.com)

To: All_Staff (staff@technotek.com)

Re: Re: Re: Re: Fridge Cleaning

Angela, I find it ironic you would send me a snotty email about pressing “Reply All” that is itself a “Reply All” message.

* * *

Continue reading Re: Fridge Cleaning →

Life In These United States

Death’s Record First Quarter Profits Raise Eyebrows

cemetery.jpgAt a time when most sectors of the economy are suffering, Death reported record profits for the first quarter of 2010, prompting surprise from the world of finance and resentment from the general public.

“I think we all knew this was  a good year for Death, but no one dared dream it was this good,” said Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein. “The smart investor who bet on Death this year is now reaping the rewards.”

“I believe if you look at it in aggregate, Death’s profits aren’t that much larger than this time last year,” said Harold Long, economics professor at Columbia University, upon hearing the news. “But a few high profile acquisitions paint Death as this greedy, heartless entity. Even I was taken aback when Death acquired Teddy Pendergrass, Alex Chilton, and Jay Reatard all within the span of two months. It just comes across as overkill.”

Death’s diversified holdings have expanded to acquiring assets in all fields. Its film department was enlarged by the addition of Erich Rohmer, and its literary department by J.D. Salinger. The arrival of Bea Arthur added to Death’s already considerable actress and gay icon divisions.

While this embarrassment of riches has delighted Wall Street, it has led to resentment on Main Street. Such excess seems especially galling to unemployed workers like Frank Renfro of Detroit, recently laid off from his job at a decorative candle manufacturing company.

“Enough is never enough with these people,” Renfro said. “All they do is take, take, take. It’s not good enough they got one former child star when they picked up Boner from Growing Pains. No, they gotta grab Corey Haim, too. And to top it off, they gobble up Art Clokey! I didn’t even know he was still around! What are they even gonna do with the guy who created Gumby? Put him on a pile over at the big ol’ Death mansion, I guess. Makes me sick.”

In response to the criticism, Death called a press conference, where CEO Grim Reaper pointed a bony finger at the assembled host, as the faint but unmistakable sound of scythes being ground against enormous wheels screeched in the distance.

Life In These United States

Workplace Condiment Etiquette and You

sriracha.jpgI keep a bottle of Sriracha in the kitchen at my office. Sriracha is also known as THE BEST HOT SAUCE CRAFTED BY THE HAND OF MAN. I don’t use it too often, but it’s a nice thing to have handy when your lunch needs an extra kick.

Today, as I went to the kitchen to fetch my lunch, I saw my bottle of Sriracha on the countertop. I knew it was mine because it has my hand-written note on it instructing the cleaning people not to throw it out (because they can and will throw out everything unless instructed not to).

The top was opened (it has an attached cap that unscrews like an Elmer’s glue bottle) and some of its contents were dripping down the side. I also noticed that a lot more of the sauce had been used since I last used it. I’m pretty sparing in my hot sauce application, but it had obviously been applied liberally–by other people–since I last used it.

A coworker was in the kitchen at the time, waiting for his lunch to heat up in the microwave. It was unclear to me if this person was responsible for using my Sriracha. I didn’t recognize him, either, because there are new people in and out of the place all the time.

I pondered what would be the correct approach to this situation. After all, using someone else’s condiment is not like eating someone else’s lunch (which has happened to me more than once at my current place of employ). But I personally would not use somebody else’s condiments, and I felt like it was a little uncool that someone would just something that does not belong to him/her.

As I wondered what to do, the coworker removed his lunch from the microwave and left, leaving the Sriracha untouched. Now, again, I don’t know if this particular person availed himself of my Sriracha. But whether it was him or someone else, he/she did so and just left it on the counter, unopened, with hot sauce dripping from the cap.

That is definitely unacceptable. So I grabbed my Sriracha and deposited it my desk. You’re supposed to refrigerate it, but I’ll sacrifice freshness for the sake of not having thieves and slobs pawing and mistreating it. Sorry folks, but you lost your Sriracha privileges.

I’m not nuts, right? I am totally within my rights to be stupidly pissed off about this, yes? Please reassure me.