Category Archives: Füd

Füd

Gourmet Food Companies Are Reading My Mind!

This morning, I purchased some coffee from one of Brooklyn’s many breakfast carts. Upon first sip, the taste brought to mind bacon. Like, a lot.

Though I enjoy the (very) occasional strip of bacon on an egg sammich or a hamburger, I wouldn’t call myself a bacon enthusiast. However, I know America is full of bacon enthusiasts, if levels of obesity and heart disease are any indication. And I also know America loves to smash one food into another food. Peanut butter into chocolate. Mustard into mayonnaise. Sausages into pancakes, onto sticks.

So for a brief moment, I thought to myself, “I’ll start working on bacon-flavored coffee! It’s two great tastes that go great together! The public will flip for it! I’ll be a bazillionaire!”

Do I know the first thing about making coffee? Of course not. I think you broil the beans, and then shell them, or something, but that’s the limit of my knowledge. No matter. The awesomeness of my idea would trump piddling details like my total lack of expertise.

baconcoffee.jpgBut my dreams were quickly snuffed by Google. A search for “bacon coffee” yielded this result: a company called BocaJava that produces a flavored coffee called Maple Bacon Morning.

Reminiscent of a hearty Saturday morning breakfast around the table, this sweet, savory coffee delights the senses with the smell and taste of home! Maple Bacon Morning has a base that’s full-bodied and complex, and it’s a delicious way to rise when the rooster crows!

I should have known someone would beat me to the punch. Bacon-flavored coffee was too good an idea to go unexploited for so long. But at least it’s a small gourmet coffee company doing it, and not McDonalds unveiling a new breakfast sandwich. “It’s the new McSlammer! We took a McGriddle and squished it into a half-full cup of coffee!”

But I can still pursue a parallel idea: coffee-infused bacon! My plan is to inject slices of bacon with a freshly brewed Kona blend. So when you bite into a crunchy slab of bacon, it shoots a stream of java into your mouth. I’ll just have to some market research to see if the human tongue can withstand coffee once it’s been heated to bacon-frying temperatures.

Füd

The Awnings of Brooklyn: Pizza di Napoli

friedpizza.jpg“Fried pizza: one bite and you’ll actually hear your arteries scream in horror!”

What’s more amazing: the fact that fried pizza exists, or the fact that this pic was taken in Brooklyn and not the Jersey Shore? As Tom Scharpling once said, when you go to the Jersey Shore, they just assume whatever you want, you want it fried.

If you told someone from Naples that there was a place in America named after their city that sold deep-fried pizza, they’d probably beat you to death, just on general principle.

Who do we have to thank for deep fried pizza? The British, of course, the same people who brought you deep-fried Mars bars and deep-fried mac and cheese. Apparently deep-fried pizza is a popular chip shop snack over there. I know Masterpiece Theatre makes us think the English are all sophisticated and proper, but trust me, they have a junk culture over there that makes American pop garbage look like the Algonquin Round Table.

I’m not sure why a place that specializes in British junk food is in a Puerto Rican neighborhood. But the joint is in a prime location, right down the block from Woodhull Hospital. So you’re within walking distance of the ER for the inevitable stomach pumping that will follow.

Füd

Super Bowl Snack Ideas from Tram Woodreaux

With The Big Game (c) (r) almost upon us, Scratchbomb welcomes Tram Woodreaux, host of the popular cooking show Off the Rails! on The Grub Network and owner of the popular Galveston restaurant The Whee!house.

tram.jpgFirst off, how do I pronounce your restaurant’s name?

It’s like “wheelhouse”, but you make sure you add some extra zip on the first syllable. We like to do things a little nutty down at the Whee!house. We got this poster in the kitchen that says, “You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it helps!” That’s a joke, of course. We don’t hire actual crazy people. Not after what happened last time.

I’m sure you heard that there’s a wing shortage right now. So say you can’t get wings for your Super Bowl party. What’s the next best thing?

I think you can’t go wrong with a couple of Hostess Suzy-Q’s, arranged on a sporty football shaped platter, and covered with Kraft Cheez-Whiz. I call ’em Touchdown Tortes!

Yuck. That sounds completely awful.

Oh, you gotta be kidding me! You should see how fast my Touchdown Tortes go at my parties! Almost as fast as my Cornerback Kickoff Nachos!

What’s in those?

Three bags of Doritos brand tortilla chips, two cans of Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom Soup, a sack of Nabisco Chips Ahoy, a big ol’ soup ladle…

Please tell me you don’t eat the soup ladle.

Of course not! You use the soup ladle to smash the ingredients together, mix ’em up, and pour out the mixture into ice cube trays. Stick toothpicks in the goop and two hours later, you’ve got little gooey nacho-sicles for everyone!

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