We know that our customers have been complaining about our pizza for years. That’s why we’re taking steps to make Domino’s better. And the first step to getting better is to admit you have a problem.

So we’ll be the first to admit our food is not the best. In fact, it’s pretty horrible. In all honesty, we’ve served you the worst garbage imaginable for decades. We are not legally allowed to refer to Domino’s Pizza as food in 23 states. We wouldn’t feed a starving war criminal the swill we try to pass off as pizza. If you knew half the stuff we put in our sauce, you would beat us within an inch of our lives, and no jury would convict you.

That’s why we gathered all our test kitchen chefs together to give them all of your helpful feedback. We locked them in a windowless, unlit room and projected that feedback randomly on the walls for 15 hours, while “The Flight of the Valkyries” blared at half speed with extra bass boost from enormous speakers. The cooks came out of this experience with a renewed commitment to excellence, at least the few who weren’t driven to the brink of madness.

This brainstorming session also enabled our chefs to tap into some childhood trauma and humiliation that had previously been buried deep within their psyches. And those repressed experiences have provided the inspiration for our brand new menu!

• Try our new buffalo chicken pizza! The improved blue cheese dressing was the brainchild of chef Greg Sanchez, whose mother threw a full jar of mayonnaise at him in frustration when he was only 6 years old. This incident is deeply imprinted on his brain and is probably the source of his frequent, uncontrollable fits of rage. Comes with a free order of mozzarella sticks!
• Who doesn’t love the spicy, tangy taste of the Southwest? Chef Marty Bellows doesn’t! He’s still scarred from when his parents took him to a Mexican restaurant and he accidentally peed his pants, but wasn’t allowed to go to the bathroom and dry himself off. He still has body image issues and difficulty trusting others. But we trust you’ll love his barbecue chipotle pizza!
• If you like a more traditional pizza, you’ll love our improved sauce, made with fresh tomatoes, garlic, cilantro, and other hearty ingredients. It’s all thanks to the hard work of chef Denise Russo, or rather her overbearing neat-freak mother, who scolded her when she stained her bedsheets with her first period!

We know you’re gonna love our new menu! Because if you don’t, we’re making our cooks march around the corporate office in their undies!