All posts by Matthew Callan

Studio 60 on Roosevelt Avenue

Studio 60 on Roosevelt Avenue: Episode 2

STUDIO 60 ON ROOSEVELT AVENUE
EPISODE 2
WRITTEN COMPLETELY BY AARON SORKIN TOTALLY ALONE AND UNDER GREAT DURESS
TO RELIVE THE GENIUS OF THE PILOT EPISODE, CLICK HERE

LOGLINE: Once the nation’s best and most respected baseball GM, Sandy Alderson has been reduced to trying to revive a moribund franchise is the depths of deepest, darkest Queens. Along with his sharp-witted and adoring protégés, he fights off the seemingly endless series of controversies and crises that beset him while trying to run a sports team in the country’s most bustling metropolis, and still look fantastic while doing it. Can the pressures of such an important job crush this singularly talented and gifted individual genius?

ACT I

SANDY ALDERSON’s office, looking out over the majestic replica ball field built on a studio backlot at great expense. The grounds crew waters the field, spraypaints the foul lines, and rolls down new sod. ALDERSON sits on one corner of his desk, leaning on a knee, as his star shortstop JOSE REYES sits across from him, slumped in an office chair, his eyes sad and downcast.

REYES: Sandy, there’s no easy way to say this…

ALDERSON: No one ever got anywhere by saying what’s easy. Just spit it out.

REYES: Fine. I’ve decided to reenter the priesthood.

ALDERSON: [wandering toward the window] I had a feeling that’s where this was headed. We always knew this was a possibility when we drafted you out of that Dominican seminary.

REYES: It kills me to let down the team like this, but it would kill me more not to answer the call of The Lord.

ALDERSON: I completely understand. Of course, there are many aspects of your faith that I find absurd, even offensive. However, I fought for my country so people could believe whatever insane notion they wish.

REYES: I appreciate that, although I’m sorry you feel that way about faith.

ALDERSON: I’m afraid I saw too much in the service to cling to faith anymore. I wouldn’t say I’m mad at God, just a little mad at some of his creations.

REYES: You’re a good man, Sandy. I hope one day The Lord can touch your heart again.

ALDERSON: I hope so too.

REYES: What will you tell the press? The fans?

ALDERSON: That’s no longer your concern. Go. And God bless.

As ALDERSON stares off into the middle distance, the camera pans down onto a groundskeeper raking the infield and lingers on him for an entire minute for some reason as a melancholy cello concerto swells.

Continue reading Studio 60 on Roosevelt Avenue: Episode 2 →

"Classic" Scratchbomb, Cinematics

A Thousand Clowns, Now Available in Non-Imaginary Form

A tweet from Jesse Thorn alerted me to the fact that A Thousand Clowns is now available as a DVD-on-demand from Amazon. This is one of my favoritest movies ever, despite the fact that it’s been nigh impossible to view or purchase over the years. If I’m not mistaken, this is the very first time it’s been made available on DVD. You should probably buy it before someone at Amazon changes their mind.

If you want to know why you should buy it, check out this post I wrote earlier this year (also prompted by Mr. Thorn) on the origins of my obsession with it. Yeah, I was obsessed with something. Hard to believe, I know.

NYC, Videocracy

Behold! The Crazy Local Ad Lives!

On this site, I’ve often lamented the disappearance of insane local TV ads in the tri-state area. Thanks to the high cost of broadcast time and the disappearance of the mom-and-pop outfit, seems like there’s just no place in this world for the owner of a used car lot to put on a huge foam cowboy hat, force his kids to woodenly recite lines, and blow out lavalier mics anymore. *sigh*

Not so fast! Last night I saw a commercial on (where else?) SNY that gives me hope for the future of Crazy Local Ads. Granted, the production values on this are much, much better than the traditional Crazy Local Ad. Advances in video technology have made it virtually impossible to make a “cheap” looking commercial anymore. And obviously, some expense was spared to write and record the epic jingle you’re about to hear. Still, I feel safe placing this into the category of Crazy Local Ad, for reasons that I hope will become evident shortly.

Without further ado, I present to you Daisy Mae’s BBQ.

Wow. That’s a lotta crazy in 30 seconds. Maybe you didn’t catch it all on your first viewing. Don’t worry, I have a fully detailed breakdown for you, because I’ve watched this thing 50 times since last night.

Start: The jingle vaguely follows the olde timey tune “Bicycle Built for Two,” but you can hear the “homage” lose steam almost immediately. The only instrumentation you can clearly make out are timpanis and background yellers (CUE! CHEW!) And oh, that voice. Boy, that makes me hungry for barbecue. Or a throat lozenge.

0:04: I think this man wants to murder these ribs.

0:08: You know, it’s okay to write more than one draft of something. If your first set of lyrics require the singer to cram a bazillion words into one small space like the Micro Machines guy, you can try again. Really, you can. Virtually all pretense of “Daisy, Daisy…” has been dropped by this point.

0:10: The girl licking barbecue sauce (I hope?) from her fingers, which is clearly meant to be sexy, but just looks like she’s someone who might be too mentally impaired to know how to use a wet nap. And what is on her fingers? They’re orange and yellow and black–is she wearing candy corn?!

0:14: This is the part I had to rewind a million times, because I was laughing so hard. This poor girl goes through at least five distinct accents in the span of one sentence, and never quite settles on one. Is she supposed to be Southern? Irish? Pirate?

0:25: “It’s the best sweet iced tea in a jar you’ve ever had!” Forgive my Yankee ignorance, but is that an actual Southern barbecue thing? Because it sounds completely made up by someone who knows nothing of Southern cuisine. “Come on over, y’all, for some dee-licious meatloaf in a cone!” The picture of said jarred iced tea also looks more like pickled red peppers.

0:27: The jingle tries again to pick up the “Bicycle Built for Two” motif at the very end, yet also doesn’t come to a definitive end. It definitely sounds like it’s going to launch into another verse, completely with timpani roll, and then just like that, the ad is over. Extremely unsettling.

Daisy Mae’s BBQ, thank you for making us laugh about Crazy Local Ads. Again.