All posts by Matthew Callan

Baseball

We Need to Talk, New York Times

New York Times, can you come in here please?

I found this in your contents yesterday. You mind telling me what this is?

Won’t say anything? Fine, I’ll tell you. It’s an article about people who’ve named their dogs Jeter. Does that even remotely seem like news to you? Even for the sports pages?

It does? Really? How, exactly?

Because it’s a trend? C’mon, Times. In this article, you say there are 33 dogs registered in New York City with the name Jeter. What percentage of dogs in all five boroughs do you think that is? And don’t gimme that ‘I don’t know’! I thought we discussed this when you published that article about people hiring bartenders for house parties. Just because a couple of people do something doesn’t make it a trend, or interesting. We’ve been through this!

Look, I know everyone’s trying to ride the Jeter bandwagon. MLB is selling the dirt from under his feet and letting fans fondle his balls, for crying out loud. I know it’s the week after Fourth of July and all your best reporters are still in the Hamptons. But this…this is just unacceptable.

I know you can do better than this, Times. I know you can! I wouldn’t have pushed you to take those advanced classes. You just need to apply yourself is all!

I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed.

Endeavors Elsewhere

Me, Elsewhere: The Curious Case of the Ed Grimley Cartoon

I’ve long been obsessed with The Completely Mental Misadventures of Ed Grimley, a cartoon that aired briefly on NBC in 1988-89, which only I watched and had virtually no right to exist. It starred Martin Short as the titular character and boasted the voice talents of many other SCTV alumni, plus Jonathan Winters. Yeah.

I have now channeled that obsession into a lengthy appreciation/history over at Splitsider, which can read right about…here. Enjoy!

Life In These United States, Seasonal Fare

Top Fourth of July Injuries (Non-Fireworks Edition)

  • Griller’s elbow
  • Simultaneous cardiac arrest and diabetic shock from ingesting too much fried Kool-Aid
  • Allergic reaction to Blue Angels flyover
  • Vertebrae misaligned during annual game of backyard volleyball
  • Sudden rush of blood to the head while actually listening to lyrics to “Born in the USA” or “Fortunate Son” for the first time
  • Various lesions resulting from the discovery of long-lost box of jarts in basement
  • Citronella poisoning
  • Boredom-induced skull displacement from prolonged brass band medley exposure
  • Excess swelling of patriotic pride
  • Asphyxiation from being suffocated under weight of football-field-sized American flag
  • Pulled triceps muscle from patting self on back for saluting guy you saw in the street wearing army fatigues
  • Competitive eating induces virulent strain of super-gout
  • Heatstroke suffered while wearing Revolutionary War-era garb or space suit
  • Incorrect tiki torch placement provokes deadly curse from angered Polynesian storm-god