All posts by Matthew Callan

Skitch Hanson

Up the Middle with Skitch Hanson: A Trage-Lesson for Us All

Today, Scratchbomb hands over the reins to nationally syndicated sports columnist Skitch Hanson, as we’ve done many times before. You may know him as the author of the highly popular column “Up The Middle,” recipient of the 2006 Phil Mushnick Award for Neo-Luddite-Ism in Sports Writing. You may have read his best-selling books “My Way Is the High Way: How Every Single Game Should Be Played” and “Whoops! Seventeen Years of Retracted Statements”. He’s also a frequent guest on ESPN’s sportswriters panel show Who’s the Loudest? Without further ado, here’s Skitch.

Sean Taylor:
Who can we
blame his death
on (other than
the guy who
did it)?

When Sean Taylor was shot this weekend, it was a shot that was heard around the world. Except for those places in the world where they don’t care about football. So I guess it was primarily a shot heard around America and perhaps some parts of Canada.

Of course, the police are still investigating, and we still don’t know exactly why he was killed. But I think it’s safe to say Sean Taylor was involved with some combination of violence-gangs, drugs, or gun running. I would also not rule out the white slave trade.

Sean Taylor is another sad example of a young athlete being seduced by the world of violence, drugs, shooting, and violence (probably). His death was a tragedy, but it was also a wake-up call. Call it a Trage-Call. Or a Trage-Lesson. Or a Trage-Example.

Coming up with a new word would be easier if we all spoke German, but I think my point is clear.

Professional sports leagues can no longer continue to employ people who set such bad
examples for our children, no matter how well they can hit or run or shoot. Shoot basketballs, I mean. Shooting guns well would be bad. Now that I think about it, even a poorly aimed bullet can harm someone. So leagues should stop taking on players who shoot guns badly, too.

When you’re an athlete, children look up to you. When I was a boy, I wanted to be just like Pete Rose. So I wore my hair in a bowl cut and barreled into other kids just so I could be first in the lunch line. I was happy to be just like Charlie Hustle, and I didn’t care that this subjected me to daily wedgies and backseat school bus beatings.

Continue reading Up the Middle with Skitch Hanson: A Trage-Lesson for Us All →

Baseball

Dane Cook: There Are Several Failed Oc-TOW-bers

danecook.jpgJune 30, 2007

You know what’s brewin’ in Milwaukee? The Milwaukee Brewers,
broseph! They got the choice hops of Prince Fielder, the finely toasted barley of J.J. Hardy, and the exquisite sour mash of Ryan Braun. There’s gonna be no hangover for the Brewers this year, Soda Popinski! These guys are goin’ on a bender–all the way to the World Series. *pop*

/dumb hand gesture

After All-Star break, Brewers lose Ben Sheets, Ned Yost mismanages the bullpen, a promising season goes down the tubes as Milwaukee falls 2 games shy of the NL Central title.

August 1, 2007

Never mind that, bro-ha-ha. ‘Cause the rime of the ancient mariner is ringin’ out in Seattle! And it rhymes with “postseason”. Ichiro! Sexson! Vidro! They even got a reliever named Putz! That’s awesome! No albatross around their necks, ya heard? They’re paddling their way upstream, all the way to a wild card berth, Mother Brain! *pop*

Mariners lose 15 of 17 in late August/early September. Coinciding with the Yankee’s surge, Seattle’s slide virtually eliminates them from playoff contention.

September 3, 2007

Okay, my last couple didn’t work out so great, tight bros from way back. But that’s because you haven’t met the Mets yet! Nothin’ wrong with David Wright! Jose Reyes the roof! Carlos Beltran is, um, a pretty good player! The rest of the National League don’t wanna meet the Mets, Fist of the North Star, you feel me? *pop*

Mets go on historic collapse, pissing away a 7-game lead with 17 games to play, finish one game behind the Phillies in the NL East.

October 23, 2007

Look, bro-logna sandwich on rye with mustard. Major League Baseball picked me to be the official postseason spokesman for a reason. It’s because I know what it takes to be a winner. I built up my stand-up empire through tireless touring, internet self-promotion, and idiotic hand signals and mouth noises. *pop* It ain’t my fault that all the teams I did commercials for earlier in the year went straight to toilet town. You think I wanted to do a
commercial for the friggin’ Diamondbacks? Even I can’t stand Eric Byrnes.

/does the worm on a stool

I’m not gonna let these losers drag me down, Cliff Huxtable. Dane Cook is gonna stay on top forever, just like slap bracelets and Patrick Swayze. You just watch, Ben Fong Torres–the Cookster is never goin’ down!

Next Dane Cook album, Wild Flailing in G Minor, sells 12
copies, sequel to Employee of the Month straight to video, eventual comeback via
celebrity dance competition widely mocked.

Football, Skitch Hanson

Up the Middle with Skitch Hanson: Jeters Always Prosper

Today, Scratchbomb hands over the reins to nationally syndicated sports columnist Skitch Hanson. You may know him as the author of the highly popular column “Up The Middle,” recipient of the 2006 Mitch Albom Award for Most Self-Righteous Moralizing in a Single Sports Column. You may have read his best-selling books “Numbers Prove Nothing Except When They Do” and “No One Will Ever Be Better than Willie Mays Because I Said So”. He’s also a frequent guest on ESPN’s sportswriters panel show Four Paunchy White Guys . Without further ado, here’s Skitch.

Many Yankees fans are calling for Joe Torre’s head, now that he’s failed to deliver yet another World Series title. But if you cut off Torre’s head, then the Yankees will literally lose their head as well.

No, make that figuratively. Figuratively lose their head. In any case, it would be bad.

But since there’s no way that Cleveland was simply a better team than the Yankees, someone must be to blame. If you want to know who’s really responsible for the Yankees’ postseason failure, there’s only one man you need to look to. And I know this won’t be a very popular opinion, but I have to say it anyway.

That’s right: Alex Rodriguez.

Continue reading Up the Middle with Skitch Hanson: Jeters Always Prosper →