All posts by Matthew Callan

Boob Tubery

Hell Is Network TV During the Writers’ Strike

howieandfriend.jpg

HOWIE MANDEL: Welcome back to Is That A Suitcase, America’s hottest game show! Sandy here is from Eau Claire, Wisconsin, and she’s made it past the Coors Light Cold Round and the Doritos Crunchy Crunch Zone. Now it’s time for the Pizza Hut Hot and Cheesy Lightning Round. So far, she has correctly identified SIXTY-FIVE SUITCASES.

/suspiciously thunderous applause/

But you’re still far from the finish line, Sandy. Because there are still THIRTY-FIVE of our lovely assistants on the stage, and each of them hold a THING. I will now point to one of these assistants. She will present the THING she is holding, and you have to tell me, IS THAT A SUITCASE?!

SANDY: Oh my God, I’m so nervous!

HOWIE MANDEL: Before you answer, remember: your ability to identify SUITCASES has already earned you several thousand dollars. If you quit now, you can walk away with that money. If you continue, you could lose it all. But you could also win a million dollars AND A FREE SUITCASE!

SANDY: Oh golly! I’m so worn out from identifying suitcases, I don’t know if I can identify another suitcase!

HOWIE MANDEL: If you’re unsure, there’s still time to pull out. Please take a look at
your family, who stand here corralled on a tiny platform, cheering you on.

HUSBAND: You can do it, honey! You’ve been identifying suitcases your whole life!

SON: Do it for the free suitcase, mommy!

HOWIE MANDEL: Sandy–

/pauses thirty seconds/

I need your answer–

/pauses four minutes/

–now.

/pauses for two ice ages/

IS THAT A SUITCASE?!

SANDY: Oh jeez…handle, leather case, three-digit combo lock…gosh, I just don’t know! Can I use one of my hint cards?

HOWIE MANDEL: Yes, but remember that if you do, you only have SEVENTY-THREE HINT CARDS LEFT.

SANDY: Only seventy-three? Oh no!

HOWIE MANDEL: After this commercial break: MORE DRAMATIC PAUSES!

*click*

moment.jpg

MARK WALBERG: This is Who Would You Hump? , the most CONTROVERSIAL show on TV! We have our contestant Frank strapped to a lie detector and pumped full of sodium pentathol, so HE CAN NOT POSSIBLY LIE. And now, we will find out his innermost, deepest, darkest, seediest, smelliest, stickiest secrets. I will name some people, and you have to tell me TRUTHFULLY: would you hump them, if there was no way that your wife would find out about it, there would be no adverse consequences for either you or the woman you humped, and you wouldn’t feel a shred of guilt about it? First up: Hayden
Pannetierre.

FRANK: Yes.

/ding/

MARK WALBERG: The machine says you’re telling the truth, but that was an easy one. Next: Maggie Gyllenhall.

FRANK: …Yes.

MARK WALBERG: You paused a bit. Are you sure?

FRANK: I’m sure, yes.

MARK WALBERG: Did you pause because you were thinking about her brother getting plowed in Brokeback Mountain ?

FRANK: No.

/ding/

MARK WALBERG: Okay, the machine agrees. Next up: Phyllis Diller.

FRANK: Jesus, no.

/buzz/

MARK WALBERG: Sorry, Frank. The machine says you’re lying.

FRANK: She’s like 90 years old! I don’t wanna hump her!

MARK WALBERG: The machine doesn’t lie, Frank. So not only do you lose, but you now have to bone Phyllis Diller on national TV.

FRANK: I never agreed to do that!

MARK WALBERG: Gotta read the fine print more carefully, Frank.

diller.jpgPHYLLIS DILLER: I hope Fang doesn’t hear about this. HAH HAH!

*click*

hulkster.jpg

HULK HOGAN: American Gladiators is back on the air, brother, and it’s hotter than ever! We got ‘roided up gladiators, we got insanely overconfident contestants, and best of all, we got ME, the Hulkmeister! Our first contestant is Mark Reynolds from Salinas, California. Oh yeah!

MARK: Thanks, Hulk. Great to be here.

HULK HOGAN: No, man, you gotta jump in and say you’re gonna kill the competition.

MARK: Well, I certainly expect to win…

HULK HOGAN: No, you have to literally say you will kill the competition! Murder ’em! Rip off their arms and club ’em to death with ’em!

MARK: I just wanna do my best…

HULK HOGAN: Say you’re gonna kidnap the other guy’s kids and eat their faces!

MARK: I’m not saying that!

HULK HOGAN: Okay, we’ll get a sass-mouth manager to say it for you. Freddie, get in here!

blassie.jpgFREDDIE BLASSIE: That pencil neck geek is gonna get what’s comin’ to him: a mouthful of bloody Chiclets!

MARK: What do I do now?

HULK HOGAN: Take steroids and do a retarded reality show about your untalented kids.

Politics Schmolitics

Be It Resolved: Reagan May Have Existed

hillary.jpgI find it very troubling that Senator Obama would heap praise on Ronald Reagan, considering how devastating his policies were for our country’s neediest citizens.
obama.jpgSenator Clinton, that accusation is patently
untrue. If you look at my remarks in their full context, you’ll see
that I did not praise Ronald Reagan. I merely said that I’d had a
layover at Ronald Reagan Airport on my way to North Carolina.
hillary.jpgWell, I find it disturbing that you would fly
into Ronald Reagan Airport when Dulles is still a more than serviceable
alternative.
obama.jpgThe record will show that I purchased a direct
flight from Detroit to Raleigh, but excessive turbulence forced the
pilot to make an unscheduled stopover in Washington. I admit that I
purchased a copy of Fantasy Baseball Preview at a newsstand
to pass the time while we waited for the weather to clear up. I have
been considering taking Joba Chamberlain as high as the third round
this year, a decision that I’m sure many of my fellow Americans are
wrestling with at this time.
hillary.jpgI believe you’ve displayed a tacit approval for
his presidency by your unwillingness to parachute out of the plane
before it touched down.
obama.jpgNothing could be further from the truth. I assure
the American people that if I’m elected president, I will constantly
refer to Ronald Reagan as history’s greatest monster.

Continue reading Be It Resolved: Reagan May Have Existed →

Parental Guidance

Yar, She Blows

If two’s a coincidence and three’s a trend, as all the marketing mavens tell us, then I have to wonder about current trend in children’s programming:

Pirates.

I don’t know when this happened. I certainly didn’t watch a lot of children’s programming between when I was a kid and when my child was born, but I don’t remember too many pirates in the shows I watched as a feckless youth. Most of my favorite shows were glorified infomercials for a series of action figures. Now that I think about it, I guess
that’s a form of piracy.

One example I see constantly is on The Wiggles , my baby’s favorite show. If you’ve never seen The Wiggles, it’s essentially four Australian guys singing surprisingly well-crafted songs. (They will get stuck in your head until you will be tempted to perform self trepanation. Trust me.) For 1-to-2-year-old babies, this shit is like heroin. One of the Wiggles’ many pals is a “friendly” pirate named Captain Feathersword. His pirate activity is limited to dancing with his crew, singing, and cackling maniacally, with very little emphasis on the plundering of booty.

Continue reading Yar, She Blows →