All posts by Matthew Callan

All A-Twitter

January 5, 2009 Matthew Callan

You may notice, eagle-eyed reader, that I’ve added a Twitter widget to Yon Navigation Column to the right. Twitter is a lot like Facebook or MySpace, minus everything but the updates. Really, it’s writing for people who hate words.

So why did I join up? Because a lot of practitioners of The Funny that I enjoy are already Twittering, and this is a convenient and still-legal way to stalk them. Also, I’m looking for any way to drive traffic to this here site that doesn’t involve plastering the page with ugly, spambot-driven ads.

By the by, if you have any ideas about I can increase Scratchbomb’s online profile–that don’t involve blinking banner ads with dancing silhouettes–I’m all ears.

Football, Media Morons, The Funny

The NBC Football Night in America Production of Paper Lion

January 5, 2009 Matthew Callan

NBC’s Football Night in America Wild Card Weekend Something or Other is proud to welcome former president of the Lions, Matt Millen. Thanks for being such a good sport and being with us, Matt. I have to say, though, I’m surprised your head is so big. I thought for sure it’d be canteloupe sized. Or at the very least, more of a pinhead shape.

No, no, I have a normal head.

Fascinating. So you are not legally required to wear some sort of helmet? Not even for insurance purposes? Because surely your skull is as soft as a newborn baby’s. I imagine it as one big fontanel.

All the seams in my skull knitted together a long time ago.

How about a dunce cap, do you usually wear that? Or a propeller beanie? Maybe one of those floppy crowns like Jughead wore?

I don’t care much for hats.

Continue reading The NBC Football Night in America Production of Paper Lion →

Football, Pundidiots, The Funny

The New York Douchebag Sportswriters Guild Decrees Eric Mangini’s Fate

December 31, 2008 Matthew Callan

As chairman of the New York Douchebag Sportswriters’ Guild, I, Mike Lupica, call this meeting to order. First item of business, all praise and worship be due to Gorlaqk the Dread.

Hail Gorlaqk!

Indeed, Murray Chass. Second item of business, it looks like Eric Mangini might have a job interview with the Cleveland Browns. Do we think this is the next best move for him? The floor recognizes Phil Mushnick.
No. Not only did he lead the Jets to a disastrous end, but he didn’t heed a word of our invaluable advice!

Shall we cut him any slack because that advice varied wildly among all of us from minute to minute?

Surely you jest! There is only one honorable thing for Mangini to do: take his own life.

My mustache and I agree. To go on living would do nothing but bring shame upon his ancestors. It would also make it seem as if our pointed barbs did no damage to his fragile psyche–which surely cannot be true!

I concur, Bob Raissman. So we’re agreed that Eric Mangini can only truly find peace in the icy grip of the grave. The question follows: What would be the best method?