All posts by Matthew Callan

The Funny

Zeb Fromulax, Appliance Hypnotherapist

hypnotist.JPGI AM ZEB FROMULAX, APPLIANCE HYPNOTHERAPIST! BRING UNTO ME AN APPLIANCE IN NEED OF AID!
Mr. Fromulax, my toaster has been acting up lately. It burns everything, even when I have the dial turned all the way down.

hypnotist.JPGLOOK INTO MY EYES, TOASTER! YOU ARE GETTING SLEEPY….SLEEPY….YOU ARE CALM! YOU ARE AT REST! YOU ARE GOOD TOASTER! YOU WILL FUNCTION WELL! YOU WILL NOT BURN BREAD-STUFFS UNLESS CALLED UPON TO DO SO! WHEN YOU AWAKE, YOU WILL SINGE FOOD ITEMS CONSISTENT WITH THE DESIRED TOAST SETTING!

NOW, BRING FORTH THE NEXT PATIENT!

Can you make my microwave cluck like a chicken?

hypnotist.JPGSIR, I AM NOT A PARLOR TRICKSTER! I AM AN APPLIANCE HYPNOTHERAPIST! I ASSIST APPLIANCES AND THEIR OWNERS IN THEIR GREATEST HOUR OF NEED! THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS, SIR!
Then why are you talking like that?

hypnotist.JPGIT IS THE HYPNOTHERAPIST’S CODE! YOU WOULD NOT UNDERSTAND SUCH THINGS! NOW BEGONE FROM MY SIGHT, SIR!

YES, MADAM? I SEE YOU HAVE A DVR!
Yeah, the In Demand won’t load for some reason.

hypnotist.JPGDVR, LOOK DEEP INTO MY EYES! YOU WANT TO FUNCTION! YOU WANT TO ALLOW YOUR OWNER TO WATCH LAST WEEK’S EPISODE OF “HOUSE”! YOU DO NOT WANT HER TO CALL UP THE CABLE COMPANY’S SUPPORT LINE, BECAUSE THEY’RE JUST GOING TO TELL HER TO REBOOT YOU, AND SHE’S DONE THAT LIKE FIVE TIMES ALREADY!

NOW YOU, SIR!

I got this toilet, the tank won’t fill up. I used to be able to jiggle the handle, but…

hypnotist.JPGA TOILET IS NOT AN APPLIANCE, SIR!
I guess not, but I figured since you were so good with the other stuff…

hypnotist.JPGSIR, I AM HIGHLY TRAINED IN APPLIANCE HYPNOTHERAPY! THAT IS MY SPECIALTY! I CAN NOT DABBLE IN OTHER FORMS OF HYPNOTHERAPY, NO MORE THAN A CARDIOLOGIST COULD TRY HIS HAND AT BRAIN SURGERY! OR A FURNITURE HYPNOTHERAPIST COULD ATTEMPT LIGHTING FIXTURE HYPNOTHERAPY!

Could you just give it a shot? I lugged this thing all the way down here.

hypnotist.JPGSIR, MY SECRETARY WILL GIVE YOU THE NAME AND NUMBER OF A QUALIFIED PLUMBING HYPNOTHERAPIST! I’M SURE HE CAN ASSIST YOU MORE ABLY THAN I!

1999 Project

1999 Project: Games 123-128

Click here for an intro/manifesto on The 1999 Project.

mcgwire_milk.jpgAugust 21, 1999: Mets 7, Cardinals 4

A six-game homestand for the Mets began with a rainout, which necessitated a doubleheader against the Cardinals. The inclement weather prompted Bobby Valentine to reorder his starting rotation. Orel Hershiser was set to start the series opener, but after warming up before a game that was never played, he would instead pitch in game two of the twinbill.

Meanwhile, the Braves won both of their games while the Mets were idle, meaning the two teams were once again tied for first. That made this a big homestand for the Mets, and not just because The Mark McGwire Show was in town.

Kenny Rogers started the first game of the series and did not fare well. He loaded the bases in the top of the first on two singles and a walk, then gave up a two-RBI single to future Met Fernando Tatis. Mike Piazza responded with a three-run homer in the bottom half, but Rogers couldn’t hold on to the lead, giving up three straight hits and a sac fly in the top of the third to put the Cards back on top, 4-3. Rogers was done after three innings, and was later revealed to be suffering from back spasms.

Once again, long man Pat Mahomes came to the rescue, throwing 3 1/3 scoreless, hitless innings that allowed the Mets to come back. They scratched out a run in the bottom of the third on a Shawon Dunston groundout to tie the game, then went ahead on a Rickey Henderson RBI single in the sixth. Two runs in the eighth (coming on another Dunston RBI groundout and a Benny Agbayani RBI single) padded their lead.

After Mahomes issued a one-out walk to J.D. Drew in the top of the seventh, Valentine turned to Turk Wendell to get McGwire out. No one seemed to know why, but Wendell was kryptonite for McGwire; he’d faced Big Mac six previous times and retired him in each instance. Despite a wild pitch that moved Drew to second, Wendell struck out McGwire to extend his history of inexplicable success against him.

He also worked around a one-out single to pitch a scoreless eighth inning. Armando Benitez closed out the game in style by striking out the side in order. The victory helped the Mets keep pace with Atlanta, who beat the Padres that day.

Continue reading 1999 Project: Games 123-128 →

Politics Schmolitics

Congratulations! You’ve Been Selected to Attend the Ted Kennedy Funeral!

tedkennedy.jpgYour email has been selected from over 30 million entries to attend the Ted Kennedy funeral. Congratulations! We appreciate your support in this sad and historic hour as we pay tribute to The King of Pop(ulist Causes)!

The ceremony is scheduled to begin at 11 am. However, because we anticipate enormous crowds, we suggest you arrive at the TD Garden at least two hours earlier. While you queue up to enter, you will pass by some historic Kennedy memorabilia, such as notes from his work on the Voting Rights Act of 1965, and the sequined glove he wore when he was first sworn in as a Senator in 1962.

Seating is available on a first-come-first-serve basis. Ticket holders who can not be accommodated at the Garden will be directed to Fenway Park, where the service will be simulcast on the Jumbotron.

Performers scheduled to appear include Kanye West, Diana Ross, Paul McCartney, and Capitol Steps, plus a very special duet with Whitney Houston and Sen. Dianne Feinstein. There will also be tributes to the late senator from Brooke Shields, Elizabeth Taylor, and Ann Wagner, United States ambassador to the Grand Duchy of Luxembourg.

Photography or videotaping of any kind is prohibited. If you want a lasting memento of this event, we suggest pre-ordering the DVD “Ted Kennedy: America Says Farewell”, which will be on sale at all Borders, Barnes and Nobles, and Whole Foods locations on September 15.