All posts by Matthew Callan

Holiday Triumphs 2009

Holiday Triumphs: Christmas Ads from 1985, Pt. 2–McDonaldspalooza

Truth be told, very few of these ads are strictly Christmas ads. Or even obliquely. But they come from the same VHS tape that spawned the first collection I posted last week, and I’d like to maintain the continuity implied by my previous post. It’s my own web-based form of OCD.

Also, this portion of the tape contained some true McDonalds gems from years past. Once upon a time, McDonalds didn’t just run ad campaigns. They were more like ad battle plans: attacks on every conceivable front, using every conceivable tactic, and about as devastating (to the arteries, anyway). There were show stopping dance routines, simplistic set pieces, and cutesy spots that tugged at the heartstrings.

Plus, tons of ads aimed squarely at children. Did McDonalds have qualms about pitching horrifically unhealthy food to impressionable tykes? No, no they did not.

But first, the adult ads. For some reason, a huge number of these spots are obsessed with the HOTNESS of McDonalds food. I don’t know if they were accused of producing lukewarm food, or if this was a particular issue at the time. (I vaguely recall a Time Magazine cover story from this era that wondered, “Are Our Fast Food Burgers Too Cold?”)

Regardless of the cause, in 1985, McDonalds wanted to make sure everyone knew how hot their food was. And just so nobody could miss the message, they created a commercials aimed at specific groups. Like this one, which is clearly pitched to people who love neon.


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Holiday Horrors 2009

Holiday Horrors: Hannukah Songs

For other Holiday Horrors posts, click here.

This falls under the category of “stuff that makes me sad for no good reason”, as mentioned in my last Holiday Horrors post. Note that “Songs” in the title is plural. I assume many people can’t name a Hannukah song other than “Dreidel Dreidel Dreidel”, and I’m not sure that even qualifies under the legal definition of a song. It’s more like a jingle.

No, there really aren’t any Hannukah songs, just like there really aren’t any Easter songs or Thanksgiving songs. It’s not a holiday that’s inspired too many composers to bang out a tune. But, if you were ever in the school band or chorus as a kid (or a parent of one), you know that Hannukah songs exist.

Because school music departments buy their sheet music (which is really expensive) in packages, usually themed. And the holiday packages inevitably include some “Hannukah song” for the purposes of inclusion. You will never have heard of this song, even if you’re Jewish, because this song/composition was probably written by some guy at The Sheet Music Company to pad out the aforementioned package. (There weren’t any Kwanzaa tunes when I was a kid, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they exist now.)

So the school band conductor/chorus leader, not wanting anyone to feel left out (or let very expensive sheet music go to waste), has his young charges perform the song at the holiday concert. Even though, again, no one in attendance has ever heard of it. The song inevitably sounds like a number cut from Fiddler on the Roof in early rehearsals, and has a vague title like “Festival of Lights”. And to emphasize it’s tossed-off-edness, it is wedged into the program right before the showstopping Christmas medley.

When I was a kid, this always made me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed for any Jewish kids/families at my school, even though I couldn’t quite put my finger on why. I guess because it’s a strange, ham-fisted approach to cultural sensitivity. As if doing anything will be enough, even if it has little to no relevance to the culture involved–or is borderline insulting. “Hey, to honor your Italian heritage, I made a bowl of pasta and threw a Frank Sinatra album on top of it, and set it out on the dining room table as a decorative centerpiece. No need to thank me!”

Around this time every year, I always think of those weird, anonymous Hannukah tunes that everyone was forced to play and nobody liked. And I wonder if kids and parents still sit in stuffy school auditoriums, squirming with discomfort just hearing them.

Holiday Horrors 2009

Holiday Horrors: Drug Store Gift Sets

For other Holiday Horrors posts, click here.

Weird things make me sad. Like signs that say GOING OUT OF BUSINESS, or old broken toys heaped on the curb for garbage pickup. I have no true connection to whatever situation has transpired, and yet the sight of these things gives me a deep, untouchable melancholy feeling.

In this category, I put drug store gift sets. If you’ve been to a CVS or Duane Reade around the holidays, you know of what I speak. They’re usually toiletry related, like a set of brushes or a manicure set or five identically smelling but differently colored bath scents. They come in red and green boxes, and they usually have a preprinted price tag as part of the cardboard packaging, held on by a perforated hinge, so you can rip it off and no one will know how cheap you are.

I can not fully express how sad the sight of these gift sets makes me. No one wants to get them. No one wants to give them. If you’re buying them, you’re either buying them for someone you barely care about, or because you’re too broke to get something better. And regardless of the reason, no one who receives them is happy.

Wow. I am so bummed out now I have to go lie down. Thanks, Walgreens.