All posts by Matthew Callan

Holiday Horrors 2009

Holiday Horrors: The Star Wars Holiday Special

For other Holiday Horrors posts, click here.

As I wrote about “Do They Know It’s Christmas”, The Star Wars Holiday Special has been mocked so often it’s almost cliche. But unlike the Band Aid song, The Star Wars Holiday Special has never helped anyone. And it has hurt everyone who has watched it. It may, in fact, be one of the worst things ever done on television (or to television, if you prefer).

George Lucas once said he wished he could destroy all existing copies of the special with a sledgehammer. Considering this is the guy who thought The Phantom Menace was great, you know the special has to be really, really bad.

In case you’re not familiar with the story behind The Star Wars Holiday Special (and if you’re not, please hand in your Nerd Card immediately), here’s how it went down. In 1978, Lucas was already hard at work on The Empire Strikes Back, but was pressured by 20th Century Fox to have something Star Wars-related for the Christmas season that year.

As they say, failure is an orphan, so no one claims any responsibility for what followed. Lucas allowed a holiday special to be made, but has repeatedly stated he had virtually nothing to do with making it. He basically okayed or vetoed sketch ideas, most of them devised by a crew of 70s variety show scribes (including the omnipresent Bruce Vilanch). Predictably, this led to a bunch of very bad, very 1970s variety elements. If you took out all the Star Wars characters and replaced them with Paul Lynde and Donnie and Marie, you would not notice any difference.

Lucas’s biggest involvement came with a 10-minute cartoon segment, which marked the first ever appearance of Boba Fett, thus explaining why this special still inspires huge Nerd Boners. But even if Lucas washed his hands of the thing, all of the main Star Wars characters appeared in the special, played by the original actors. They were not spared the stain of this special, which soiled everyone it touched.

The premise of the special: Han Solo tries to avoid imperial ships so he can get Chewbacca back to his home planet in time for Life Day. We see Chewbacca’s family for the first time (and never again), including his son, Lumpy (!) and his father, Itchy (!). The writers must have thought everyone would be fluent in Wookie by Christmastime, because 75 percent of the show consists of Chewbacca’s relatives barking at each other, with no subtitles.

And this is possibly the least insane aspect of the special. It features Art Carney as a trader, who protects Chewie’s family while also delivering a weirdly erotic hologram to Itchy. Harvey Korman appears briefly for no good reason, as does Jefferson Starship (!). And Bea Arthur plays the owner of the infamous cantina, who sings a song about ejecting rowdy patrons from the premises.

If you can stand it, some sadist has posted the entire thing to the web here. I defy anyone to watch the entire thing in one sitting, or not feel like you’ve shaved years off your lifespan every time you view it. Though it’s become a pop culture whipping boy, it is thoroughly deserving of that mantle.

It is so awful that it out-sucks another Star Wars Christmas cash-in: Christmas in the Stars, a 1980 holiday album with tunes such as “What Do You Get a Wookie for Christmas (When He Already Has a Comb?)”. Just in case you thought George Lucas raping his own franchise began with the prequels, just know that he was perfectly willing to sell out Star Wars when he had only one movie under his belt.

Football, Holiday Horrors 2009

Holiday Horrors: The Giants Sing Holiday Halftime

For other Holiday Horrors posts, click here.

When you think of sports teams recording songs, you no doubt think of the Golden Era of Athletic Musicianship: The 1980s. “The Superbowl Shuffle”. “Let’s Go Mets”. That Jamaican bobsled song. True classics that have stood the test of time.

But there were several earlier instances of a team lending their golden pipes to musical projects. In 1969, all 28 NFL teams recorded a collection of holiday favorites. If the cover of this version is any indication, the project was initiated by the players’ union, not the NFL itself. You’ll also notice that Santa loves good ol’ smash mouth football, as he tries to gouge out a running back’s eyes.

I have only heard one song from one of these collections: “Jingle Bells”, as sung by the New York Giants on The Giants Sing Holiday Halftime. In the early 70s, Jean Shepherd often used this song as bed music while be told a Christmas tale, and sometimes just played it straight up.

I will give the Giants this: They certainly sounded like they were into it. Though the spirit might have been willing, the throats were weak. Very weak. Especially since the arranger decided to modulate the song to higher and higher keys as it went along, a decision that stretched the Giants’ already limited singing skills past their breaking points. I would say they should’ve stuck to their day jobs, but they weren’t that great at that, either; the Giants went 6-8 in 1969.

You can hear the original tune at the Jean Shepherd fan site FlickLives.com by clicking here. They also have a clip of Shep explaining why he enjoyed playing it so much, which you can listen to here (although he misidentifies the offending team as the Jets).

Politics Schmolitics

Joe Lieberman for Noregretifan

lieberman.jpgPeople always ask me, “Joe, after you’ve cozied up with insurance bigwigs and blocked health care reform for no reason but to grab the national spotlight and stroke your own ego, how can you sleep at night?”

The answer is, Like a baby! Now that I have Noregretifan, that is!

Nogretifan is not an ordinary sleeping pill, and it’s not for everyone. Because Noregretifan is designed specifically for people like me. People who’ve done, horrible, unforgiveable things in their lives, yet still want a good night’s sleep!

Just listen to these testimonials!

I had a terrible time getting rest after I hid my mother’s death from the authorities so I could continue cashing her Social Security checks! Noregretifan took care of that! If only Nogretifan could take care of that terrible smell from my attic! — Bill S., Des Moines, IA

I hit a midlife crisis and left my wife and kids for some skank half my age. You wouldn’t think I could get any shut-eye at all. But I can, thanks to Noregretifan! — Mark D., Vallejo, CA

I know a man like me doesn’t deserve to sleep at night. Hell, I laid off half my staff last year and still pulled in a big Christmas bonus! Luckily, Noregretifan helps me keep my nightly date with The Sandman!  — Allan W., New York

How does Noregretifan work? Is it addictive? Does it have any side effects? I don’t know, and I don’t want to know! I have enough things on my mind as it is! All I know is, it keeps those nasty voices out of my brain when my head hits the pillow. You know, all those voices that tell me I’m doing something really selfish and petty that could lead to the impoverishment and death of millions of my fellow Americans!

Whether you’re a legislator with a Napoleon complex, a tionhorn tyrant, or just your average workaday sociopath, ask your doctor about Noregretifan! If you’re one of the dwindling number of Americans who can afford go to the doctor, that is!