All posts by Matthew Callan

Football

Rex Ryan “Apologizes”

Thumbnail image for rexryan.jpgI am TRULY sorry for flipping off someone at an MMA fight in Miami this weekend. That behavior was unacceptable and I’m sorry if I EMBARRASSED the Jets organization.

Yes, it was wrong of me to attend a private event and be heckled by drunk idiots all night. In the future, I will be more careful about being in the presence of inebriated, foul-mouthed morons for extended periods of time.

Sure, extending my middle finger to someone was probably the least offensive thing occurring in that arena at the time, as I sat 50 feet away from two men beating each other mercilessly in a quote-unquote sport that’s one step removed from bum fights. Not to mention that one of those men was a retired running back whose presence turned an already sordid event into a full-blown freak show.

But hey, none of that makes what I did any less wrong. Nor does the Daily News and Post sanctimoniously tsk-tsking me for my “shocking” actions, while also putting a picture of said shocking action on their front pages. Not to mention that one of those papers has no problem running a regular advice column penned by a former hooker. No, their rampant hypocrisy does not excuse what I did.

Finally, I want to make it clear that my apology is completely sincere, despite the fact that I’ve been making an exaggerated jerk-off gesture the entire time I delivered it.

Warm Thoughts for a Cold Winter

Warm Thoughts for a Cold Winter: Mel Allen for Atari + “Gathering Crowds”

Mel Allen, longtime Yankees broadcaster and the voice of This Week in Baseball, did many a commercial in his day. Enjoy this one from the early 80s, in which Mr. How ‘Bout That shills for an Atari baseball game with an unhealthy amount of reverb on his voice. Realistic graphics!

Speaking of This Week in Baseball, I have several episodes of it from the late 80s and early 90s in The Vast and Dusty Scratchbomb VHS Archives. I would love to digitize and share them with all of you, really I would. But as I’ve said many times, MLBAM would come down on me like a ton of bricks for doing so.

As a meager substitute, please accept “Gathering Crowds”, the TWIB end credits theme song used for, oh, about 900 years. This song actually makes me mist up a little bit. DON’T JUDGE.

Also, don’t ask me to explain the assemblage of still images in this “video”. I am not responsible for its visual content, but I am grateful for the audio.

Boob Tubery, Videocracy

YouTubery Friday: Charlie Brooker and The Craziest Video Ever

It’s Friday! Procrastinate and count down to happy hour with these lovely bits!

Several friends of mine on the The Twitter and The Facebook posted a link to this video yesterday. It’s British funnyman/commentator Charlie Brooker showing the essential elements needed in any news segment. Though this was done on the other side of the pond, it’s clear that such rules transcend borders.

This reminded me, Hey, Charlie Brooker’s pretty damn funny! Brooker hosts Newswipe on BBC4 (yes, there’s four of them now) and is known for his adept, savage skewering of the media. I know the word skewering is tossed off every time someone takes shots at The Boob Tube, but Brooker’s pieces are truly worthy of that adjective. Think of Jon Stewart in his best moments of righteous indignation, but angrier and more Cockney.

Like his take on American news media, pitched at a British audience blissfully unfamiliar with the likes of Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck.

Brooker can be just as good when going after less serious topics, as in this clip, where he lists “The 10 Biggest Cocks in Advertising”. (Cock = douche, jerk, etc. He’s not naming the 10 Biggest Cocks in the Greg Oden sense.) I’m not really familiar with most of these ads, but Brooker tears them apart so well–in ways both clever and silly–that it doesn’t matter. Funny is funny.

Or this spot-on (as the Brits say) takedown of MTV’s My Sweet 16. “I think this might be an Al Qaeda recruitment video.”

Just a brief sampling of the peeved hilarity Mr. Brooker has to offer. You could spend hours watching his collected works on the YouTubes. So go ahead! It’s only Friday. C’mon, you checked out of work by lunch on Wednesday, didn’t you?

Finally, Aziz Ansari posted a video on his web site that is, no joke, the craziest thing you will probably ever see. I cannot embed it, so you’ll have to click there and take my word for it.

The video is an pregame intro for an Alaskan collegiate hockey team, featuring their CGI polar bear mascot. It is not cheap, tossed-off CGI. If anything, this video is a little too well done. I will not ruin any of the madness for you. Suffice to say that, if you took Chuck Norris and The Punisher, and multiplied them by infinity, then multiplied them by INSANITY, they would still look like pussies compared to this polar bear.