All posts by Matthew Callan

The Continued Adventures of Open Letters

tonybennettOpen Letter to Miley Cyrus:

What’s with all this twerking jazz, sweetheart? Trust me, you don’t have to work blue to make your mark in show biz. I’ve kept it clean for 60 some odd years and I’ve done okay, if I do say so myself. Just a little tip from Tony to you. And if you’re up for it, I think we could do a killer duet on “Bess You Is My Woman Now” for my next platter. Whaddya say?

—Tony Bennett

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Open Letter to Tony Bennett:

Miley rulz you old mummy lol

—Justin Timberlake

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2ChainzOpen Letter to JT:

How dare you speak to Tony Bennett like that? He is an American treasure. You’d be lucky to accomplish one scintilla of what this man has done. For shame. Also, you’re not funny and you never will be, no matter how many SNL writers put words in your mouth.

— 2 Chainz

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tonybennettOpen Letter to Mr. 2 Chainz:

I have no idea who you are, but I appreciate your words of support. If you wanna duet on my next album, just name the tune. I will literally sing any song with anybody. I just need to get the new LP in the can before my internal organs turn into dust.

— Tony Bennett

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genesimmonsOpen Letter to Mr. Bennett:

I find it deplorable that you would offer to duet with 2 Chainz when you have yet to answer my call to collaborate on a KISS duet album. With your current “great American songbook” schtick, you are severely limiting yourself to the over-70 market. Join Paul on a chorus of “Ladies in Waiting” and I guarantee you will tap into that over-60 market.

— Gene Simmons

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grohlOpen Letter to Everybody:

I don’t know anything about this Miley Cyrus business, but if any of you are collaborating with one another on duets and such, you must use me as your drummer. I’ll refer you to HR 1207, signed into law on September 9, 2006, which states that I am the only drummer in rock. Failure to employ me on your next once-off venture will result in swift legal action.

— Dave Grohl

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skrillexOpen Letter to Mr. Grohl:

BWAAAAH, BUP-BUP-BUP-BWAAAH

G-G-G-G-G-ZHHHHHHH, PEWWWWW, BWAAAAH.

— Skrillex

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gore vidalOpen Letter to Skrillex:

Well done, sir. Your witty rejoinder to Mr. Grohl’s communiqué reminded me of some of the spirited exchanges I once had with a certain Mr. Buckley. I’m so glad to see the epistolary arts revived, and in such a lively fashion.

— Gore Vidal

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William Buckley. Photo Grant Peterson 781025. Scanned from Fairfax Archive.Open Letter to Mr. Vidal:

With all due respect to your considerable powers of perception, this puerile feud is nothing like the ripostes we exchanged in days of yore. Also, you are deceased and cannot write letters, open or otherwise.

— William F. Buckley

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gore vidalOpen Letter to William F. Buckley:

You’re dead too, you know.

— Gore

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William Buckley. Photo Grant Peterson 781025. Scanned from Fairfax Archive.Open Letter to Gore Vidal:

* decomposes *

— William F. Buckley

Bathroom, 1993

Mr. Rossi teaches Regents Global History, and he is a loser. That sounds harsh and unfair, and it is, but it is also true.

If you see Mr. Rossi, you recognize in a few second, There stands a loser. There are no shortage of losers at my school, and in my more honest moments I count myself among their ranks. But kid losers can’t compare to grown-up losers. As a kid, you figure being grown up removes several layers of loserdom from your surface. Adults can drive, live in their own places, do what they want. Those adults who can’t shed this skin are especially deserving of our contempt and laughter, and none get more of both than Mr. Rossi.

All losers search for at least one person they can stand atop and say, “At least I’m not that guy.” Mr. Rossi is that guy.

Mr. Rossi is shorter than most of his students. He is pudgy, which is somehow worse than being straight-up fat, and he accentuates his pudginess by insisting on wearing horizontally striped polo shirts to school. His hairline is beginning to recede. Midyear, he attempts to grow a mustache, and the thing comes in patchy and sad. He looks like a far less adventurous Mario.

Mr. Rossi still lives with his mom. Someone with more self awareness would have made sure the teenagers under his watch never found this out, but Mr. Rossi just told us, like the fact wasn’t a cudgel kids would use against him. He lives with his mom in a crappy part of Newburgh, a rough town. Once, a stray bullet whisked through his living room and missed hitting him by inches. He told us this too. Had this happened to someone else, it would have been terrifying, or bestowed upon him some stripe of badass-ery. But since it happened to Mr. Rossi, it’s hilarious.

Continue reading Bathroom, 1993

56th Drive, 6:24am

This morning, while reaching the end of a run, I begin to see the telltale signs of a film shoot. First, orange cones, warding off potential parkers like sentinels. Then, a crane idling at the side of the road, ready to be called on for some grand swooping Touch of Evil shot, and a cop car up the block standing watch, with the cop inside tapping away at his phone. After that, an enormous tractor trailer full of lighting supplies. Little doors open at the truck’s base, peacocking its carefully arranged elbow joints and deconstructed scaffolding.

Laminated pink notices are posted to all the stop signs and street signs. None divulge the name of the production. There’s been more than a few film shoots in the neighborhood of late. Last spring, Girls filmed here, and Nurse Jackie was a frequent visitor for a while. There are many spots over here that look like what you think Queens looks like, whether you want Industry or you want Archie Bunker.

I get close enough to see that the filming is going on outside of a factory. Fake squad cars and fake ambulances spray the street with their fake red flashers. It’s still dark, but the street is lit up like Times Square. If you want to convey that it’s the middle of the night on film, you need a hell of a lot of lighting.

Years ago, I wrote a short story about a girl who comes home from a long day at work and discovers she can’t get to her apartment because a film crew has taken over the block. She is warded off by imperious location people who are deaf to her pleas that she just wants to go home and sit on her own couch. A PA gives the peace offering of making her an extra in the scene. They tell her to come out of a building, her building, walk down the steps, and cross the street. She will be far in the background, far away from the action of the scene. She has done this a million times. But when they start shooting, the director doesn’t like the composition. It doesn’t look right to him. The girl doesn’t know what she’s doing wrong. She’s told she’s not doing anything wrong, really, but she just doesn’t look like she should be there. She’s told she is not good enough to be in the background of her own street.

I sent this story everywhere. It would be easier to tell you where I did not send this story. Nobody wanted it. The rejection notices seemed especially pointed to me then, but then they always do. It withered on a hard drive and died when that computer did.

I hadn’t thought about that story in years. I’d completely forgotten the hope I once had for it. The story came back to me on 56th Drive, as I saw fake cops and fake EMTs scramble under lamps to make their movements look more night-like, and I wondered if one day I’d have the privilege of seeing my own home on a screen somewhere.