All posts by Matthew Callan

Baseball

Stupid Knows No Holiday

madden_bill.jpgMost of us red-blooded Americans enjoyed a long weekend for the Fourth of July, but Bill Madden of the New York Daily News was hard at work on one of the dumbest, lamest columns I’ve ever read. You may have missed this piece of work as you barbecued or blew your arm off with a mortar, but I caught it.

This is a time of year where we’re supposed to celebrate those who made possible all of our cherished freedoms, but this column almost made me wish we were a little less free. It not only subtracted a few IQ points off of its readers, but it also shaved thinner the dividing line between Sports Nerd and Comic Book Geek.

Recently, I took Madden to task for some remarks he made on WFAN about George Steinbrenner, as he promoted his biography of The Boss. The Daily News article also involved Steinbrenner, but in the dorkiest way possible. In my last post about Madden, I just thought the longtime sportswriter was just being myopic and selective in his memories of the Yankees’ owner. Now I think Madden might be in love with him. Because in Madden’s world, through Steinbrenner, all things are possible.

Here’s the premise of his column, entitled “If Boss Ruled Knicks”: In the alternate universe where George Steinbrenner owns the Knicks, LeBron James would sign with them in a minute, because George Steinbrenner is magical and everything he touches turns to gold.

Why is Madden even contemplating such a fantasy world this weekend? Because as you all know, George Steinbrenner was born on the Fourth of July. You all know this because Steinbrenner himself would be more than happy to drill that fact into your head with all the trumped-up patriotism in which he wrapped his team over the years. (Not so much from his Watergate-related conviction, but then again, what’s more American than illegal campaign contributions?)

It’s not until you get 3/4 of the way through the column that Madden mentions a deal that almost went down in the late 1990s, in which the Yankees, Knicks, and Rangers would’ve been part of one huge Cablevision-owned conglomerate. That fact makes Madden’s fantasia at least plausible. But even if this deal had happened, do you think egos such as Steinbrenner’s and the Dolans’ could’ve coexisted long enough to allow The Boss to still be involved with the Knicks more than a decade later? Of course not. Within 6 months, somebody would’ve dropped out or been murdered.

Marvel Comics used to have a series called What If…?, where various hypotheticals of the Marvel Universe were explored. Madden has basically written that, in one of the largest newspapers in America, about two of the biggest figures in sports. It’s not journalism. It’s not even opinion. It’s fan fiction. If the Daily News is going to publish stuff like this, why don’t they just run short stories written by 15 year olds where Buffy the Vampire Slayer meets Jack Skellington?
Continue reading Stupid Knows No Holiday →

Basketball

Negotiations Continue with LeBron’s Jersey

lebronjersey.jpgPHILADELPHIA, PA — LeBron James’ jersey, the most sought after free agent jersey in the National Basketball Association, continues to conduct meetings with interested teams today. The media has descended on Mitchell and Ness headquarters in Pennsylvania as LeBron James’ jersey tries to come to a decision. It is the most highly anticipated free agent jersey signing since Kobe Bryant’s jersey switched its number in 2006.

In the 48 hours since the NBA’s free agent signing period began, LeBron James’ jersey–arguably one of the most famous jerseys in all of sports–has already met with the Miami Heat, the Chicago Bulls, the New York Knicks, and the New Jersey Nets. The Los Angeles Clippers and Cleveland Cavaliers will conference with the jersey at some point today.

With all teams expected to offer LeBron James’ jersey the maximum amount allowed by the NBA’s salary cap, other incentives will come into play in the jersey’s decision. The Nets have pitched their red, white, and blue color scheme, while the Heat hope that their wide array of home and away uniform styles will intrigue the jersey.

The Golden State Warriors have not been considered a serious suitor for LeBron James’ jersey as of yet. But some insiders feel that if the team was able to clear some cap room, they could enter the hunt. Golden State could be an interesting destination for LeBron James’ jersey, despite a dearth of on-court talent and a front office in rebuilding mode, because of the team’s array of sweet throwback unis.

“Can you image LeBron James’ jersey in one of those sick ‘The City’ tops from the early 70s?” asked one league GM. “They’d fly off the shelves. It’d make the Warriors unstoppable, from a marketing standpoint.”

Meanwhile, in Beaverton, Oregon, the buzz around LeBron James’ shoes has been far less brisk, but is expected to pick up once LeBron James’ jersey finally comes to a decision.

“Once LeBron James’ jersey signs, I expect to see a scramble for the next tier of free agent merchandise,” guessed another league GM. “LeBron’s shoes, Dwayne Wade’s jersey, and Chris Bosh’s sweatbands would go next, I think. And other teams may hope to avoid this drama next year. I hear the Nuggets are trying to work out an extension with Carmelo Anthony’s sleeve thingy.”

The Funny

Norman Lear Meets Albert Camus

FX’s new show, Louie, has only aired two episodes, but it might already be the best show on TV. Party Down would’ve given it a run for its money, but as of yesterday, Party Down no longer exists. (Hey Starz, go zuck it.) I don’t mean Louie is the best comedy-starring-a-stand-up-legend, or the best sitcom, or the best show on non-network TV. I feel like it is already better than 98% of anything currently airing on TV, anywhere.

Granted, I had high hopes for this show already, since I am a huge, huge fan of the stand-up of the show’s creator/writer/director, Louis C.K. And he also wrote for Conan O’Brien, Chris Rock, and The Dana Carvey Show, so his comedy pedigree could not be higher.

But I also had high hopes for his last foray into sitcomery, HBO’s Lucky Louie, and that didn’t quite work out. For that show, Louis C.K. wanted to make a modern Norman Lear-type sitcom, with threadbare sets and working class characters. It was an awesome idea, but one that didn’t quite make it. I don’t know if it was a failure of concept or execution, but it just never clicked into place. I REALLY tried to love Lucky Louie, I really did, but I could never make it past “like”. HBO must have agreed, since they canceled it after one season.

That’s why I don’t believe my judgment is clouded by my feelings about the parties involved, and I can honestly say that Louie is outstanding. It is simultaneously the funniest and darkest thing I’ve seen on TV in years. It is jam packed with LOLs and has moments of despair as bleak as anything you’ve seen on The Sopranos or The Wire–often at the same time.

Louis C.K. basically plays himself, a divorced dad of two stumbling his way back into the single world. It also features clips of his stand-up, which as a sort of Greek chorus to the rest of the action, and are easily the funniest thing on the show. That’s not a comment on the rest of the show–it’s a comment on how Louis C.K. is one of the best stand-up comedians alive. (Video below via Videogum)

I was practically in tears at the last half of this set. And as I laughed, part of me thought, Jesus Christ, why am I laughing at this? Because in pure substance, what Louis C.K. is saying is HORRIFYING. And not in a gross-out way. In a “we’re all gonna die and life is meaningless” way.

Just look at it written down: How “the best case scenario” for any relationship is “you’re gonna lose your best friend and just walk back from D’Agostino’s every day with heavy bags and wait for your turn to be nothing also”. Or how bringing a puppy home is saying to your family, “Look everyone, we’re all gonna cry soon! I brought home us crying in a few years! Countdown to sorrow!”

The only reason this doesn’t sound like a suicide note is because it’s presented comedically, in a Comedy Context, so we can all laugh and say, “Yeah, you’re right, most things we think are important are really kinda pointless, and when you get right down to it, that’s funny.”

Ask yourself: When was the last time TV show came even close to saying something like that?

But the non-stand-up segments are amazing, too. One thing this show does extremely well: showing New York in its actual cramped, annoying glory. It’s not the Sex and the City New York, but much closer to the real New York, where people live in tiny, shitty apartments and there’s traffic and everybody’s sweaty and weird.

In the first episode, Louie picks up a girl at her apartment for what turns out to be the most awkward date in the history of time (he shows up wearing a suit, while she prepares to hit the town in a tank top, and it all goes downhill from there). As they’re leaving her apartment building, he tries to open the front door for her, but opening the door traps her in one corner of the building’s tiny vestibule. He closes the door just enough to let her through, then makes a fumbling attempt to kiss her, made even more uncomfortble the claustrophobic setting. The scene lasted maybe 20 seconds, but it’s the most perfect, New York-y scene I’ve seen in a long time.

Louie is also one of the best directed and edited shows on TV in many years. It’s so artfully done, which is amazing considering it’s made on a relatively low budget and a tight shooting schedule (see this Onion AV Club interview for full deets). Like the scene in the vestibule, which was shot from above, all in one take, so you could feel just how awkward and interminable that moment felt. He might have been able to wring more cheap laughs out of close-ups and quick cuts, but obviously the feeling he wanted to convey was more important than the laughs-per-square-inch.

To me, that’s a sign of maturity. Louie is not needy. It’s a show that already knows exactly what it is and trusts that people will understand it.

I can’t remember the last time I was so impressed with the first two episodes of anything, and not since Annie Hall has someone so skillfully tread the line between comedy and sorrow. Louie is a work of art, and I think you should watch it if you like things that are amazing.