All posts by Matthew Callan

Football, Media Morons

Mike Francesa on How to Properly Disgrace Yourself

francesa.jpgI know I’ve said this many times, but it bears repeatin. The Jets are a uttah disgrace. I’m gonna say it an additional time, because I feel so strongly about it: The Jets are a uttah disgrace. And I’m gonna say this yet another additional time, just in case you forgot what I said while I was saying this sentence: The Jets are an uttah disgrace.

First of all, they did nothin but tawk all offseason. Tawk and tawk and tawk about how great they are. I’ve never heard anyone tawk for so long about so little. Sounded like a broken record. They gotta take a cue from me. I talk five hours a day, and I never repeat myself. Ever. Never, ever repeat myself. Ever.

First they got themselves on this Hard Knocks thing, and Rex Ryan’s cursing like a longshoreman. You don’t hafta work blue to motivate men, Rex. Just look at me. I don’t say a single cuss word on this show, and millions of people hang on my every word. These idiots could just go comment on a blog or the Tweetah or whatevah, and yet they wait on hold for three hours just to hear me yell at em. That’s called powah. Take a tip from the mastah, okay?

Then they harrass this reportah who’s just tryin to do her job. Whethah or not she was an actual reportah or actually felt harassed is not important. The point is, we were all talkin about it for weeks. Therefore, somethin bad happened.

Then you got Braylon Edwards blowin a 2-point-whatevah on the blood alcohol thing. You don’t get behind the wheel when you’re tanked on the sawce, Braylon. You’re lucky you didn’t kill a man like your buddy Donte Stallworth; then you would spent a whole 30 days in jail! You make a lotta money, fella. You can afford to get a drivah. Or to get your car outfitted with an IV drip of Diet Coke, like mine. That sobahs you up real quick.

If the Jets wanna know how to be a disgrace, they should take a page outta the Giants’ book. They were an uttah disastah on Sunday, but at least they had the decency to be quietly undisciplined and sloppy. None of this mouthin off, none of this showboating. They just went out and stunk up the joint. With class.

Eli Manning is a professional. When he throws a dumb interception with his left hand, he just hangs his head and walks off the field. And you don’t see none of this stupid celebrating on defense neither. Nobody was poundin their chest or doin the dougie when they commit an idiotic chop block in the end zone to give Tennessee a safety.

Rex Ryan could learn somethin from Tom Coughlin, too. He don’t curse at his playahs. He just bends at the waist and slowly gets reddah and reddah. A man’s skin tone can convey a lot more than a man’s words. That’s why I paint myself bright orange for Mike’d Up every week.

Folks, there’s a right way and a wrong way to disgrace yourself. The wrong way is the loudmouth, classless, criminal Jets’ way. The right way is the Giants quiet, dignified sucking. Of course, it’s best of all to not suck, but if you do have to suck, the Giants way is the way to do it.

Comin up, I’m gonna go over all the other NFL action this weekend. We’ll talk the Cowboys’ big win, and then I’ll covah all the othah games based on the same two-minute segments on SportsCenter that you saw last night. Then, I’m gonna talk about the Yankees for four hours. Back aftah this.

Tuneage

My Musical Based on the Oeuvre of the Band Orleans is a Guaranteed Goldmine

orleans.jpgI am prepared to let you in on a golden opportunity, a once in a lifetime kind of thing. I have the exclusive rights to a musical based on the music of Orleans, and with financial backing like yours, we can bring Still the One! it to Broadway.

No, “Still the One” was not their only song. I think you’re forgetting a little song called “Dance with Me”, not to mention the countless other hits they made famous, whose names escape me at this time. This musical uses their entire catalog, up to and including 2008’s Obscurities, an unjustly overlooked masterpiece. By my calculations, you would stand to receive a return on your investment of approximately eleventy-bazillion percent. Give or take.

Think about it. The theater-going public can not get enough of these jukebox musicals like Mamma Mia and Jersey Boys. But none of them contain the music of Orleans. No one’s even tried yet! We swoop in, fill the void, and watch the cash roll in. Between road productions, soundtrack sales, and other related revenue streams, this musical will make a trillion dollars, easy.

You’re exactly right, no musical has ever made anywhere near a trillion dollars. Another gap we can fill!

How do we do it? Generate buzz through controversy. This is the musical the members of Orleans don’t want you to see. Original guitarist/vocalist Larry Hoppen begged me to sell the rights to “Still the One” to one of those bullshit multi-artist musicals like Rock of Ages. He was all like, “That’s real money to me! I got kids in college!” But I insisted that the full, true story of Orleans had to be told. In musical form!

We see Orleans as they struggle to make it during their early days in upstate New York. We see Rolling Stone name them “the best unrecorded band in America”. We see “Still the One” catapult them into stardom and a spot on a legendary tour with Jackson Browne. And just as superstardom is handed to them, it’s snatched away when songwriter John Hall departs to pursue a solo career and eventually become a US Congressman!

No, that’s not the whole thing! That’s just Act One! This thing is epic! We need three whole acts to tell the story of Orleans’ triumphant reformation in 1979! The tragic death of original drummer Wells Kelly while touring with Meat Loaf! Their historic appearance at Woodstock ’94! Their heated debate over whether to let Burger King use “Still the One” in a commercial! I defy you to name me something that has more drama than this!

Okay, the 20 things you just mentioned are somewhat more dramatic than the story of Orleans, granted, but…alright, you can stop naming things now.

How did I get the rights to this musical? I won them in a poker game. Does it matter? Would it make any difference to you if you found out that the original production of Cats was produced on a dare?

No, that’s not actually true. I’m just asking if it would make a difference to you.

You think this one over, because I can’t extend this offer forever. I’ve had this hot property for almost 17 years now, so obviously it’s just a matter of time before someone beats you to the punch.

If you change your mind, I’ll be right here at my desk in the office furniture section of Target, at least until closing time.

Baseball

Scientists Warn of Steinbrenner Monument’s Effects on the Earth’s Orbit

steinmonument.jpgNEW YORK–Scientists cautioned that the new monument dedicated to George Steinbrenner, unveiled at Yankee Stadium Monday night, may have negative effects on several of the Earth’s astronomical functions. Despite warnings from the scientific community at large, the UN, and several prominent clergymen, construction of the monument–which used 92 percent of the earth’s available deposits of granite–continued unabated for the past year.

“It will definitely influence the earth’s gravitational pull,” said Dr. Henrik Lundegaard, professor of geophysics at Princeton University. “It will probably also have some consequences for the planet’s revolution around the sun.” Lundegaard estimated that, due the monument’s colossal size, “the calendar year will probably lengthen a full day by the year 2031, and exponentially more each year thereafter, which will have untold consequences for life as we know it.”

The Yankees were unfazed by such revelations. “I think it’s a fitting tribute to The Boss,” said shortstop Derek Jeter. “All he wanted to do was win, and what bigger victory is there than beating the tilt of the Earth’s axis?”

“We all loved Mr. Steinbrenner,” said pitcher Andy Pettite, “and I think it’s only appropriate that his monument should have its own climate.” This separate ecosystem, reportedly a temperate zone, may explain the appearance of several tornadoes on the Grand Concourse within the last week.

A spokesman for the Yankees confirmed that the team will unveil a monument to the Steinbrenner monument during the 2012 season. “It will take that long for us to locate and mold an appropriate amount of adamantium,” the spokesman said.