All posts by Matthew Callan

Baseball, Media Morons

Mike Francesa’s Mike’d Up Ghost Hunters

fran1.jpgDis is Mike Francesa, and welcome to Mike Francesa’s Mike’d Up Ghost Hunters. Dis is da show where we hunt for the ghosts of Yankees past. I’m here with fellow ghost hunter Filip Bondy.
bondy.jpgThis is exciting, Mike! Almost as exciting as each time I hang out with the Bleacher Creatures and they don’t hurl homophobic insults at me! It’s like Bald Vinny told me one time…
fran1.jpgGive it a rest, Filip, it’s over. As you all know, da Yanks were shut down by Cliff Lee last night in an uttahly embarrassing perfawmance. Some might say dat’s because Lee is one of da best pitchers in baseball. But da truth is, da Yanks lost because da Yankee Stadium ghosts have not made da trip to da new bawlpawk. So I’m goin to da site of the old stadium across da street to see if we can get em back where dey belong. I come well prepahed for dis historic mission. I’m awmed with some EKB metahs, a bowl of snacks the size of K2, and 72 two-litah bottles of Diet Coke.
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fran1.jpgDis is da site of the old stadium. Lotta ghosts here. Lotta spirits. Lotta spectahs, okay? Eddie, you got dat list of all da ghosts that haunt this place? No? Eddie, I toldja to bring the list of all da souls still inhabiting the hoary nether-regions between dis world and da next. So dat’s how we’re runnin a ghost huntin shows dese days, huh? Okay, dat’s fine.

Obviously, it would be yuge if we could get a big time ghost to come ovah to da new Stadium. A Mantle. A DiMaggio. A Gehrig. A Ruth. Dat is da goal. But we gotta be open to what da night brings us. Ghosts are fickle. Dey don’t obey da same rules as da living, and we have to respect dat. We might just come back with a Joe Pepitone, or a Kevin Maas. Dat’s fine. We can live with dat.

* unearthly noises *

fran1.jpgWhoah, did you hear dat? Dat is the sound of a soul in torment. Oh spirit, come with us! Dere is a home for you just across 161st Street! Da Yankees need you! Plus da new place has got a Hawd Rock Cafe and stands dat sell gawlic fries!
maddog.pngHey Mikey, how bout dem Giants, huh? Tied 1-1 with da Pherlies goin back to da Bay! Good spot ta be in! Betcha didn’t see dat comin, with Burwell and Kung Flu Pander Sindovail and Tom Lincercwum in da mix!
fran1.jpgOh gawd, dat’s not a Yankee ghost, dat’s da ghost of Mad Dog Russo’s career! Don’t look at it, Filip!
bondy.jpgBut it’s satellite radio! So beautiful!….OH GOD! DIVINE WRATH IS SEARING MY FLESH!

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fran1.jpgDat’s gotta be da first ever head-melting on Mike Francesa’s Mike’d Up Ghost Hunters. Good job, Eddie. Alright, we got Jon Heyman up next, and he’s gonna help us hunt down the ghosts of his journalistic objectivity, with da help of Scott Boras. Back aftah dis.

Baseball

Mets General Manager Candidate Questionnaire

If you are reading this introduction, it means you’ve already passed our Brooklyn Dodgers trivia test with flying colors. Congratulations! You’re one step away from joining the New York Mets organization as our new general manger, and following in the footsteps of such luminaries as Steve Phillips, Al Harazin, and M. Donald Grant. Please answer the following open response questions to the best of your ability.

1.    You receive a call at 2am. It’s Oliver Perez. He’s being held hostage by a gang of international terrorists and desperately needs your help. How quickly would you fall asleep after hanging up the phone on him mid-sentence?

2.    Do you think people who commit domestic violence should be afforded a second chance? If so, do you also believe they deserve fourth and fifth chances?

3.    Cliff Lee is one of the best pitchers in baseball and easily the most prized free agent this offseason. Do you think fans would be okay with it if we acquired Dontrelle Willis?

4.    The Mets have been criticized for the rash of injuries that have befallen the team in the past two seasons, and not being able to keep its best players on the field. Can you think of any way this can be blamed on Carlos Beltran?

5.    Do you know anything about trying to sneak stuff into prison? Like, say, a shank? One that might be used on a former financial investor who screwed us eight ways from Sunday? Just wondering.

6.    Would you be willing to let Lenny Dykstra crash on your couch for a few weeks while he figures some stuff out?

7.    What quality player would you most like to acquire and force to play out of position?

8.    How would you describe your level of knowledge about Mets history–poor, middling, or disinterested?

9.    In response to fan outcry and these difficult economic times, we will be cutting ticket prices next season. Would you mind helping out by sweeping up after games?

10.   Many front offices now use at least some modern sabermetric assessments to influence their drafting, player development, and roster building. How would you help the Mets look like we might care about that crap?

The Funny

The Best You Can Do Is Be Worse Than The Best Show

tbsowfmu.jpgThis week marked the tenth anniversary of the birth of the one of the most unique pieces of entertainment since sliced bread (which was once considered very entertaining). I speak of The Best Show on WFMU, which made its debut on October 10, 2000. If you read this site, you know I’m a huge fan, and I’ve written about the show or alluded to it hundreds of times. But I felt I couldn’t let this date pass without marking the occasion in some way, because it is literally one of my favorite things ever, for many different reasons.

It’s hard to even describe what it is to someone who hasn’t heard the show. The vital statistics are this: It’s a three-hour extravaganza of “mirth, music, and mayhem” hosted by Tom Scharpling. Phone calls are taken, some from for-real listeners (usually on some sort of topic), some from the imaginary citizens of Newbridge, New Jersey, a town whose wealth of intertwined characters put the Marvel Universe to shame.

There’s more to the show than this. Much, much more, but don’t worry, we’ll get there. But you should probably know, if you don’t already, that it’s the funniest thing going.

I came fairly late to the Best Show Bandwagon, which makes zero sense because I’ve been listening to WFMU since college. I probably listened to every show on the station but The Best Show–not on purpose, just out of happenstance. Not only that, but I was also a fan of many people and things in the realm of comedy who were either fans of the show or associated with it in some way (like Jon Benjamin and Jon Glaser, who used to be on the show quite often). I even took an improv class at the UCB Theatre, which has many Best Show fans amongst its faculty. Against all odds, I remained impossibly, blissfully ignorant of its existence.

Then, three years ago, I saw Patton Oswalt announce on his MySpace page (that’s how long ago this was! MySpace still existed!) that he was going to be an in-studio guest on The Best Show. Since Patton is one of my favoritest comedians of all time, I gave it a listen. By the end of this episode, I had the same feeling I had when watching Kids in the Hall for the first time, or Mr. Show or MST3K. That wonderful, almost frightening sensation of “where has this been all my life?”, something that seems to vibrate on the exact same wavelength as you.
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