All posts by Matthew Callan

Holiday Horrors: Portraits of Krampus

Continuing the fabled tradition begun all the way back in 2009, Scratchbomb presents Holiday Horrors and Holiday Triumphs: an advent calendar of some of the more hideous aspects of this most stressful time of year–with a few bits of awesomeness sprinkled in.

Last year, I wrote of the horrors of Krampus, the demonic goat-man of Germanic legend who trails Santa Claus on his Christmas journey. According to these folktales, if you’re good, Santa brings you gifts. If you’re bad, Krampus brings you a beating. Usually with a switch, though sometimes with a chain. And if you’re really bad, you might get a ride to hell in a basket strapped to his back.

In Germanic Yuletide lore (from which most of our Christmas traditions originate), Krampus and Santa Claus were once inseparable. You could not have one without the other. But Krampus was written out of Christmastime over the years, at least in America. The chastising of naughty children was taken over by Santa, who distributed coal instead of whippings. Eventually, even coal disappeared from the equations, and Christmas became a holiday that was all yin and no yang.

But in Europe–particularly Germany, Austria, and Switzerland–Krampus remains alive. December 5 is known as Krampustage (Krampus Day) in parts of these countries, an occasion for revelers to dress in scary costume, cause mischief, and get tanked. It’s basically the Mitteleurope version of Halloween (a Celtic holiday that never caught on in Europe much beyond the British Isles).

In the late 1800s/early 1900s, folks in these countries liked to send each other Christmas cards featuring his fearsome visage, with the greeting/warning GRUSS VOM KRAMPUS (Greetings from Krampus). In the Teutonic holiday spirit, I’d like to share some of these cards with you, just in case you were running low on Nightmare Fuel.
Continue reading Holiday Horrors: Portraits of Krampus →

Holiday Triumphs: Tarzan, Tonto, and Frankenstein

Continuing the fabled tradition begun all the way back in 2009, Scratchbomb presents Holiday Horrors and Holiday Triumphs: an advent calendar of some of the more hideous aspects of this most stressful time of year–with a few bits of awesomeness sprinkled in.

My favorite SNL cast remains the first one I ever saw, the late 80s/very early 90s one of Phil Hartman, Dana Carvey, Jon Lovitz et al. Not that this was necessarily the best one ever (though I think it’s definitely in the top five, at least), but it is the one for which I have the biggest soft spot. It transferred pretty effortlessly from recurring-character-driven/lowbrow sketches to high-concept/weird ones and everything else in between.

For instance, this extremely brief segment that never fails to make me laugh. It came at the very end of an episode around Christmastime and features Tarzan (Kevin Nealon), Tonto (Lovitz) and Frankenstein singing “Away in a Manger” in grating monotones (or in Frankenstein’s case, confused groans). It is unexplained, simple, silly, and stupid, and it slays me every time.

The concept was repeated a few times over the years, and at one point Tonto was replaced by Chris Farley as himself. But this version remains my favorite. Dig in!

Holiday Horrors: The Year I Destroyed Christmas

Continuing the fabled tradition begun all the way back in 2009, Scratchbomb presents Holiday Horrors and Holiday Triumphs: an advent calendar of some of the more hideous aspects of this most stressful time of year–with a few bits of awesomeness sprinkled in.

broken-christmas.jpgI got caught up in Christmas each year as a little kid, as most little kids do. Putting up the tree, decorating the house, pulling out my collection of Christmas LPs. My favorite was the Sesame Street Christmas Album, and ironically, my favorite tune on that record was Oscar the Grouch singing “I Hate Christmas”. I also recall a Disney Christmas album, though I can’t remember much of its content, except a version of “The 12 Days of Christmas” where Goofy kept singing “five…onion rings! hyuk!” (Learning disabilities are funny!)

But obviously, the presents were the biggest reason I loved Christmas. I didn’t just get stuff as a matter of course as a kid, mostly because my immediate family didn’t have enough dough to get stuff with. So Christmas brought the promise of a decent haul of toys, and at least one Big Thing for me and my brothers to share.

The biggest one of all came when, after lusting after it for years, I finally got an Atari. I can still remember two of my uncles hooking it up to our TV, and then testing it out, and then playing with it for far too long, or what felt like far too long to me, because I thought my head might explode if I had to wait any longer to use it.

When you don’t get many toys for a good chunk of the year, the stakes for Christmas are raised to a ridiculous height. You want EVERYTHING right then, because you know if you don’t get it, you’re SOL for the rest of the year. So even though I wasn’t a greedy or ungrateful kid (at least I like to think I wasn’t), I could get carried away at Christmastime. Which I definitely did one fateful December 25.
Continue reading Holiday Horrors: The Year I Destroyed Christmas →