All posts by Matthew Callan

Holiday Horrors: The Worst Christmas Song Ever Explanation

Continuing the fabled tradition begun all the way back in 2009, Scratchbomb presents Holiday Horrors and Holiday Triumphs: an advent calendar of some of the more hideous aspects of this most stressful time of year–with a few bits of awesomeness sprinkled in.

What’s worse than viral video fame? Trying to explain or capitalize on viral video fame. It’s some horrible ghetto of actual fame, where there’s nothing but tenements and liquor stores, and all the Chinese takeout joints have bulletproof glass and caroussels.

About three years ago, someone posted a video on YouTube that billed itself “the worst version ever” of “O Holy Night.” Listen to it and it’s hard to disagree.

This rendition of the classic hymn quickly achieved Grape Stomp Lady-levels of internet infamy, with people posting their own videos of themselves lip syncing it and even playing it on the radio as a joke.

Well, it turns out the person who performed this song was unhappy. Not that he was being made fun of, but that he wasn’t getting credit for his work. So he posted his own YouTube video to prove it was him. The man’s name is Steve Mauldin, and he had arranged “O Holy Night” for a church group.

In this video, he goes to very long, very earnest lengths to prove his bona fides, and to also insinuate that he’d done the original song in jest. I believe this about as much I believe Tommy Wiseau when he says he meant The Room to be a comedy.

Watching Mr. Mauldin’s video, I’m struck by what Fame can do to people. Being known for this song is fame the way McRibs are food, and Mr. Mauldin does not seem at all like the kind of person who’d even aspire to notoriety. And yet, when confronted with the choice between remaining anonymous or known for singing the worst Christmas song ever, he chose “fame.” And if this earnest, humble man can be so easily corrupted, whither goest us?

Holiday Triumphs: Jean Shepherd, “Christmas Gifts”

Continuing the fabled tradition begun all the way back in 2009, Scratchbomb presents Holiday Horrors and Holiday Triumphs: an advent calendar of some of the more hideous aspects of this most stressful time of year–with a few bits of awesomeness sprinkled in.

Thumbnail image for shep2.GIFHere is another bit of holiday cheer from Jean Shepherd, who knew a thing or two about this subject. I usually don’t like to post excerpts of his shows, because I think they are high art and should be enjoyed as a whole. You wouldn’t hang up just one square inch of a Monet, would you?

However, if you don’t have the time to listen to an entire 45-minute program, you might enjoy this clip from his December 13, 1965 show. In it, Shep reads descriptions of board games on sale at the time and being pitched as excellent Christmas gifts for kids. Most of them are insanely violent, in a way that is virtually inconceivable now (at least in ads for things aimed at children). There is also an ad for a proto-fantasy baseball game that sounds like it was way ahead of its time.

Shep recites the ad copy almost verbatim, with a few wry asides, and like a true artist, he makes these words his own. Enjoy.

[audio:http://66.147.244.95/~scratci7/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/shep_1213651.mp3|titles=Jean Shepherd: Christmas Gifts (except) (December 13, 1965)]

Holiday Horrors: “Christmas Is Creepy”

Continuing the fabled tradition begun all the way back in 2009, Scratchbomb presents Holiday Horrors and Holiday Triumphs: an advent calendar of some of the more hideous aspects of this most stressful time of year–with a few bits of awesomeness sprinkled in.

The internet is great because literally anyone can have their voice heard. The internet is also terrible because literally anyone can have their voice heard. People with terrible voices that should probably caged and studied, not exposed to the general public.

Speaking of which, do you know Fred Figglehorn? He’s a YouTube sensation. How do you become a YouTube sensation? Speed up your voice to a pitch that only eight-year-olds can tolerate. Then watch the cash roll in!

Yes, technically you don’t make any money off of YouTube videos. But you do earn a lot of attention when a million-plus people subscribe to your YouTube channel. And when you create a movie for Nickelodeon that pulls in near-High School Musical ratings, despite having no discernible plot or a main character who is bearable for more than five seconds at a time.

Why did Fred become so popular? Did I mention the sped-up voice? Good, because that’s pretty much it. Imagine a 15-year-old Demetri Martin sucking helium and pretending he was six. Then take whatever you’re imagining and shake it until it’s dizzy, and then microwave it. Now you’re getting close.

If you watch the Fred videos, you will see small kernels of ideas and creativity in them. Unfortunately, these ideas placed within a context that’s so grating, it’s not worth digging for them. It’s like trying to pull a mustard seed out of a tub full of lukewarm jello.

Perhaps it’s a generational thing, and there’s something about Fred that appeals to the zeitgeist of the emerging pre-teen generation. I’m guessing it’s either this or the fact that kids like garbage.

As annoying as he is, I actually feel sorry for Fred (real name: Lukas Cruikshank), because he is trapped by this fame, such as it is. I saw him on an episode of Tosh 2.0, ostensibly to promote his TV movie, and he professed to be thinking about retiring the Fred character, but said so with an almost haunted look on his face, as if he knew this would never be possible. His options are either fade into obscurity or continue to enjoy celebrity for being That Speedy-Voiced Freak. Sophie’s choice was harder, but not by much.

All this mishegoss and foofara is just preamble to tell you that Fred made a Christmas music video because, duh. It’s called “Christmas Is Creepy,” and points out that certain elements of the Yuletide might be considered disturbing if one thinks about them in a certain away. That’s the gist of it, anyway. I’m not 100 percent sure, because my ears filled with blood 30 seconds into the song.

So if you like ear-blood, Hannah Montana beats, and Macauley Culkin-esque mugging, this is the Christmas video for you. I will watch it again as soon as I get the lobotomy required to enjoy it. And in case you were worried about the future of our country, just know that as of this writing, “Christmas Is Creepy” has been viewed over 16 million times. U-S-A! U-S-A!