All posts by Matthew Callan

Holiday Horrors 2010

Holiday Horrors: We Wish You a Turtle Christmas

Continuing the fabled tradition begun all the way back in 2009, Scratchbomb presents Holiday Horrors and Holiday Triumphs: an advent calendar of some of the more hideous aspects of this most stressful time of year–with a few bits of awesomeness sprinkled in.

tmnt_xmas.jpgWhile perusing through some digitzed VHS tapes, I ran across an ad for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze on home video. I contemplated using it as a Holiday Horror entry, mostly for shameful nostalgia reasons.

See, I used to love TMNT, even though I was a little too old to be into it during its heyday. It was probably the last gasp of my “I will watch anything on TV aimed at kids” phase. In retrospect, two things baffle me: 1) Why the cartoon was so insanely different from the original comic book, and 2) Why I kept watching this show well after I got into said comic books. In its original form, TMNT was weird, dark, and vaguely reminiscent of Japanese martial arts movies. The cartoon was goofy and centered around pizza and surfer lingo–and of course was a monster hit among kids during the First Bush administration years.

Unfortunately, the tape that had this commercial was not in the best shape. It looked pretty bad on my computer and even worse when exported to a YouTube-able form. So on a whim, I searched around the interwebs for some TMNT-Christmas stuff. Surely something that was once so huge had tried to cash in on the holidays.

As it turns out, they did. In 1994–well after the height of their popularity–TMNT was responsible a straight-to-video special called We Wish You a Turtle Christmas. That is not a promising title, but the special somehow manages to crawl under even this low bar, with plenty of room to spare. I agree with the sentiments expressed at X-Entertainment*: “You could put my dick in one of those vices they screw on to the tables in middle school woodshop…I still won’t watch it again.”

* I used to read X-Entertainment religiously, yet somehow had never read their takedown of this monstrosity until now. Don’t ask me how that happened.

Continue reading Holiday Horrors: We Wish You a Turtle Christmas →

Holiday Horrors 2010

Holiday Horrors: Egg Nog = BRUTAL

Continuing the fabled tradition begun all the way back in 2009, Scratchbomb presents Holiday Horrors and Holiday Triumphs: an advent calendar of some of the more hideous aspects of this most stressful time of year–with a few bits of awesomeness sprinkled in.

As stated earlier this week, I am a big fan of egg nog. I am not a big fan of metal. But a metal song about egg nog? I think I can get behind that.

Courtesy of Videogum, what we have here is a video from Winnipeg public access circa 1991. In it, a group called Box Lunch–comprised exclusively of 15-year-olds–sings a metal peaon to the frothy seasonal brew. I can’t exactly tell if they’re for or against it, but the point is they’re singing about it.

While I think this is awesome, I am putting it in the Holiday Horrors category because I think any self-respecting metal band would prefer to be known as horrible. Also, check out the hat on the bassist. Remember when it was okay to wear hats like that? Oh lord, the 90s sucked.

Enhanced by Zemanta
Holiday Horrors 2010

Holiday Horrors: Hyundai Christmas Ads

Continuing the fabled tradition begun all the way back in 2009, Scratchbomb presents Holiday Horrors and Holiday Triumphs: an advent calendar of some of the more hideous aspects of this most stressful time of year–with a few bits of awesomeness sprinkled in.

Admittedly, I am stretching the definition of “horrors” pretty wide for today’s entry. This is more like a petty annoyance. A very petty one, in fact. But I wouldn’t want to live in a world where I wasn’t allowed to be petty now and then.

The subjects of my ire are the Hyundai ads with a twee musical couple called Pomplamoose (seriously?) doing precious renditions of holiday songs. They’re a poor man’s version of She and Him. If you think Belle and Sebastian is a bit too macho, this is the group for you.

Is there holiday stuff out there worse than this? Of course, much, much worse. But the cutesy quality of this is song is so grating, it’s like being bludgeoned with marshmallow Peeps. It’s so fey and convinced of its own cleverness, it’s like a New York Times subscription ad turned into music. I find it uncomfortable and annoying, but in a really gentle way, like being softly tickled by someone I don’t like while stuffed in a Whole Foods tote bag.

And it’s forcing me to stretch my Simile Powers to their breaking points. So boo, Hyundai. Be gone, and never darken my towels again.