Monthly Archives: January 2011

Technical Nonsense

Site Blown the Eff Up, Please Bear With Us

In my attempt to enhance this here site, I somehow managed to destroy it. I won’t bore you with the details, in part because I’m not 100 percent sure what I did, but suffice to say I undid several years of meticulous CSSing and make-nicery.

I am slowly trying to restore Scratchbomb to its former glory (?). I hope you will bear with me as this process grinds on in excruciating fashion. In the meantime, please be aware that I will continue to Tumble over at Holy Goddamn! (Don’t forget the exclamation mark; it’s like Wham!)

Football

Bill Belichick Refuses to Admit Existence of Football

belichick.jpgTrash-talking by the Jets? No, I don’t pay too much attention to that. Antonio Cromartie likes to yak, but that’s not part of our game. That’s just the kind of thing reporters like you love to write about, that’s all. We just come to play. You know me, I’m not much for words.

What about Wes Welker’s comments? Look, Wes is someone who works for this organization in some capacity. I really…I can’t say anything beyond that. I juat have to focus on my job.

Do we respect the Jets? I don’t think the answer to that question matters much, in the grand scheme of things. It doesn’t affect our game plan. They do what they do, we do what we do. I’m not sure who the Jets are, really. That’s not a name…I’m not familiar with that name at all.

They’re our divisional playoff game opponent? If you say so. I’ll leave that for the media to dissect and…do those sorts of things. We just come to play the game. If you say it’s the divisional playoff game, then okay, fine. I’m not concerned with that.

Will I at least concede we’re playing a football game? No, I mean…look, I know it’s your job to dig out every little secret of ours, but it’s my job to prepare to play a game. And no, I will neither confirm nor deny that said game is football.

You look very frustrated. I’m not trying to frustrate you or anybody else. I’m just trying to do my job, which is to prepare my team for a task. You want to call that a “game”? Go right ahead. It has no bearing on my job, which I would prefer not to discuss.

The thing you have in your hand? It appears to be some sort of ellipsoidal spheroid, formed by stitching together strips of a leather-like polymer and filling it with air. What is it called? Look, you’re not going to play “gotcha” with me. You want to call it a football, call it a football. We’re just going to perform certain deeds. Let the media sort it out any way they want.

Look, holding a knife to my throat isn’t going to get me to admit anything. I have to think about what’s best for the organization, the nature of which is frankly none of your business. I am just an entity leading other sentient beings toward an unspecified goal.

Well, I certainly won’t give away anything just because you’re holding the knife to your own throat. I refuse to be blackmailed. Now…look, bleeding all over my floor won’t change my mind, either. Nor will turning deathly white and gasping for air. I’m just going to keep performing acts that lead to other acts. Stimulus, response, stimulus, response.

Politics Schmolitics

The Quantum World of Sarah Palin

quantumpalin.jpgI have to say, again, I don’t understand how anyone could think that my words could incite anyone to violence. And anyone who uses words to suggest otherwise is just going to incite violence.

How could my words have no effect while others’ have enormous impact? Perhaps you think that makes no sense, and you’d be right–in your world. But where I live, there is no such thing as contradiction.

The Sarah Palin you see on TV is actually an extremely sophisticated holographic magnification. In truth, I am extremely tiny. Slightly larger than one Planck length, actually. By your standards, I am almost infinitesimally small, and exist in a subatomic universe far beyond your power to comprehend. I use quarks for furniture! In a house that’s tucked into a curled dimension you have yet to discover!

Things happen in my world that are inconceivable in yours. A single particle can travel on multiple trajectories simultaneously. Objects fall upward and sideways without any regard for gravity–although directional concepts like “upward” and “sideways” have little meaning here. And I can make statements that directly contradict each other, sometimes within the span of one sentence, and not actually contradict myself.

I can also suggest things in the minds of my listeners, like “Obama’s a scary black guy!” or “they’re gonna kill your grandma!” without actually saying them, and being able to paint anyone who suggests otherwise as a PC liberal elitist. It’s pretty neat, not having to live by the rules everyone else does!

What’s the best part about living in a world that operates on quantum mechanics? Sometimes it’s the sheer unpredictability. Sometimes it’s exploring all the dozens of different planes of existence that can’t be perceived by “normal” sized people; I’ve lost track of how many there are! And sometimes it’s the ability to alter reality to suit my needs on a moment-by-moment basis. 

By the way, the string theory is totally wrong. And it’s totally right. How is that possible? It isn’t! But it is! Sorry if that goes over your heads. You wouldn’t get it unless you were at my tiny, tiny level.