Continuing the fabled tradition begun all the way back in 2009, Scratchbomb presents Holiday Horrors and Holiday Triumphs: an advent calendar of some of the more hideous aspects of this most stressful time of year—with a few bits of awesomeness sprinkled in.

We’re starting Holiday Horrors off with a bang this year, folks, because I believe I may have found the worst Christmas special ever.

I don’t take such an accusation lightly, believe me. I’ve seen more than my share of Christmas specials, and as I scour my brain for comparisons, I can’t think of one that plumbs the depths of the human spirit any more than the special I share with you today. In fact, I debated sharing this with the world at all, because I thought it might be the Hadron Supercollider of Christmas specials—a show so extraordinary, it could unleash forces that would destroy the earth itself.

I haven’t seen many slasher movies or horror films or Human Centipede, but I can’t imagine any of those things could make me feel worse than I did after I watched Candy Claus.

Here’s how it all started: In one of my many fits of VHS digitizing, I ran across an ad circa 1988 for a 900 number where kids could call up Candy Claus. Back in the late 80s/early 90s, there were literally hundreds of such numbers that tried to get gullible children to call them up and amass enormous phone bills for their parents.

I remember many of these ads, particularly the one for the DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince number, since I had a friend who snuck out of CCD one afternoon to call said number on the church office phone (needless to say, he got into an assload of trouble). However, I have no memory of the Candy Claus commercial. According to Santa’s narration, she was the Christmas Seals Child. I don’t recall her being elected to that position. Perhaps it’s appointed by Congress?

So unmemorable was this ad that not only did I not remember seeing it as a kid, but I completely forgot about the commercial after first posting it to YouTube. Initially, I assumed it was just an attempt to introduce a charity’s mascot, one that presumably did not take off.

But after looking through my YouTube inventory recently, I watched the Candy Claus ad again and began to wonder about it. It’s doubtful a charity would’ve bothered to animate all of this material just for a 30 second spot. I sensed a long-forgotten holiday special was involved somehow.

Turns out I was right. Oh lord, was I right. Although using the word “special” to describe Candy Claus seems bitterly ironic.
Continue reading Holiday Horrors: Candy Claus →