The Best You Can Do Is Be Worse Than The Best Show

tbsowfmu.jpgThis week marked the tenth anniversary of the birth of the one of the most unique pieces of entertainment since sliced bread (which was once considered very entertaining). I speak of The Best Show on WFMU, which made its debut on October 10, 2000. If you read this site, you know I’m a huge fan, and I’ve written about the show or alluded to it hundreds of times. But I felt I couldn’t let this date pass without marking the occasion in some way, because it is literally one of my favorite things ever, for many different reasons.

It’s hard to even describe what it is to someone who hasn’t heard the show. The vital statistics are this: It’s a three-hour extravaganza of “mirth, music, and mayhem” hosted by Tom Scharpling. Phone calls are taken, some from for-real listeners (usually on some sort of topic), some from the imaginary citizens of Newbridge, New Jersey, a town whose wealth of intertwined characters put the Marvel Universe to shame.

There’s more to the show than this. Much, much more, but don’t worry, we’ll get there. But you should probably know, if you don’t already, that it’s the funniest thing going.

I came fairly late to the Best Show Bandwagon, which makes zero sense because I’ve been listening to WFMU since college. I probably listened to every show on the station but The Best Show–not on purpose, just out of happenstance. Not only that, but I was also a fan of many people and things in the realm of comedy who were either fans of the show or associated with it in some way (like Jon Benjamin and Jon Glaser, who used to be on the show quite often). I even took an improv class at the UCB Theatre, which has many Best Show fans amongst its faculty. Against all odds, I remained impossibly, blissfully ignorant of its existence.

Then, three years ago, I saw Patton Oswalt announce on his MySpace page (that’s how long ago this was! MySpace still existed!) that he was going to be an in-studio guest on The Best Show. Since Patton is one of my favoritest comedians of all time, I gave it a listen. By the end of this episode, I had the same feeling I had when watching Kids in the Hall for the first time, or Mr. Show or MST3K. That wonderful, almost frightening sensation of “where has this been all my life?”, something that seems to vibrate on the exact same wavelength as you.
Continue reading The Best You Can Do Is Be Worse Than The Best Show

Endeavors Elsewhere Continue Unabated

If entries at Scratchbomb HQ have been light lately, it’s because I’ve been wracking my brain to bring you In the Year 2000, a survey of that year’s Mets team, over at Amazin’ Avenue. So I wanted give alla y’all a heads up that if you’re not checking that out, you should be. The latest post is on NLCS Game 2, in which Rick Ankiel had a China Syndrome-level meltdown, both teams forgot how to field, the Mets blew two leads, and came back thanks to an opportune bounce. Sounds thrilling, don’t it?

I’ve also added a little widget to your right that will inform you about the latest posts over at Amazin’ Avenue. See, it’s right there? Now you’ll never miss a beat. About what’ on that particular site, that is. For everything else in your life, you’re on your own.

The Sports Media DSM for PED Use

pettite.jpgWhen Andy Pettite turned in yet another dominant postseason start last week, many sportswriters praised his determination and consistency and leadership. One word I didn’t see in any of their reports was “PEDs”. (I guess that’s more of an acronym than a word, really, but bear with me.)

After all, he was named in the Mitchell Report, and subsequently admitted taking something or other. Most players who’ve been caught red-handed like he was have been raked over the coals in the press–including his ex-teammate/probable connection Roger Clemens. And yet Pettite’s use barely gets mentioned, if ever.

Personally, I don’t care about steroids, HGH, horse tranquilizers, or anything else of that ilk. My feelings have evolved on the subject, and I feel that so many people were using them, rooting out “cheats” is pointless. Especially since MLB’s PED policy was such a joke for so long, you can’t even say players were “getting away with it”, because It was a “crime” nobody was being punished for.

I also think that PEDs can’t make you a major league baseball player. They can only make a major league baseball player perform at his best–and isn’t that what we all want as fans? Performance enhancement has been going on in the major leagues since day one. Players in the 1960s and 1970s took amphetamines to deal with the brutal traveling schedule and day games after night games. The league itself “juiced” the ball at various times to drive up home run numbers, and therefore interest in the game. (MLB has never admitted to doing this, but the anomalous spikes in longball numbers in pre-steroid times have virtually no other explanation.) Not to mention how many players’ performances were enhanced because they never had to compete against black people.

Considering how much we enhance our bodies with pills, medications, surgery, all for non-life-threatening conditions (i.e., boner medicine, Botox), I think it’s hypocritical to hold athletes to higher standards of physical purity. I also think that, in a few short decades (or even sooner), the banning of PEDs will seem as silly as Prohibition does to us now.

That’s just one man’s opinion, of course. If you think PEDs = cheating, no ifs, ands, or buts, I recognize that as a legitimate argument. What I don’t like is the idea that some “cheating” is okay and some isn’t. Usually, that means the cheating is excusable if the cheater plays for your team.

When I pointed out the inconvenient fact that Pettite kind of totally did PEDs on the Twitter and the Facebook, I was accused by Yankee partisans of just being a bitter Mets fan. (Hey, I may be bitter and a Mets fan but…what was the third thing you said?) I have a feeling their reaction would have been different if I’d made comments about Manny Ramirez.

I didn’t understand the cherry picking; either it’s wrong or it’s not, right? But as it turns out, there are different levels of PED use. The members of the sports media are well trained in psychological diagnosis, and have compiled a matrix for identifying who fits into which categories, including recommended treatment. No really, they have!

CATEGORY VI

Criteria: Took PEDs to hit more home runs and therefore rob us all of our childlike innocence; may also be referred to as History’s Greatest Monsters; PED use a sign of enormous, sociopathic character flaws since none of us would ever have done the same thing in their shoes
Examples: Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa
Treatment: Constant hounding, to remind them of the torments of hell that surely await them

CATEGORY V

Criteria: Took PEDs to make them pitch better; since pitches aren’t home runs, we don’t really know
how to feel about this, but the tabloidish nature of their downfall makes for
great headlines
Examples: Roger Clemens
Treatment: Snarky comments as needed, i.e., Congressional hearings, accusations of statutory rape

CATEGORY IV

Criteria: Perform at such a high level that they surely must be on PEDs; though there is absolutely no evidence, solid or circumstantial, to support such an accusation, we feel they should confess their horrible crimes while they still have a chance to save their immortal souls
Examples: Jose Bautista
Treatment: Fleeting but pointed and irrevocable

CATEGORY III

Criteria: Admitted PED user and former Category VI member whose personal and spiritual deficiencies have been completely conquered by winning a championship
Examples: Alex Rodriguez
Treatment: Only if you want to look bitter

CATEGORY II

Criteria: Definitely took PEDs but only to recover from injury and help their team win; even though that’s essentially why anyone takes PEDs, a Category III “offender” is such a nice guy that he surely can’t be in the same class as Category VI scum
Examples: Andy Pettite
Treatmant: Ignore and it will go away

CATEGORY I

Criteria: Men who take PEDs to attain the unnatural combination of speed and bulk needed to play modern football
Examples: No idea; we don’t bother to ask any NFL players if they take PEDs
Treatment: None needed