There are many rumors about the origins of the vuvuzela. Some say it was the result of a CIA psy-ops experiment that tried to find the perfect frequency that would drive men mad. Others say it was spawned from a horn that fell off Satan himself. Still others say that the instrument was invented and popularized by Kenny G. All of these rumors are correct.- Though it is associated with South African soccer, the vuvuzela originated in South America and is named for the Argentinian pop star of the same name, best known for her 1973 hit, “Mis oídos están sangrando (para ti).”
- A vuvuzela can register sounds up to 127 decibels. The only louder man-made sound is a detonated nuclear bomb hooked up to a vuvuzela.
- Scientists are hard at work developing an even louder vuvuzela for the 2014 World Cup, the Vuvuzela Centipede, which will consist of three vuvuzelas surgically attached to one another.
- Many critics feel the vuvuzela is distracting and not befitting “the beautiful game” and its grand traditions, such as hooliganism, bloody, deadly riots, and fascist salutes.
Monthly Archives: June 2010
Decrees for My All Encompassing Dictatorship: No Bragging About Ignorance
Within the last few weeks, as World Cup fever has gripped (most of) the globe, I’ve seen numerous wags on the internet tweet/facebook/smoke signal about how they would never watch soccer in a million years. Especially here in America, where soccer is still seen as something decadent, European, and vaguely effeminate, kinda like…the rest of Europe, I guess. Never mind that the World Cup is literally the most watched thing on the planet. You and your small circle of friends don’t care about it, and it is therefore not worth your time.
I can’t stand this Me-Centric attitude that celebrates ignorance. When people say things like this, they are declaring their pride in how much they don’t know. I despise when people declare I’VE NEVER WATCHED/LISTENED TO/READ [BLANK] with pride, as if they’ve passed some endurance test the rest of us poor slobs failed. “It took all my strength, but I never watched a single episode of Lost. You poor saps will never know what you didn’t miss!”
I’ve always felt that there is nothing to be gained from not knowing something, because everything is an experience, whether it’s listening to a symphony or watching American Idol. And yes, Idol sucks hard, but I know it sucks hard because I’ve actually watched it a few times.
When you say I WILL NEVER WATCH/LISTEN TO/READ [BLANK], you are saying I AM WILLFULLY CLOSING OFF MY MIND TO CERTAIN THINGS I SUSPECT I WON’T LIKE. And that is fine, if that is what you choose to do with your brain. Just don’t act like this decision makes you more evolved than everyone else. And certainly don’t act like you can comment on the qualities of something you’ve already chosen to ignore.
Under my benevolent despotism, if you choose to not see/listen to/read something, all you should be allowed to say about it is. “I haven’t seen/listened to/read that. It doesn’t look like something I’d be into.” And that’s it.
Those who violate this rule shall be locked in a solid white room with no windows for a full week, where they will be able to enjoy the stimulation-free nothingness that they seem to crave so much.
I have spoken.
Nike, CBS File Suit Against USC
Nike and CBS have filed a class action lawsuit against USC’s football program, seeking damages for loss of income.
“The impending NCAA sanctions against USC football, which include a two-year ban from postseason play, will reduce the program’s visibility, and thus have a severe impact on the plaintiff’s bottom line,” the lawsuit states. “When the school violated the spirit of the NCAA’s commitment to amateur athletics, they should have considered how that act would impact the millions of dollars we have invested in their program.”
Pete Carroll, former USC football coach, contested the lawsuit’s implication. “The USC I know would never commit recruiting violations or pay our players in any way,” Carroll said, “because nothing is more important to us than our corporate partnerships.”
The NCAA has yet to comment on the lawsuit. “Our rules committee will review this case as soon as possible,” the league said through a spokesman. “Right now, we are preoccupied with completely destroying some conferences.”